selfishness at our age

I had a conversation with a friend on the other side of the world today.  We started talking about our families and priorities as often we do.  After we'd both spent some time grizzling about what wasn't going so well she said ''oh I feel like it's all about me...I'm getting so selfish asIi get older'.

Now there's a tricky one.  As mothers, in particular, our lives are often completely focused on other people (mainly small, dependent ones).  It's hard, relentless, often thankless work.  And so when we get a precious few minutes to ourselves,especially if it's after a particularly trying day,  whether those minutes are carved out or snatched, it often is a time for some self reflection and often a good dose of sorry-for-myselfs. And then we catch ourselves and say ''oh how selfish!!''

But is it really selfish?  Is demanding some time for ''me'' selfish?  By definition (thank you www.dictionary.com!) selfish means:

1.

devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarilywith one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardlessof others.

2.

characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself: selfish motives. 

Is that all really such a bad thing?  Sure, if it were happening all the time it might be.  But I reckon for most of us, the moments of self-ish are few and far between.  We're conditioned to believe that life should be all about giving to other people and that we should put ourselves last.  Well, even Jesus took time out for himself when it all got too much.    He knew that it's important to have some SELF-care.  To look after ones own welfare before another.   

Here's what I've learned - with some knocks and scrapes to tell the story, and a fairly large dose of maturity to round it off.  Sometimes  it actually does need to be all about you.  Sometimes it's OK to throw a bit of a tantrum and demand some space.  sometimes, everything else has to come second.  And that's fine by me.

look after yourself

As part of one of the contracts I have, each quarter I phone 30 men and women who lead groups of volunteers in church ministry.   Sometimes it's encouraging, sometimes it's hard work, and sometimes I get what appears to be a recurring theme coming out of the conversations.

That's what has happened this month.  In fact I spoke to three women in a row who told me almost an identical story:

They are all smart,  busy, with families to care for, jobs to do, and lots of commitments in their communities. They all put themselves last.  Not because they are martyrs, but because they have a genuine passion and commitment to what they do.  And all three have had serious health issues over the past few months, not least in part due to being way too busy, way too distracted, and not giving enough attention, or respect, to their own well being.

And so, the theme I keep hearing is this:  It's all very well to want to give and give to others.  But if you're not caring for yourself first you're not going to be very effective.  In fact you risk doing more damage than good, and then you'll be no good to anyone.

And the reality is, that in this world of volunteerism that we now live in, it's fairly unlikely that someone is going to tap you on the shoulder and say ''hey take a break, we can manage without you for a while''.  so it's up to ourselves, to manage the load, set some good boundaries and decide priorities.  Which includes some self care.

As my regular readers will know, I'm pretty partial to quoting lines from my favourite movies.  Actually, scratch that, I'm pretty partial to quoting a lot of lines from one of my all time favourite movies.  And all the way through PRETTY WOMAN, characters Kit and Vivien say to each other ''take care of you''.  That sums it up I reckon.

Is your life in balance?  Do you give the right things the right priorities? Has something got to give? Are you taking care of yourself?

emotional IQ

I belong to a women's discussion group.  It started as a bible study actually but over the past couple of years has evolved rather.  We've been meeting every week for three years and the width and breadth of conversation is vast.  There's some rules - what's said there stays there...no one is wrong...listen without judgement...be honest in opinion.

It works incredibly well and have given all of us a ''voice'' when often as full time parents/volunteers/partners/employees we do not feel our true selves are being heard or even acknowledged.

Yesterday we talked about decision making and how we spend our time.  There was much talk of how easy it is to get caught up with a cause and then discover that not only are we unable to change the issue, but that time that could have been spend well elsewhere has been gobbled up in stress and worry.

We also touched on the idea that as we get older (average age in the group is 40) we become so much better - we hope - at being able to make decisions based on a bigger picture.  The job that seemed the be-all-and-end-all at 30 is now simply a stepping stone to the future.  The study we always wanted to complete seems less, or more, important.  

We decided that the key was to identify the things that were of value. Sometimes the thing that is of value is doing nothing, or eating too much chocolate, or whiling a day away with a book.  And other times its being really focused on a task or project or cause.  What counts is giving each thing the credit it deserves.  Not feeling guilty about how much energy it takes, but also knowing when it is time to say ''enough!!"'.

Yes, it's about having the emotional intelligence to recognise what motivates us - or demotivates us.  Paralysis by analysis is rooted in fear not an inability to make decisions.  sometimes, we decided, you simply have to make a decision and go with it.  And then be brave enough to change course if it doesn't work out.  Or admit it wasn't a great decision and move on.  Or, wonder of wonders, enjoy the success of actually acting on your decisions.

Sure everything we do involves risk.  That's the trade off for stepping out and following hearts and dreams.

What decisions are you facing right now?  Are the big, important, small, still important?

Are you brave enough to feel the fear and do it anyway?

for the love of Books!

I remember discovering books and reading at a very young age, and being one of the regular customers at the library.  The thrill of moving from ''baby books'' to readers.  And then to the non fiction, and  Young Adults section, long before I was even close to being a Young Adult.  The Library of my childhood was a very old building with impossibly high shelves (or so it seemed to me), complete with movable ladders in the aisles.  I visited every week, and would take home a huge pile of books, always returned read from cover to cover.  I dreamed of becoming a librarian, just so I could be in there with all those books, every day.

I have been trying, with very little success, to encourage the Dancing Queen to read more.  I've tried all kinds of books.  We've bought them, borrowed them, recycled them.  I've even offered her glossy magazines.  but within a few minutes she is disinterested.  She says reading is ''boring'' and no matter what the subject, so far I have found nothing to really capture her interest.


As a consummate bookworm myself this is frustrating.  I believe in the power of books, because I love to read.  But I think for her, not helped by some literacy challenges, reading will always be a chore rather than a pleasure.  


There's a line in the movie 'Pretty Woman'' where Edward Lewis is talking about opera.  He says
"People's reactions to opera the first time they see it is very dramatic; they either love it or they hate it. If they love it, they will always love it. If they don't, they may learn to appreciate it, but it will never become part of their soul.""


