A series of unfortunate events (where every cloud has a silver lining)

The day did not start well.  Or rather, the night before had not ended well, with one child vomiting, three basket loads of washing exploding on the couch, and the results of two kids 'marikon'ing their bedrooms still sitting in the office.

But I digress.  8.30 am and, first unfortunate event, said child still sick in bed.  My diary full for the day, all meetings, all out of the office, cheekily coupled with some report writing and at least a dozen emails that had somehow gone from 'not important not urgent' to 'beyond important and ridiculously urgent' in the space of a weekend.

The morning sped by as I answered emails and checked on sick child every twenty minutes, snuck in a couple (more) loads of washing, ran the dishwasher and conducted phone calls via the ear piece that cunningly disguised the noises that said I was working from home. (first silver lining, the work from home-ability of my job)

Midday. 1 pm.  Something had to give.  Woke sick child (SC)and coaxed her into the car.  What to do first?  Perhaps some drop offs - that might work because then SC could wait in the car whilst I double parked it.  Result!  And now the supermarket.  Out of cat food (last nights other unfortunate event...) She decides to come in with me.

The car had been a bit...shall we say...sluggish on the way to town.  Made a mental note that it was 6 weeks overdue for a service and this was important to ensure it stayed within warranty.

Quick trip round the supermarket and back to the car.  Second unfortunate event - the key is stuck in the ignition!  Did I have a flat battery? (Quite possible as there is no warning beeper on the lights, as I have discovered to my peril on at least 5 other occasions including the unfortunate incident that involved a Waiheke ferry and Auckland5  oclock traffic but I digress).  No, battery is fine.  I ring the local Chery dealer - explain where I am and what's going on.  They've never heard of such a thing, and more, they are no longer the Chery dealer - its an outfit in Hamilton.  But, because I am a good customer they'll send someone out for a quick look.

Second silver lining - a lovely man turns up within 5 minutes, at no cost to me, to look at my car.
Unfortunately he can't fix it so I ring the new dealer in Hamilton.  Fabulously nice service from a young man on the phone, until he clarifies the make and model of the car and tells me, actually no, they aren't the dealers of these at all.

I ring the national office, and eventually, through a series of more fortunate events end up talking to a guy on his mobile who just happens to be in the next office to the National Service Manager (both unfortunate and silvery as I learn that yes, my car is still under warranty, but no, there is no local dealer and the car will have to be towed to Taupo for fixing - at their cost...unfortunate silver?).
IN the middle of this a friend walks past the car, and offers to take SC home with her (silver!)
The guy on the phone gives me a number to call, and within 20 minutes - long enough for me to shoot up the road for a flat white in a takeaway cup - the local Roadside Assist man turns up, who (silver!) knows me and is based in a workshop just around the corner.

He hot wires the car (that's better than silver isn't it...) and we get to the workshop, even though i miss the entrance twice and have to drive right round Te Awamutu with google maps incorrectly directing me.

Don't worry he says, just tell me who to call at Chery head office and I'll sort it for you. (silver!)
I trot off, happily laden down with groceries, briefcase, laptop, kids car seat, and all the other flotsam i had retrieved from the car which appears to be headed for Taupo.  Oops I'm wearing high heeled boots (unfortunate).  There's a sunny seat I can rest on (silver).  But I'm in Te Awamutu, and it's a long walk home (unfortunate).

My dinosaur kindly offers me his other car to use (platinum, it's a Porsche) but remembers it is currently in getting work done on it at a workshop 15 km away and not warranted.  Could this day get any worse!!!!

A quick call to an obliging mechanic, and another to someone I remembered will be driving by my house from Te Awamutu to get home very soon, and I'm sorted.

Arrive to a ready 944, two kids fed and ready for pickup, and a helpfully quick dinner ready for throwing in the pan.

Yes a series of most unfortunate events, but also a LOT of silver linings, and I am, again, bowled over by the kindness of strangers.

And the best news.  The marvelous AA/mechanic, has managed to not only fix the car, saving it a trip to Taupo, but he's put a beeper on my lights.  Gold.

Speaking your truth (and other lies)

I was recently part of a discussion about the idea of ''speaking your truth''.  One person said it was vital to authentic living, another felt it was not only unnecessary but also risked being patently unkind. There were examples shared and when I learned what these particular truths were I was deeply saddened. Maybe it is the truth, but it certainly was not kind or loving. In fact it was, in my view simply an opportunity to justify an unkind action, dressed up as 'truth in love'.

