Friday, March 30, 2012

selfishness at our age


I had a conversation with a friend on the other side of the world today.  We started talking about our families and priorities as often we do.  After we'd both spent some time grizzling about what wasn't going so well she said ''oh I feel like it's all about me...I'm getting so selfish asIi get older'.

Now there's a tricky one.  As mothers, in particular, our lives are often completely focused on other people (mainly small, dependent ones).  It's hard, relentless, often thankless work.  And so when we get a precious few minutes to ourselves,especially if it's after a particularly trying day,  whether those minutes are carved out or snatched, it often is a time for some self reflection and often a good dose of sorry-for-myselfs. And then we catch ourselves and say ''oh how selfish!!''

But is it really selfish?  Is demanding some time for ''me'' selfish?  By definition (thank you www.dictionary.com!) selfish means:

1.
devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarilywith one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardlessof others.
2.
characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself: selfish motives. 

Is that all really such a bad thing?  Sure, if it were happening all the time it might be.  But I reckon for most of us, the moments of self-ish are few and far between.  We're conditioned to believe that life should be all about giving to other people and that we should put ourselves last.  Well, even Jesus took time out for himself when it all got too much.    He knew that it's important to have some SELF-care.  To look after ones own welfare before another.   

Here's what I've learned - with some knocks and scrapes to tell the story, and a fairly large dose of maturity to round it off.  Sometimes  it actually does need to be all about you.  Sometimes it's OK to throw a bit of a tantrum and demand some space.  sometimes, everything else has to come second.  And that's fine by me.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

look after yourself

As part of one of the contracts I have, each quarter I phone 30 men and women who lead groups of volunteers in church ministry.   Sometimes it's encouraging, sometimes it's hard work, and sometimes I get what appears to be a recurring theme coming out of the conversations.

That's what has happened this month.  In fact I spoke to three women in a row who told me almost an identical story:

They are all smart,  busy, with families to care for, jobs to do, and lots of commitments in their communities. They all put themselves last.  Not because they are martyrs, but because they have a genuine passion and commitment to what they do.  And all three have had serious health issues over the past few months, not least in part due to being way too busy, way too distracted, and not giving enough attention, or respect, to their own well being.

And so, the theme I keep hearing is this:  It's all very well to want to give and give to others.  But if you're not caring for yourself first you're not going to be very effective.  In fact you risk doing more damage than good, and then you'll be no good to anyone.

And the reality is, that in this world of volunteerism that we now live in, it's fairly unlikely that someone is going to tap you on the shoulder and say ''hey take a break, we can manage without you for a while''.  so it's up to ourselves, to manage the load, set some good boundaries and decide priorities.  Which includes some self care.

As my regular readers will know, I'm pretty partial to quoting lines from my favourite movies.  Actually, scratch that, I'm pretty partial to quoting a lot of lines from one of my all time favourite movies.  And all the way through PRETTY WOMAN, characters Kit and Vivien say to each other ''take care of you''.  That sums it up I reckon.

Is your life in balance?  Do you give the right things the right priorities? Has something got to give? Are you taking care of yourself?

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

emotional IQ

I belong to a women's discussion group.  It started as a bible study actually but over the past couple of years has evolved rather.  We've been meeting every week for three years and the width and breadth of conversation is vast.  There's some rules - what's said there stays there...no one is wrong...listen without judgement...be honest in opinion.

It works incredibly well and have given all of us a ''voice'' when often as full time parents/volunteers/partners/employees we do not feel our true selves are being heard or even acknowledged.

Yesterday we talked about decision making and how we spend our time.  There was much talk of how easy it is to get caught up with a cause and then discover that not only are we unable to change the issue, but that time that could have been spend well elsewhere has been gobbled up in stress and worry.

We also touched on the idea that as we get older (average age in the group is 40) we become so much better - we hope - at being able to make decisions based on a bigger picture.  The job that seemed the be-all-and-end-all at 30 is now simply a stepping stone to the future.  The study we always wanted to complete seems less, or more, important.  

We decided that the key was to identify the things that were of value. Sometimes the thing that is of value is doing nothing, or eating too much chocolate, or whiling a day away with a book.  And other times its being really focused on a task or project or cause.  What counts is giving each thing the credit it deserves.  Not feeling guilty about how much energy it takes, but also knowing when it is time to say ''enough!!"'.

Yes, it's about having the emotional intelligence to recognise what motivates us - or demotivates us.  Paralysis by analysis is rooted in fear not an inability to make decisions.  sometimes, we decided, you simply have to make a decision and go with it.  And then be brave enough to change course if it doesn't work out.  Or admit it wasn't a great decision and move on.  Or, wonder of wonders, enjoy the success of actually acting on your decisions.

Sure everything we do involves risk.  That's the trade off for stepping out and following hearts and dreams.