Yes it's a corny quote from a corny movie.  But I think there's a kernel of truth in there.  

the cat came back

The little engineer got a cat for his birthday.  That was about 6 weeks ago, and after stressing inside for 3 days, she scarpered and was not seen for 2 weeks, other than a flash of tail leaving the food bowl.

After a couple of more weeks she could be seen at the neighbours place but was given to disappearing as soon as we got near her.

Last week she deemed it suitable to come and look for food whilst we were in the house, but was still not fussed about being touched other than a quick pat.

Finally this week she allowed me to pick her up and the children to pet her.  And tonight, wonder of wonders, she is inside for the first time.

It's a lesson in patience and trust.  A confused cat, being rehomed from city to country, took a long time to be able to trust her new environment and people.  A little boy who fell in love with her the first time he saw her, and has waited patiently every day for 6 weeks for her to come to him.

Now, she's asleep on his bunk bed.   The little engineer is beside himself with joy - finally his much wanted pet is actually his pet.

the principal principle

...or should that be the principle principal?

I've been thinking some more about the things that I think might define me as a person.  I'm often going on about Energy Integrity Kindness as being the ''three legged stool'' (to copy a currently popular facilitator-speak term).  I use these words to describe both myself - and what I think is important, and also the things I value most highly in others.

As well as that there's the words that are shaping my year this year - Boundaries, Priorities, Deliberate.   Deciding what I think is okay and how far I will go with that (or not), what's important (or not) and what I will make a balanced and purposeful effort to achieve (or not).

I've been using the word ''principle'' a lot lately too.  It all sounds a bit moral highground-like but really what I am doing is putting together my three legs, and my three year-words, and summing them up in one statement. It's more than just values, morals or beliefs, although all those things fit in there somewhere. It's about thinking and acting on the things that really matter to me, whether they fit with mainstream thinking or not.  The things that ''sit'' with me and feel right.

What words are important to you? Could you describe what is important to you in just a couple of words? Do you have boundaries already in place?  How good are you at working within them?

renovations

After three weeks of chaos, my renovations are almost complete.

Actually that is a vast overstatement - actually I am almost at the stage where the builder leaves, and I get in the plasterer (ick), the plumber and electrician, and start clearing up the mess in the yard.

I am really looking forward to getting my house back, that is true, but the upheaval has not been quite as awful as I thought it might have been.I have been completely impressed with all the tradesmen that have been in the house in the last few weeks.  They have (almost) always turned up on time. They get on with what has to be done.  They have cleaned up their mess at the end of each day.   Apart from the fact that I have had no kitchen, and then latterly, no toilet or bathroom, in the house, I would hardly have know they were here...

management material

I had a catch up today with an ex-employee of mine. We've both since left the company, although she only recently, and me ten years ago, so it was interesting to compare notes about how things have changed (or not) in that time.

She commented that part of her reason for leaving was her continued dissatisfaction at being asked to do work delegated by her Manager, which was widely known to be expected to be delivered BY the manager not her direct reports.  This included a fair amount of community involvement and public speaking.  It would seem the manager never had a particular gift for this and would pass it on at every opportunity.

It got me wondering about how well businesses manage transition and change in a role, when the same people are still holding the position.  Particularly at management level when prior experience is hard to replace or acquite at short notice.    Is it fair to expect a person employed, say, to be a processor, to evolve into a salesperson?  Large businesses are particularly good at changing the key performances indicators in a job without a whole lot of thought going into whether the incumbent is actually right for the job. It creates a whole lot of work upskilling or coaching, or having to deal with an underperforming or unhappy staff member (few if any simply retrench or release the people that no longer suit).

In my years of recruitment I have always looked at ''fit'' first.  Will this person fit in to the existing team, the work environment and the customer expectation models.  Then I look at their qualifications and experience.  And one of the key attributes has got to be flexibility and openness to change - because these days, few jobs stay the same for very long.

If you are looking for staff, or are looking for a new job yourself, how flexible are you? If the role changed within a year or two, would you be able to adjust, or would you be back in the job market?

Amazing grace

From dictionary.com: 
verb (used with object)

14.

to lend or add grace to; adorn: Many fine paintings graced therooms of the house. Synonyms: embellish, beautify, deck,decorate, ornament; enhance, honor. Antonyms:  disfigure,desecrate, demean.

15.

to favor or honor: to grace an occasion with one's presence.Synonyms:  glorify, elevate, exalt. Antonyms:  disrespect,dishonor.

Last year I read a book called ''What's so Amazing about Grace''.  It's written largely for a Christian audience however has life lessons that can be applied to all people. It challenged me about a lot of misconceptions I was brought up to believe, and continue to cling to,  and highlighted the fact that I am far quicker to judge or condemn than to extend grace.

By definition, grace is a beautiful thing.  It should make something better than it might have been.  It's a positive word in my view, and suggests generosity and non-judgement.  But it also says ''control'' to me.  A graceful dancer is a pleasure to watch not least because every single movement is deliberate and certain.  A gracious host shows magnanimity and kindness but within the bounds of good taste and manners.

I've had occasion recently to be in a position of having to really work hard at being gracious.  I'm having to remind myself every day that no matter how wronged I feel, it is not my job to judge someone for their actions.  To me grace is about kindness with strong boundaries.  Generosity with sane limits.  Love with out expectation, but also without martyrdom.

What does extending grace mean to you?

Be Natural Manuka Honey and Spice clusters

I belong to a fantastic blogging community of mothers.  There's hundreds of blogs and topics and always something thought provoking to mull on.

Recently we were invited to take part in a taste test for a new cereal being launched onto the New Zealand market.

Be Natural is an Australian brand but their products sit quite nicely alongside the Kiwi counterparts on the shelf - but with some quite unique differences.

The first thing to stand out is the packaging - natural cardboard box with no gaudy colours or pictures, this looks completely different to the other cereals right off the bat.  Clearly it is designed to say ''healthy'' and environmentally friendly.  On closer inspection there's a statement on the side of the box - this is made from recycled cardboard, and the company tell us they are partnered with Landcare Australia.  I like that.