I was intrigued...what did this concept of ''speaking truth'' mean? I did lots of reading - and this blog seems to sum up the concept quite well, particularly because it does so without being too ''new agey and spiritual''. I deeply admire people who are ''at one'' with the universe. Who proclaim to live love. Generally they exude a gentleness of spirit that I can only wish for! Perhaps this was the key? I need to 'speak my truth' more?

BUT, the more I read the more uncomfortable I became. And now my issues with speaking ones truth are many. I am absolutely in favour of being honest. I am absolutely convinced that the truth will always out. That's about integrity. Mores the pity more people weren't honest in this world! But I think there is far more to truth and honesty than truth and honesty.

The proponents of this concept (and every single article I read did this) talked a lot about the importance of being true to oneself.  They remind us that to live a lie is ultimately exhausting or worse, destructive. That to speak your truth is the only way to live life in order to be happy and fulfilled and at peace with yourself. They claim often and vehemently that no-one is responsible for the feelings and responses of another, often coupled with an extra disclaimer relating to karma, reminding us that nothing is right or wrong, it just ''is'' and the ''universe'' has its own way of dealing with things.That it is simply the selfishness of those who don't really want 'truth' that leads to pain. That pain is good if it a result of sharing your truth. Moreover, many of the writings reminded me that I should always offer peace and forgiveness to the person I have spoken my truth too.

That all sounds pretty good right?  Speak your truth! Be honest with your feelings! Share love and peace! So far, so good.

Its good to be honest.  It's important not to lie to ourselves. And it can be incredibly painful to self examine! But to think that speaking my truth in some way negates me from being responsible for anothers' feelings is beyond reproach. The line of reasoning saying  ''I am not responsible for their happiness'' is nearly palatable for me. I mostly agree, EXCEPT that saying things, doing things that I KNOW are going to hurt others surely means I need to own those actions?   ''You must speak your truth even if it hurts another'' is not necessarily responsible or the right course of action in my view - it neatly absolves me, the truth speaker, of owning consequence, as I can conveniently reason that the other persons pain is not really my problem. That I am upholding the true principals of love - essentially holding the truth in my hands and sharing it generously with the world.   By including a message of peace and forgiveness I am able to appear calm, centred, caring, when really it is little more than the Irish blessing ''sorry for your troubles''. (Often a  twee and meaningless response that sounds good but really has no depth at all.)

I totally agree that I am not responsible for the reactions of another person. And nor am I able to ultimately decide their actions. If I say something in ''my truth'' that is hurtful they have a choice about how to respond right? Right - except that I believe I am absolutely responsible for the drivel that can come out of my own mouth, and the emotional impact my words can have. (And believe me there's plenty of drivel....)

If I'm asked ''why didn't you employ me'' and my ACTUAL truth is ''you're an emotional wreck and you'll destroy my workplace'', what right do I have to say that!  Sure, it is possible to speak the truth in love (if you want to step even further down the new age path) - I don't think you're suited for this office...but I am yet to see evidence of anyone who subscribes to this way of thinking actually do that. It is claimed that these words are spoken in ''love'' but my experience of this is that actually it is based on the selfishness of the deliverer... and I make this claim because it seems that ''speakings one truth'' rarely relates to being truly mindful of the feelings of another  (one doesn't often hear about how speaking your truth can be uplifting, supportive and kind - its invariably about how to manage sharing negative stuff - or worse, used as a delivery mechanism of sharing opinion and unkind observations in the name of ''love'').

It is also worth nothing that speaking 'your' truth, as the gurus advise, is quite different from speaking ''the'' truth. It's a fine line, I admit, because, after all perception is reality, as these teachers remind us, and we can apparently only act from our own place of truth and honesty.

My post here on my other blog was exactly that.  That was MY truth, I make no excuse for it.   I was true to myself, gently and discreetly. BUT I did not say ''my truth''. I did not say 'I wish you peace''.  I did not say ''the universe will sort this out, one way or another''.  I said, I cannot support this action. There are consequences.  That is all I said. And I stepped away.  I could have not shared that truth.  I chose to and as a result I must own the consequence of sharing that. I lost a friend. More than one.

It seems that speaking your truth gives you licence to step aside from social norms. All the writers tell me so.  In fact, I'd almost go so far to say that the concept ''speaking/living your truth'' risks giving permission to abandon all else in the name of honesty.