What decisions are you facing right now?  Are the big, important, small, still important?

Are you brave enough to feel the fear and do it anyway?

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

for the love of Books!

I remember discovering books and reading at a very young age, and being one of the regular customers at the library.  The thrill of moving from ''baby books'' to readers.  And then to the non fiction, and  Young Adults section, long before I was even close to being a Young Adult.  The Library of my childhood was a very old building with impossibly high shelves (or so it seemed to me), complete with movable ladders in the aisles.  I visited every week, and would take home a huge pile of books, always returned read from cover to cover.  I dreamed of becoming a librarian, just so I could be in there with all those books, every day.

I have been trying, with very little success, to encourage the Dancing Queen to read more.  I've tried all kinds of books.  We've bought them, borrowed them, recycled them.  I've even offered her glossy magazines.  but within a few minutes she is disinterested.  She says reading is ''boring'' and no matter what the subject, so far I have found nothing to really capture her interest.


As a consummate bookworm myself this is frustrating.  I believe in the power of books, because I love to read.  But I think for her, not helped by some literacy challenges, reading will always be a chore rather than a pleasure.  


There's a line in the movie 'Pretty Woman'' where Edward Lewis is talking about opera.  He says
"People's reactions to opera the first time they see it is very dramatic; they either love it or they hate it. If they love it, they will always love it. If they don't, they may learn to appreciate it, but it will never become part of their soul.""


Yes it's a corny quote from a corny movie.  But I think there's a kernel of truth in there.  

Monday, March 19, 2012

the cat came back

The little engineer got a cat for his birthday.  That was about 6 weeks ago, and after stressing inside for 3 days, she scarpered and was not seen for 2 weeks, other than a flash of tail leaving the food bowl.

After a couple of more weeks she could be seen at the neighbours place but was given to disappearing as soon as we got near her.

Last week she deemed it suitable to come and look for food whilst we were in the house, but was still not fussed about being touched other than a quick pat.

Finally this week she allowed me to pick her up and the children to pet her.  And tonight, wonder of wonders, she is inside for the first time.

It's a lesson in patience and trust.  A confused cat, being rehomed from city to country, took a long time to be able to trust her new environment and people.  A little boy who fell in love with her the first time he saw her, and has waited patiently every day for 6 weeks for her to come to him.

Now, she's asleep on his bunk bed.   The little engineer is beside himself with joy - finally his much wanted pet is actually his pet.

Friday, March 16, 2012

the principal principle

...or should that be the principle principal?

I've been thinking some more about the things that I think might define me as a person.  I'm often going on about Energy Integrity Kindness as being the ''three legged stool'' (to copy a currently popular facilitator-speak term).  I use these words to describe both myself - and what I think is important, and also the things I value most highly in others.

As well as that there's the words that are shaping my year this year - Boundaries, Priorities, Deliberate.   Deciding what I think is okay and how far I will go with that (or not), what's important (or not) and what I will make a balanced and purposeful effort to achieve (or not).

I've been using the word ''principle'' a lot lately too.  It all sounds a bit moral highground-like but really what I am doing is putting together my three legs, and my three year-words, and summing them up in one statement. It's more than just values, morals or beliefs, although all those things fit in there somewhere. It's about thinking and acting on the things that really matter to me, whether they fit with mainstream thinking or not.  The things that ''sit'' with me and feel right.

What words are important to you? Could you describe what is important to you in just a couple of words? Do you have boundaries already in place?  How good are you at working within them?

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

renovations

After three weeks of chaos, my renovations are almost complete.

Actually that is a vast overstatement - actually I am almost at the stage where the builder leaves, and I get in the plasterer (ick), the plumber and electrician, and start clearing up the mess in the yard.

I am really looking forward to getting my house back, that is true, but the upheaval has not been quite as awful as I thought it might have been.I have been completely impressed with all the tradesmen that have been in the house in the last few weeks.  They have (almost) always turned up on time. They get on with what has to be done.  They have cleaned up their mess at the end of each day.   Apart from the fact that I have had no kitchen, and then latterly, no toilet or bathroom, in the house, I would hardly have know they were here...


Sunday, March 11, 2012

management material

I had a catch up today with an ex-employee of mine. We've both since left the company, although she only recently, and me ten years ago, so it was interesting to compare notes about how things have changed (or not) in that time.

She commented that part of her reason for leaving was her continued dissatisfaction at being asked to do work delegated by her Manager, which was widely known to be expected to be delivered BY the manager not her direct reports.  This included a fair amount of community involvement and public speaking.  It would seem the manager never had a particular gift for this and would pass it on at every opportunity.