The proof is in the eating though, so I sell the idea to the chidlren that they are part of a special group of testers (not cereal eaters, my two) and they enthusiastically view the bowls in front of them, telling me it looks'' yummy''.  So far so good.

Unfortunately both children were unexcited about it after the first couple of mouthfuls - The dancing queen claiming it was too spicy (she has zero tolerance for cinnamon) and the little engineer less than thrilled with the bran flakes.  

I loved it.  It has a chai latte kind of quality that I really enjoyed (I guess that's the cardamom)  and therefore a more sophisticated flavour than most honey based cereals.  I'm not a fan of milk on cereal and so ate it fairly dry but that was fine too and it didn't stick the roof as my mouth as muesli style cereals are apt to do.

I'm also not really one for checking nutritional content on cereal - as long as it's not too sugar or salt laden I'm happy - mainly because to get any breakfast into my family is a win on the day.  That said, I was happy with the contents and liked the variety of grains on offer.  The pumpkin seeds are a nice touch too, adding a bit of colour and variety of texture.

Would I buy this again? Absolutely - and I look forward to trying another flavour in the range.

Be Natural Manuka Honey and Spice clusters

I belong to a fantastic blogging community of mothers.  There's hundreds of blogs and topics and always something thought provoking to mull on.

Recently we were invited to take part in a taste test for a new cereal being launched onto the New Zealand market.

Be Natural is an Australian brand but their products sit quite nicely alongside the Kiwi counterparts on the shelf - but with some quite unique differences.

The first thing to stand out is the packaging - natural cardboard box with no gaudy colours or pictures, this looks completely different to the other cereals right off the bat.  Clearly it is designed to say ''healthy'' and environmentally friendly.  On closer inspection there's a statement on the side of the box - this is made from recycled cardboard, and the company tell us they are partnered with Landcare Australia.  I like that.

The proof is in the eating though, so I sell the idea to the chidlren that they are part of a special group of testers (not cereal eaters, my two) and they enthusiastically view the bowls in front of them, telling me it looks'' yummy''.  So far so good.

b-hap's (big hairy audacious prayers)

This morning, while randomly trawling through radio stations in the car, I heard a bit of a segment on Radio Rhema (yeah AM I know...).  It was a talk by well known preacher Tak Bhana on a show called 'Running with Fire''.  The essential message was that Christians need to be braver when asking God for 'the big things.''.  He spoke of how people become disheartened when they ask God for something and don't get it, but that we simply need to have more faith and keep asking.  He cited an example of needing an extremely large sum of money - he asked God for it, and there it was.

Now I'm the first person to admire someone for such faith.  And to agree that there are times that we shrink our view of God to such an extent that we might not believe he is capable of what we ask Him for.

But to hear that I just needed to be more faith-full, and to keep asking for bigger, more amazing things?  Well that makes me uncomfortable.  Not because I don't believe God isn't capable of giving our hearts desire.  But because it's all a bit close to the prosperity theology that has been popular of late.

Sure ask God for big things.  Believe that he is able to give them.  But don't think of his as a magician, able to conjure up all that you want, just because you asked for it.

human nature

“It's really a wonder that I haven't dropped all my ideals, because they seem so absurd and impossible to carry out. Yet I keep them, because in spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart.” 
― Anne Frank, The Diary of a Young Girl

Up until very recently I subscribed to the Anne Frank view of life.  I want to believe that despite it all, we human beings are decent people.  That we are fundamentally ''good''.

Unfortunately recent events are leading me to re-evaluate that opinion.  A person who is extremely close to me has been badly deceived by someone she trusted.  It's not important to go into the details, but suffice to say, her belief in the goodness of mankind has been somewhat shaken too, and I'm seeing the after effects and pain that results from the deception.

And so I've changed my perspective.  I still hold the belief that human beings have the potential to be good.  That we have an underlying drive for self preservation and also for the preservation of each other, and that includes upholding our core values.  But I also think that maybe we have an equal potential to be ''bad''.

I am still not entirely convinced of the Christian theological position that we are all inherently evil and born that way.   But I am becoming more and more sure that we have it within our selves to be sinful (to use a Christian term), or hurtful/selfish (to use a more humanist term).

 And, I'm beginning to think that maybe it is not until we experience hurt ourselves, that we can shine the light on our own hurtful behaviours and take steps to change them.  

This conclusion makes me sad.  And even though I still have at the root of all this, the belief that every person is redeemable (there's another of those Christian explanations), and that no-one is irrecoverably broken, the fact that we are human makes us capable of harm without effort or even intention.

priorities and other stuff that's important

For the past day and a bit I have been at a training conference for my one my jobs.  Yep, I have more than one. I have 4 in fact, and to date I have juggled them fairly successfully, as long as I work on a just-in-time model and largely operate in the ''important and urgent'' quadrant!

My new boss, only in the job a few weeks, and this was the first time he had met his team en masse, spoke this morning on the topic of priority.  It was a devotional-focused session, and several times he said ''this is what I'm hearing/learning/having revealed to me.  And each time that happened I thought ''me too''.


You see, I have been really considering if it is sustainable to get four (income producing) balls in the air.  I'm worried that one thing is taking priority over another.  That in fact some things don't get the priority they deserve.  Including my family.  My work includes after hours time on the phone or computer.  The kids don't get that, even though the pay off is that I am home for them every day after school.

I arrived back to collect my children, being cared for by grandparents, after 18 hours of learning and discussion and very little sleep, and 2 1/2 hours on the motorway, to find my son ill.  I didn't even take my shoes off and was straight to the hospital where I learned he had an infection in a cut on his foot which had turned septic and was making him quite ill.   I had been checking the foot each day, but in a cursory way it must be said.  And that kind of thing happens quickly.  I was reassured by the Dr it was ''boy stuff'' and he was given a tetanus shot and some antibiotics.  It gave me a fright.

This evening I realised again that I need to deliberate the issue thoroughly.And soon.   And then be deliberate in my actions.

It's a tough question and one I know is demanding an answer of me and soon: what are your priorities and what do you need to do to get them in the right order?   I've got a feeling that the answer is going to be a bit painful and uncomfortable to address.  I know that I don't WANT to give up anything I do.  But I also know that I NEED to in order to manage - no, honour, my priorities.