I do not believe that we always ''speak our truth'' from a place of true love for others.  We are human and therefore inherently selfish.  I know I have said many things in my life that were hurtful and unkind and I regret that. I certainly will not hide behind those reactions and call them ''speaking my truth'' (although I like the idea...it seems rather attractive don't you think?).  Morality - or ones own version of it -  rarely figures. This philosophy of adding on the self righteous claim that our truth will lead to freedom and happiness and oneness is, frankly,  a blatant way of avoiding being responsible for the consequences of this truth. There's a reason I might add 'you can't handle the truth'' during an outburst. Because it's true. And in fact it is probably not my place, I think, to be forcing someone else in a position of having to handle anything because of my own feelings, wants and desires.

You see, for me, speaking ones truth means risking disregarding (or at the very least risking breaking) boundaries. Yes there are times when we have to make hard calls. When we see someone we love self destructing. When we feel ourselves crumbling. But there are times and places when it is better for everyone if we either shut up or step away. I will never accept that we should make ''speaking my truth'' a life's work. To continue speak ''my truth'' to an already hurting person is not loving and kind...it is destructive and unnecessary, especially if it was my truth that hurt them in the first place. If it really is THE truth they know it already and don't need to hear it from me, no matter how loving I might think I am being.

So, to all those who claim to want to live by this philosophy I say: sure, speak your truth if that will make you feel better.  But don't think for one minute that speaking it out loud, or acting on it, does not carry consequence. Or that the consequences (including pain inflicted on other people) are not your responsibility.

We speak our truth I think, because it suits our own needs and ends.  We might not admit it but it's true. That's MY truth.

grief and grieving

Last week I attended the funeral of a person I had never met.  I was there in support of the closest families members of this woman and it was a strange position to be in.

It was a sad funeral, as of course they are, not least because she was very young, and left behind a young family, but also because she came from a widespread and fairly fragmented family.  My grief was for those children in particular, who I know have a tough road ahead of them coming to terms with the loss of their mother.

Funerals are the strangest things.  A microcosm of society - people from all walks of life whom would otherwise have never met, coming together for an hour and little more.  The ''religious'' and ''non religious'' both having to make sense of the possibilities or probabilities of an afterlife, as a way of coming to terms with death.  Children who barely understand, and old people who have seen too many loved ones go before them.  People who are truly grieving and others who are barely sad at all.  

And for some strange strange reason , those who are hurting the most seem to end up comforting everyone else.  Surely the children or parents or spouse deserve the most support and yet they are the ones who do the back patting, offer the condolences and have to be the 'strong ones''.  And worse still, in some weird way, there is often an intangible competition about who is the saddest. Who misses the person most.  Who had the closest relationship to them.  Who had the most to lose.   I am not convinced that our society has this right!

But there was also a positive that showed itself at this particular funeral, and that was the level of attendance from people who barely knew, or had never met the person who died, and yet came along, as I did, to support the grieving.  What an amazing gesture, and a reminder that perhaps most people really are as decent and kind as I want to believe they are.

acts of kindness

It would seem that the cynics might be right...my conservative Christian friends believe that the world is an inherently bad place...that people are are born ...evil...or flawed...or whatever term you want to use to describe the humanness of us all.


Today I am feeling sceptical...disillusioned even.

I want to believe that the world is full of good people.  I want to believe that people are basically good.  But time after time, I put my faith in another person (perhaps that is flawed in itself) and find myself being let down.  I understand that we are not perfect  - and I certainly take no issue with the idea that as humans we are  capable, even gifted, at falling short.   But what I'm talking about here is the ability to simply be kind.  


Whether it be in word or deed, surely the world would be a better place - and we would get on a whole lot better in it - if we tempered our actions and thoughts with kindness.   When we are kind to our bodies, our environment, the people around us,  surely the knock on effect can only be positive.  And conversely, when someone is unkind to us, it is all to easy to respond the same way, creating a butterfly effect of discontent.

Words can be harsh...and needlessly so in my opinion.  I accept that many things are said from raw emotion, that often we don't think through the consequences of our words and actions before ''getting them out there'' but surely this is another good reminder of the need to think twice, act once?

I have heard way too many stories this week of real unkindness.  Meanness.  Selfishness.  Narcissism.  Misogynistic behaviour.  It grieves me deeply.

Kind words make people feel valued.  Harsh words don''t.  It's that simple.  If we live by the maxim of loving each other as we would love ourselves then I would have to ask this question:  what value do we put on ourselves when we speak unkindly to others?

Honesty is essential.  Integrity too.  And to cloak these qualities in kindness must surely be one the greatest challenges of all.