It got me wondering about how well businesses manage transition and change in a role, when the same people are still holding the position.  Particularly at management level when prior experience is hard to replace or acquite at short notice.    Is it fair to expect a person employed, say, to be a processor, to evolve into a salesperson?  Large businesses are particularly good at changing the key performances indicators in a job without a whole lot of thought going into whether the incumbent is actually right for the job. It creates a whole lot of work upskilling or coaching, or having to deal with an underperforming or unhappy staff member (few if any simply retrench or release the people that no longer suit).

In my years of recruitment I have always looked at ''fit'' first.  Will this person fit in to the existing team, the work environment and the customer expectation models.  Then I look at their qualifications and experience.  And one of the key attributes has got to be flexibility and openness to change - because these days, few jobs stay the same for very long.

If you are looking for staff, or are looking for a new job yourself, how flexible are you? If the role changed within a year or two, would you be able to adjust, or would you be back in the job market?

Monday, March 05, 2012

Amazing grace

From dictionary.com: 
verb (used with object)
14.
to lend or add grace to; adorn: Many fine paintings graced therooms of the house. embellish, beautify, deck,decorate, ornament; enhance, honor.  disfigure,desecrate, demean.
15.
to favor or honor: to grace an occasion with one's presence. glorify, elevate, exalt.  disrespect,dishonor.


Last year I read a book called ''What's so Amazing about Grace''.  It's written largely for a Christian audience however has life lessons that can be applied to all people. It challenged me about a lot of misconceptions I was brought up to believe, and continue to cling to,  and highlighted the fact that I am far quicker to judge or condemn than to extend grace.

By definition, grace is a beautiful thing.  It should make something better than it might have been.  It's a positive word in my view, and suggests generosity and non-judgement.  But it also says ''control'' to me.  A graceful dancer is a pleasure to watch not least because every single movement is deliberate and certain.  A gracious host shows magnanimity and kindness but within the bounds of good taste and manners.

I've had occasion recently to be in a position of having to really work hard at being gracious.  I'm having to remind myself every day that no matter how wronged I feel, it is not my job to judge someone for their actions.  To me grace is about kindness with strong boundaries.  Generosity with sane limits.  Love with out expectation, but also without martyrdom.

What does extending grace mean to you?

Thursday, March 01, 2012

Be Natural Manuka Honey and Spice clusters

I belong to a fantastic blogging community of mothers.  There's hundreds of blogs and topics and always something thought provoking to mull on.

Recently we were invited to take part in a taste test for a new cereal being launched onto the New Zealand market.

Be Natural is an Australian brand but their products sit quite nicely alongside the Kiwi counterparts on the shelf - but with some quite unique differences.

The first thing to stand out is the packaging - natural cardboard box with no gaudy colours or pictures, this looks completely different to the other cereals right off the bat.  Clearly it is designed to say ''healthy'' and environmentally friendly.  On closer inspection there's a statement on the side of the box - this is made from recycled cardboard, and the company tell us they are partnered with Landcare Australia.  I like that.

The proof is in the eating though, so I sell the idea to the chidlren that they are part of a special group of testers (not cereal eaters, my two) and they enthusiastically view the bowls in front of them, telling me it looks'' yummy''.  So far so good.

Unfortunately both children were unexcited about it after the first couple of mouthfuls - The dancing queen claiming it was too spicy (she has zero tolerance for cinnamon) and the little engineer less than thrilled with the bran flakes.  

I loved it.  It has a chai latte kind of quality that I really enjoyed (I guess that's the cardamom)  and therefore a more sophisticated flavour than most honey based cereals.  I'm not a fan of milk on cereal and so ate it fairly dry but that was fine too and it didn't stick the roof as my mouth as muesli style cereals are apt to do.

I'm also not really one for checking nutritional content on cereal - as long as it's not too sugar or salt laden I'm happy - mainly because to get any breakfast into my family is a win on the day.  That said, I was happy with the contents and liked the variety of grains on offer.  The pumpkin seeds are a nice touch too, adding a bit of colour and variety of texture.

Would I buy this again? Absolutely - and I look forward to trying another flavour in the range.

be natural cereal manuka honey



Be Natural Manuka Honey and Spice clusters

I belong to a fantastic blogging community of mothers.  There's hundreds of blogs and topics and always something thought provoking to mull on.

Recently we were invited to take part in a taste test for a new cereal being launched onto the New Zealand market.

Be Natural is an Australian brand but their products sit quite nicely alongside the Kiwi counterparts on the shelf - but with some quite unique differences.

The first thing to stand out is the packaging - natural cardboard box with no gaudy colours or pictures, this looks completely different to the other cereals right off the bat.  Clearly it is designed to say ''healthy'' and environmentally friendly.  On closer inspection there's a statement on the side of the box - this is made from recycled cardboard, and the company tell us they are partnered with Landcare Australia.  I like that.

The proof is in the eating though, so I sell the idea to the chidlren that they are part of a special group of testers (not cereal eaters, my two) and they enthusiastically view the bowls in front of them, telling me it looks'' yummy''.  So far so good.