How about you? What are your priorities? Do you feel they get the time and attention they deserve?

do i have sucker tattooed on my forehead?

So I've started my renovations.  There's been a flurry of tradesmen coming in and having a look about, sucking on their teeth, making vague noises about mess and fuss...and offering me completely outrageous quotes for the work I'm requesting to be done.

I hasten to add here that some of the tradesmen have been fantastic, spending lots of time talking through what it is I want, offering suggestions and following through with their promises.

But I am sure that the minute the slightly less honourable ones realise that I am a single woman, they see an opportunity to pull the wool.   I can see it from their expressions...''ah someone who has no idea...here's an opportunity to make a bit extra"!  Call me a cynic but I am sure that if there were a bloke lurking in the background they would be rather more exact with their pricing, and would spend less time talking about how much dust they are going to create and more on the details of what they are actually needing to do.

I'm a pretty independent kind of girl, heck up until recently I even owned my own chainsaw (I sold it because I just wasn't get the use of it...).

But I know my limitations and I also want to trust the people that come into my house to do the jobs I am not able to do.  I just wish they'd treat me as if I had a few more clues than they think I have.  In fact, why not treat me like a bloke.  that'd work.

the things we do for love

- stay up until midnight creating a birthday cake that we looks fantastic, get it out the next day and learn that it looks nothing like the birthday boy wanted...but he loves it anyway
- have a houseload of kids come and mess the place up, and eat me out of house and home
- spend $10k on a new bathroom because the tween spends way too much time in front of the mirror and it's driving the rest of us mad
- drive a 75km round trip to pick up a cat for a birthday present, only to have same cat run away and have to do the same trip the next day
- spend $40 on party food that will mostly likely end up on the deck or in the pigfood and not in the kids mouths
- spend hours and hours on a sausage sizzle raising money for kids hobbies
- lie awake worrying about said cat, and wondering how to explain if it doesn't come back
- consider getting another cat asap and trying to pass it off as it's twin....

little boxes made of ticky tacky

Today I went to a new part of town.  It's a sprawling subdivision following on from another sprawling subdivision which is an extension of another area of subdivision to the north of the city.

The house I visited was gorgeous - all modern lines and a fancy kitchen and designer garden.  But there were some things about the neighbourhood that made me feel, well, frankly uneasy.

Row after row after row of identical houses, with ''neighbour friendly'' fencing on each sides.  Tiny sections. Long roads with little planting and no hills or dales to break the monotony.  Brick and tile as far as the I could see.  Big garage doors are the feature that face the road.   And they weren't cheap.  The signs I saw advertised houses ready to be bought for upwards of $400k.

It took a full ten minutes of driving on a wide new road to get back to the main street, and a further 20 minutes across mad traffic to get to the outskirts of the city.  There were no pedestrians to be seen, let alone people walking dogs, or pushing prams.  No kids on bikes.  No one in their garden watering the plants.  Barely a house with a window open in fact.

I came back to my sleepy village, where every house is different and people live their lives in their gardens - which are as much at the front of the house as the back.  Where kids of as young as 6 or 7 walk and bike to school.  Where there is always at least one person walking their dog.  Where there are stiles over the fences between neighbouring houses for easy ''kid access''.  Where I can go for three or four days without getting the car out of the garage.

Perhaps sprawling developments with pristine housing is the way forward.  No doubt if you live in such a place you would say it has appeal and attractions.    Low maintenance.  Public transport.  New water and power systems.  Modern facilities.

Where I am there's a few tatty bits.  It can be noisy with all those kids and dogs about. :) There's always someone passing by to stop and talk to.  There's trees that shed leaves on the lawn.  The odd dodgy hole in the paths and roads.  There's no bus.  I have a septic tank because theirs no public sewerage system.

But I wouldn't have it any other way.

hugs not drugs

I had bumped into a friend in the supermarket yesterday.  I don't see him very often, and he greeted me (in the queue) with a great bear hug.

Today he came by my house for a proper catch up, and again his visit started and ended with a hug.  He's a spiritual kind of guy, and we talked a lot about ''that kind of stuff''.  In fact, we got onto the subject of touch, as he is a healer, but in particular where it fits when you're around people not well known to you.

I mentioned that although part of work takes me into "corporate world" it is not uncommon for me to hug the people I meet.  He works in a trade, and says he often hugs his customers as he leaves his house.

Now this might sound kind of strange to the less tactile among us, but I reflected on the idea of touch further today and decided that it had become part of the way I do things - and how much I wish more people connected in this way.  I understand that there are places, and times, and people where it's not appropriate - but for me, touch is an important way of communicating.  And too many people are starved on safe, non-sexual touch.

I'll admit it. I love hugs. I love being enveloped by someone I feel safe with.  I love being able to hug my friends.  Touch is not my primary love language (more on that here) but it sure rates up there!  (Cuddles are great too...but that's not what I'm talking about here.:))

In a busy world there is often little chance to even to stop and talk, let alone take the time to physically - and by association, spiritually or emotionally - connect with the people we come across.  Imagine what a changed world we would live in if this were done differently.

Idealistic? Probably.  A bit kooky? Possibly.  Life-changing? Definitely.

the power of choice

My eldest child is extremely strong-willed. There's no getting away from it, or prettying it up - she's liked being in charge, and getting her own way.  Believe me it causes some challenges and some grief - not least because her mother is kind of the same....

She understands that I'm the head of the house (well, most of the time she does...) and she accepts that there are going to be decisions made that she's not necessarily going to like.  But one of the things I've learned over the past few years (the hard way, mostly) is that things go a whole lot more smoothly in our house when she feels like she has some control over the things going on in her life.  She's barely 9, but I am conscious that she is wanting to feel some independence.

So I have started allowing her some choice.  She can choose what to wear  -  made easier because I decide what is in her wardrobe in the first place so there's nothing inappropriate.  This is a biggie as at times she would happily wear a fur coat in summer and a t-shirt in winter.  Sometimes I have to bite my tongue... :) She can choose what to eat for lunch, as long as I vet the lunchbox before it goes in the school bag.  She can choose where to sit at the dinner table.  Whether to bike or walk to school.  Whether to read or draw before bed.   How her hair is done and when it gets washed (my only requirement is once a week, she picks when).

I've also starting allowing some small freedoms.  Choosing lights-out time (within reason).  Going for a bike ride on her own.  Using the phone.  Some screen time playing games she wants to play rather than for homework.

It seems like small stuff - in fact it IS small stuff, but it has gone a long way to making her feel like she is part of the decision making in our house.


And that has made for a happier household.

living the good life

I live in a small rural town - well a village really - with a population of about a thousand people.  Families come here from all over the world.  They like how the village looks and feels - it's proximity to countryside but also to the town - it's wide open streets, it's community focus.

Within the town boundaries - which are easily walkable - theres a school, church, pub, superette, two cafes, three gift shops, Playcentre, museum, petrol station, hairdresser and a few other non-retail businesses, community facilities,  and clubrooms.  We have our own newspaper, monthly market, Christmas festival.  There's clubs and interest groups galore, from Bowls to Weaving to Scouts.  It feels like most people are either on a committee or in the volunteer Fire Brigade, or helping out at school.

Everyone knows each other, or so it seems.  Children walk or bike to school with each other.  They drop in on their friends after school and at weekends.  There's always a kid to play with at the park.  You always see someone you know at the store.  When someone dies, half the village seems to be at the funeral.   Families socialise together - children get to see others families in action, and parents get to share that load a little.  I have made some incredible friends here and they have in many ways become my family.

Some years ago I explored the possibility of living in an intentional community - you know the kind - a place people choose to move to, where  people share values, and sometimes real estate but maintain their own homes.  Where families eat together and learn together.  They share their veges and mind each others children.  It all sounded rather Utopian.  It was exactly what I wanted, for me, and my children.   The down side was I was going to have to move a long way from ''home''.

And then it hit me - I actually live in one already.

I feel incredibly blessed to be part of such an awesome community and have no plans to leave.  Having lived all over the world, I think I've found the place I can truly call home.

frugal shopping

I had a major sort out in the wardrobe last week (yes, another one).  I was ruthless - removed lots of clothes I haven't worn in ages, things I wasn't sure about, things that needed mending.  It was quite horrifying how many impulse buys went on the discard pile (along with a favourite top that somehow got caught up and ended at the op shop too but that's another story...).

The upshot was that the wardrobe looked a whole lot emptier (I have a rail just a bit bigger than a single wardrobe and a 3 drawer chest).  So, what better thing to do, than have an attempt at filling it again.

I discovered the joy of op shop/preloved/vintage clothing when I found myself a single parent with not a whole lot of money.  It's now become my main source of shopping, and after a few mistakes along the way I have developed a few rules.  I am not ashamed to tell people of my latest bargains, and many have asked for my secrets in unearthing some of the treasures, so here they are

TOP TEN SECRETS FOR SHOPPING FOR PRE-LOVED CLOTHING

1. Start with the working out your style exercise.  I discovered Trinny and Susannah and follow the rules religiously.  Now I can scan a shop rail and know very quickly if there is anything I will want to buy.  I stick to certain colours and styles and rarely move from them.   It can be boring but it's also reliable and saves time and money, and fashion disasters....

2. Don't shop by brand necessarily, but learn which ones suit you in terms of cut and style.  This also helps you avoid mistakes.  And means you will quickly find those brands on a crowded rack.  I am a bit of a label snob and am always drawn to more high end brands, and the reality is that they simply are better quality.   That said, many of them simply don't suit me.  This particularly applies to skirts and jeans - when cut is crucial - and then you can often get some real bargains. I recently bought Hartleys jeans for $15 which still had a new tag stating $129 on them.  I also watch for English brands which are invariable better quality than their kiwi counterparts (I especially like Jigsaw, Wallis and River Island)

3. Be choosy about fabric.  Don't buy anything that is even slightly scruffy or worn.  It will always feel second hand.  Where ever possible avoid synthetics too.  They almost always smell second hand. Forever. Ick.

4. Even though something might only be costing $5 don't buy it unless you love it.  Apply the same rules as if you were paying full retail price.  Trust me, a bargain is not a bargain if it never gets worn.

5. Always keep your price limits back of mind.  I will not pay more than $12 for anything, other than a dress and even then my upper limit is always $15.  Otherwise I might as well wait for a sale and buy new.  My average purchase price is $7.

6. If you're creative, look at something that might be able to be reworked - hem altered or accessory added

7. Always keep one eye out for fantastic vintage buys.  Some stores specialise in them and there are some incredible bargains.  I have a small collection of gorgeous things I may never wear but represent moments in time.

8. Shop little and often, and have two lists in mind - firstly, things you need that go with what you already have, and secondly special occasion things.  Because these are less common in shops you need to grab when you can.

9. Tell others about the shops you visit.  The more customers they have the more stock they seem to carry.    

10. Don't write off a dusty old op shop that doesn't look appealing from the outside. These ones often carry the best finds.

playing nicely

It's been a long school holiday this time round.  Two weeks of rubbish weather, a week without a car, and now two weeks of working and having to juggle kid stuff around the office work.

I've done my best to have as many outings and play dates as possible to keep the children happy and occupied - mainly because like most kids, if it's just them, there's constant niggling, grizzling, fighting and ''it's not fairing''.  Which, interestingly almost never happens when there's extras around - and definitely doesn't happen when they are at someone Else's house.

It's rare for kids to squabble and be deliberately unkind to their friends - especially to the degree they do it with their siblings.  And it seems to me that adults are a bit the same. 

It's an intriguing thing to me.  The people that we should be the most respectful of, the most accommodating toward, the most loving to, are the ones we treat the worst.  Parents, kids, siblings, partners - all seem to get the blunt end of our behaviour.

But our friends - that's a different matter.  We show our best side to them - they get the sparkling wit, the generous hospitality, the stimulating conversation, the generosity of spirit.  If we're having a bad day we keep out of their way - rather than take it out on them.  If they annoy or hurt us we make allowances, or compensate.   We excuse them a poor decision or two.  We accommodate their diet, their music preference, their housekeeping style, the way they parent, how they drive, their cooking.   We often even take their criticisms - their feedback - seriously and with far more humility than we would afford a relative or work colleague!

We choose them for their unique qualities and love them unconditionally.  We are usually more tolerant than in any other relationship.  We are almost always thrilled to see them, and delight in their company.

So why do we treat them best? Is it because with friends, they are the easiest to lose?

decisions decisions decisions

Definition of AMBIVALENCE

1

: simultaneous and contradictory attitudes or feelings (as attraction and repulsion) toward an object, person, or action

2

a : continual fluctuation (as between one thing and its opposite)b : uncertainty as to which approach to follow

— am·biv·a·lent adjective

— am·biv·a·lent·ly adverb

I have found myself using the word ''ambivalent'' way too much lately. In this part of the world it is often used to mean ''i don't really care one way or the other" but I mean it in its true sense of being conflicted - having two opposing views about something.

I use it partly because I like it as a word, but also because I do seem to have been faced with a number of things - both big and small and in between - where I have had two differing directions of thought.

My FDH used to say I spent half my life weighing up pros and cons and was incapable of making a decision based on gut reaction and I think he may have been right.  I've got better at it, and the truth is of course, that if I listen to my inner voice (really truly listen), I know exactly what my opinion is, or what decision I ought to make.  It's just that I am an expert at weighing up consequences and trying to be balanced with outcomes.  It must be a hangover from my days of Banking! 

Why is it that we don't trust our inner voice?  Do we fear being wrong? Being right?  Being perceived as opinionated or inflexible?

What decisions do you dither about?  Which do you find easy to make, and which are easier to deviate from?    

When you make a decision that turns out to be the ''wrong'' one (and I use that term loosely) do you find it easy to forgive yourself?  Are you able to change direction?

Reason - Gut feeling - Fact...What drives you? 

making the main thing the main thing

Last year, I did my best to do some consolidating. It kind of worked...I started paying off a little more debt (that is...I worked more, including a new job). I spent a little more time on stuff for me (dancing of course,,,and achieving my 2011 goals). I made some amazing new friends and spent time really getting to know them.
I guess you could say the words to sum up my year were ''consolidation'' and ''deliberate'' (see my December post on living deliberately
http://mighty-acorns.blogspot.com/2011/12/living-deliberately.html

This year, I think it is going to be about priority and boundaries.  I need to take stock of the things I do that fill my days, and head.  I need to work better at not making too many compromises (with my heart more than my head it must be said).   I need to be clearer with myself, and others, about what my boundaries actually are.  I need to learn to say NO sometimes and I also need to say YES more too.

I'm excited about the year ahead.  I've got lots of things I want to do.  A number of things in the pipeline I've been planning for a while, and some that have just shown up.  There are people I want to spend more time with.  Books I want to read.  Some new experiences to try.

Could you describe your life in a couple of words? How would you like to define the way you live it out each day?  What truly motivates you?  Would an adjective be more effective at giving you focus for the year ahead than a New Years resolution?

working under pressure

There's no doubt about it, I'm a tidy freak. I like being organised. I LOVE decluttering.  There's always just one more thing that could be chucked/recycled/donated.

I'm also pretty organised, and have an electronic diary which reminds me each day (as well as 3 days, and 24 hours before the event) what I need to remember or achieve.  I do lists.  I tick them off. I have New Years resolutions and usually keep them.  I take a list to the supermarket.  I mend stuff.

I like tidy cupboards.  I have a capsule wardrobe.  All my bills are on automatic payment.

Which makes me sound like a total control freak right? (Moi!?!)....

But I have a guilty secret - well at least, it was a secret until now....And this is it:  I work best under pressure. Which means...
- I tend to operate in bursts of super high energy, but those are easily squashed by long periods of faffing about.
- I put things off and then do them all in a mad rush - like starting the ironing at 10 pm.  Or washing up the dishes right when I should be leaving for work.
- I don't spend a leisurely hour getting ready to go out to dinner - it's a ten minute mad rush right before I should have left already
- I have this awesome reminder that tells me when my bank account is getting low - but rather than monitor it, I wait until I get the insistent beeps and then transfer money right on closing time.
- I leave getting a haircut until I really should have had it done a week before.  Ditto colour.  Ditto Warrants on the Car.

I guess you could say I work on Just In Time.

It works for me.  Most of the time.  And I doubt I can change the habit of a lifetime, no matter how much I wish I was cool calm and collected.

I liken myself to the duck gliding serenely on the water for all to see, but actually paddling like mad underneath...

What's your work style?

Happiness and contentment

Further to the post about the commercialism of Christmas and our need it now culture I have a question for you...

Do you ever think...If I just had THAT I would be happy?  If I had that promotion, that house, that dress?  If I were friends with her, If I lived in that suburb, if I could have that trip of a lifetime, if I lost that last 5 kg... I would be content?

And even though you know that it's a ridiculous notion - after all, once it's obtained, completed or experienced, then what? - you still harbour the secret thought that maybe, maybe it might just satisfy the need?

If you turned that upside down, and decided that in order to achieve that thing, it might be a good idea to be happy FIRST - then what would you do? How would it affect the way you are on a day to day basis? Would you be more content to live in the moment? Could you settle?

What if you could let go of the thing that might define your happiness, and look at the world as it is for you now?  Are you happy?

all about food

All about food – are you tagged? Broot ...

challenged me to answer some questions on food and cooking.

1. What, or who inspired you to start a blog?
Originally I wanted to write a diary of sorts about my children and my business.  It's evolving:)

2. Who is your foodie inspiration?
Jamie.He changed the way I cook..

3. Your greasiest, batter – splattered food/drink book is?
The Playcentre cookbook that I compiled - mainly with my own recipes -  and published myself (want a copy? only $10!

4. Tell us all about the best thing you have ever eaten in another country, where was it, what was it?
Too many to choose from.  But I did do Europe by food - black forest cake in the black forest, truffles in Belgium, Baguette in Paris and so on...

6. What is the one kitchen gadget you would ask Santa for this year (money no object of course)?
A dishwasher

7. Who taught you how to cook?
Mum, Nana, Jamie.

8. I’m coming to you for dinner what’s your signature dish?
Lasagne or Pasta Carbonara with way too much bacon and fresh cream.  Apple strudel.

 What is your guilty food pleasure?

Dark chocolate.  Oh and Pringles - but it's true, once you pop you can't stop

10. Reveal something about yourself that others would be surprised to learn?
After 10 years of Playcentre I still need a recipe to make playdough

Finally…tag 5 other bloggers with these questions…like a hot baked potato…pass it on!

thinking positively in a negative world

There's lots of funny emails and Facebook posts about the ways men and women interpret things differently. Or how kids say one thing and parents say another.

Today my grizzle - and yes I'm going to indulge in one - is about how often society (generalising here but I'm allowed cos it''s my blog...) prefers to take a negative view than a positive one.

e.g. I say I'm open and vulnerable. You say I'm needy.  I say she's intuitive.  They say she jumps to conclusions to quickly.   I say you're spiritually open.  Someone else would say you're a fruitcake.

Why do we do this? Why can't those ''soft'' characteristics be considered strengths not weaknesses?

Similarly the person who is discerning is labelled picky or intolerant.  The one with really strong boundaries is described as inflexible or judgmental.  High energy equals wired.  Low energy equals lazy.  Laid back is considered unmotivated.  Brave is too easily translated as foolhardy.   Can't win!

I've also heard it said that the negative way we describe others is usually more a reflection on what we think of ourselves than what we really feel about them.

Here's an idea...what if for 2012 we made a conscious effort to do less labelling and more accepting?  Would it change the way you felt about other people?  Would it change the way you feel about YOU?

Which words would you use to describe yourself... the positive ones or the negative ones? Why?

spoiled brats and a throwaway culture

That's how a friend described her children today.  she didn't mean it literally (well I don't think so...), but referred to the way our children's generation has access to everything their heart desires, and never seem to have to wait for it.


I am incredibly lucky that my kids are largely not ''stuff'' driven.  But they too love a trip to spend their precious $2!  And have no qualms about discarding something if it is out of date, or fashion, or just not exciting any more  (that bit isn't all together too bad, as at least they don't accumulate the clutter!!!)


At the risk of sounding curmudgeonly, I agreed that things just weren't the same as when we were kids.  We got books on birthdays and at Christmas.  I remember waiting an entire year for a packet of felt tip pens (the new thing then), and only getting them because a relative had been abroad and could bring them back.  All my clothes were homemade, or purchased at Farmers, once a year.  No way would my mother have considered entering an op shop to buy anything.

That was the days before the Warehouse, the $2 shop and Trade me.  Nothing was really disposable. In fact I still have many of my toys, even some of my clothes from my childhood....

So now, when we notice the trousers are getting a little short, or it's a rainy Sunday with not much on, it's all too easy to make a trip to town.  And it's cheap - at the time.  Clothes cost the same in dollar terms as they did thirty years ago.  Many things are way cheaper.  There is no expectation that anything will last more than a season - and in fact not much need for it to do so - after all it will likely be too small, too out of date, or discarded through boredom by then anyway.

Technology is cheap.  Even the special food we used to get only at Christmas and birthdays are every day groceries now.

And so we risk a generation of need it-want it -get it mentality.  And when it's no longer wanted, or interesting, or current, it can be discarded without though.

I just hope that this obsession with the here and now, the growing culture of the takeaway, and our apparent disinterest in longevity will not end up applying to our relationships with real people

living out loud

Over the past couple of weeks I have used my phone to it's fullest capacity - taking photos of the children at every opportunity and creating a visual diary of their summer, all the while posting it on Facebook for the viewing pleasure of friends and family abroad.

It struck me that there is something rather narcissistic about doing this...really truly who is interested in looking at (often not very good) photos of my kids with other random friends.  In locations most people have never been to, and are probably unlikely to ever get to.

A friend of mine once said that she took the most photos when she was the most unhappy....that is, that when she was content with her life,  she could allow it to simply unfold around her.  When things weren't so good she would take dozens of photos of herself (with friends, socialising mainly) as if to convince herself what a fabulous life she actually had.

Times have changed a bit since that comment, particularly with the invention of the digital camera and instant uploading - but I think possibly the sentiment still stands.  I want the children to be able to look back and say ''wow we had a great time then!'' long after they can no longer remember it.  And, whilst many of those photographs make the public forum of Facebook, many more are carefully put in a real photo album, and more still are in a digital album on the computer.

I would hate to end up like the ubiquitous Japanese tourist, who spends their whole holiday viewing a new place from behind a camera - only really getting to appreciate it on their return home to the projector screen.  But truth be told I enjoy capturing those fun moments and sharing them with others - or at least imagining that others will enjoy looking at them as much as I do.   And some days, yes, I do need to be reminded how good my life actually is.

out with the old

A couple of days before Christmas I decided it was time for another cupboard purge.  I asked each child to take a good look in their room and bring out 10 things they no longer wanted (either outgrown, broken, whatever).  The dancing queen came out a few minutes later with a plastic bag full of half used colouring books and a pile of felt tip pens.  I followed behind and filled a few more bags....The little engineer proceeded to remove every single thing from his bedroom and put it in the middle of the lounge floor, announcing that he didn't want any of it, and anyway he would be getting plenty of new things for Christmas.

It took most of the afternoon, but we sorted through it all.  Now I'm a less is more kind of person, and was amazed that there was really anything to be thrown out, but we managed to put together 6 banana boxes of stuff - for rubbish, recycling, donating and storing.  Extraordinary!

It also threw into the sharp relief, the childrens expectations that there was ''plenty more where that came from''.  Come Christmas day, there was actually little that came in - gifts had been carefully thought out and  included a minimal amount of ''stuff'' - and the children were more than happy with that.

What amazes me most though, is how I consider myself clutter free, junk free and as consumable light as I can be, and still we managed to find a carful of stuff no longer wanted.

building traditions from the traditional

Christmas turned out to be a simple and relatively low key affair in my house.  Quite a bit of the day was spent alone (ie just the children and I) with people coming and going.  Dinner was a ''bring your leftovers'' affair, with 4 families sharing - and this was possibly the highlight of the day.  the kids played and danced to their new CD's. the parents got to enjoy each others company, sitting in fading light on the deck.

I love that we went ""mnmlst"" this year.  The food was delicious but simple and I resisted the temptation of having laden plates of calorific snacks out all day long.  The company was awesome - people who really mattered were here.  The gifts were also thoughtful.  I asked the children to pack up everything they had been given and they filled only one paper carry bag each.  And all were things I know they will use and love and treasure including books and games (oh and chocolate...).

We've followed this way of doing things for years, but this year it somehow felt more meaningful and purposeful.  The season has been about people and experiences.  Carol singing, supper with neighbours, light trails. Small but meaningful gifts.  Church. Lights.  Evening barbeques.   A nod to the past and also bedding in some new habits.    I have a resolve. Sharing the meaning of christmas in ways that are Yep, meaningful, purposeful - and deliberate.   I want this to be our family tradition.

what if...

Have a look at your diary.  Are there many (any!) days in December that aren't filled already?

School events, work and club Christmas parties,  shopping, family functions, a bit more Christmas shopping, possibly a trip to the hairdresser, the car needs a service, need to sort the mortgage, get a school pool key, start stocking the pantry for christmas day, organise the summer holiday....I'm getting tired just thinking about it all!

My editorial from the latest issue of the Village Voice....

It's a been a busy year - busier that most I am sure - with irregular school terms, national tragedies and celebrations punctuating our seasons, and a higher than normal incidence of bugs and germs ''doing the rounds''.

So as you read through this Village Voice - and marvel at just how busy our town is - I would like you to consider a challenge.  what if, just for a a few hours (or longer if you dare), you cancelled all those urgent, and important, and also the urgent and important  engagements, and just stopped.   Stayed home.  Kept the television, computer and telephone turned off.  Or went for a walk, leaving the mobile phone at home.  Or chose to turn down yet another party invitation? Or made just one less trip to the shop for an émergency'' ?  It's possible no-one else would even notice, or if they did, they could well be wistfully imagining it was them who had not raced to get to the party on time.

Imagine what you could do with the three extra hours that a Christmas party comes in.  Or the hour circling the car park at the shopping mall.  Or the 45 minutes in the queue at the supermarket checkout.

Consider what you might do to make life just a little simpler, a little easier this christmas.  It might be as simple as saying ''no''.

living deliberately

The buzzwords these days, especially in Christian circles, are purposeful, and intentional.

Me, I like deliberate.

Deliberate says...I've weighed up the options.  Deliberate says I've thought this through.  Deliberate says I'm going to do this deliberately.  Without wavering.  With purpose.  With an expected outcome.  Carefully.  Mindfully.  

The other buzzword doing the rounds is authentic.

Now this one I like.  If I am authentic I'm being true to myself.  I'm not compromising. I'm being honest, even if it's not in a widely accepted form.  I'm real.

When I reflect on what I have achieved this year, I can, hand on heart, say it has been done authentically and deliberately.   I've stayed true to myself.  As a result  I've made a couple of spectacular errors of judgement, and a few more awesomely effective decisions.   I've ticked off all the 'to do's'' on my list of resolutions.  I've looked after myself, deliberately, spiritually, physically.  Emotionally it's been a bit touch and go but I'm working on it;)

So my question for you is this:  Whether it be in your business, work or personal life, have you been deliberate in your actions this year?  Why or why not?  Does this resonate with you?  If you've been floundering a bit, could it be a new way forward for 2012? 

All I want for Christmas

...is for my family to be able to be in the same room for more than two hours and get on - or at least pretend to
...is for the children to get through til New Year without being stuffed full of sugar and artificial colourings (given to them by others, not me)
...is a good nights sleep
...is to be able to get a pile of cherries from the tree on Christmas morning
...is to get through the next ten days of madness and stay sane (or pretend to be...)
...is to avoid hearing Snoopy's Christmas, which I'm sure contributes to the spike in crime, alcohol consumption and bad tempers the world over because it's just so darned annoying
...is to resist the shops for just a few more days and be satisfied with the shopping I've done
... is the company of wonderful friends and family, some good food, an engaging book, and maybe a nice glass of champagne
...is a few fine days, maybe a couple of hot ones, and not too many rainy ones
...is lots of kisses and cuddles from the people who matter most

acts of kindness

It would seem that the cynics might be right...my conservative Christian friends believe that the world is an inherently bad place...that people are are born ...evil...or flawed...or whatever term you want to use to describe the humanness of us all.


Today I am feeling sceptical...disillusioned even.

I want to believe that the world is full of good people.  I want to believe that people are basically good.  But time after time, I put my faith in another person (perhaps that is flawed in itself) and find myself being let down.  I understand that we are not perfect  - and I certainly take no issue with the idea that as humans we are  capable, even gifted, at falling short.   But what I'm talking about here is the ability to simply be kind.  


Whether it be in word or deed, surely the world would be a better place - and we would get on a whole lot better in it - if we tempered our actions and thoughts with kindness.   When we are kind to our bodies, our environment, the people around us,  surely the knock on effect can only be positive.  And conversely, when someone is unkind to us, it is all to easy to respond the same way, creating a butterfly effect of discontent.

Words can be harsh...and needlessly so in my opinion.  I accept that many things are said from raw emotion, that often we don't think through the consequences of our words and actions before ''getting them out there'' but surely this is another good reminder of the need to think twice, act once?

I have heard way too many stories this week of real unkindness.  Meanness.  Selfishness.  Narcissism.  Misogynistic behaviour.  It grieves me deeply.

Kind words make people feel valued.  Harsh words don''t.  It's that simple.  If we live by the maxim of loving each other as we would love ourselves then I would have to ask this question:  what value do we put on ourselves when we speak unkindly to others?

Honesty is essential.  Integrity too.  And to cloak these qualities in kindness must surely be one the greatest challenges of all.