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the mother metamorphosis

Ten signs you know you're turning into your own mother when....

- the children say they are cold and you say: put on another jumper
- you walk around the house turning off lights and muttering about the power bill
- you hear yourself saying: IF you want to talk to me, come and find me, don't shout from another room (and realise you're shouting this from another room)
- you put leftovers into the fridge in smaller and smaller containers until eventually you throw them out
- you can't leave the house  in the evening without leaving a light on for when you get home
- you get told you're the meanest mother in the world but know that actually it's not true (because that was YOUR mother)
- instead of a night out on the town all you want is to get into your pajamas and have a nice cup of tea
- you start buying home-branded things at the supermarket and informing the children that ''there's no difference so stop complaining''
-you take the children to the swimming pool and sit on the side rather than getting in with them
- you'd rather get a handmade card from your children than an expensive piece of jewellery from anyone else



Hurrah for mothers.
What can you add?

not my best mummy moment

I seem to be having quite a few of these lately.

They usually involve - or follow - a late night, a quantity of sugar food, a houseful of guests, a public outing or a combination there of.

Before I had children, I was the one who would look with disdain at people growling at their children in public.  I would confidently internalise my own response, vowing never to treat MY children in the same manner.  I would never wish for school holidays to be over, or bedtimes to be 7 pm.  I would cheerfully host a house load of other children and know that mine would happily share toys and space with nary a grizzle.

I'd never raise my voice, threaten to withdraw privileges, ban the TV or computer (as if! MY children wouldn't even be aware of such things!).  I'd make play dough, encourage painting on the deck, be thrilled with recycled box-art, enjoy the huts in the lounge made from all the clean and neatly folded sheets.  I'd make marvellous home cooked meals every night, all of which would be consumed with gusto and thanks.
My children would gladly collect their pocket money each week (after Sunday school of course), their reward for completing their jobs uncomplainingly and efficiently.

Seriously, what was I thinking!?!  Yesterday, at end of tether, I sat my 9 year old ON HER BOTTOM, ON THE FLOOR in a madly busy shopping mall for time out, having been nagged one too many times for sweets/smiggle/lemonade/money.  I don't know who was more mortified.

a decade of eventfulness

I had dinner with a group of friends tonight, all bar one of whom I have known for just a very short time.  We had a discussion along the lines of ''where were you 10 years ago''.

I realised, as I related where I had been, that it's been a pretty eventful decade, including:

- buying and selling 3 houses and building a new one
- 2 rounds of renovations
- 4 cars
- 3 pregnancies
- 2 babies
- 2 new businesses
- a new career
- established a newspaper
- started a scout group, a sunday school and a womens discussion group
- became a parent, and then a single parent, and now an effective co-parent with my FDH
- started two blogs and a website
- contracted and survived meningitis, two big operations and two cancer scares
- lost 5 close family members and gained two nephews and a sisterinlaw
- turned 40
- learned to dance, play the ukelele, do a cryptic crossword, and create an excel spreadsheet
- got quoted in the NZ Herald, interviewed by the Christchurch Press and featured in the Waikato Times
- preached a sermon, taught adult learners, and started music classes for preschoolers
- have been a corporate career woman, playcentre mother, and become self employed
- stayed in a 5 star retreat
- learned to use a chainsaw, bought a cordless drill and painted a house
- gone camping, tramping and got dirtier than I ever could have imagined I would do



I've also been blessed with an amazing circle of friends, wonderful family and two incredible kids.

Phew.

what have the last 10 years brought you?

The paper trail

In a moment of generosity and clarity, I decided that this was the week to pass on my childhood desk to my daughter.

A 'personality furniture'' kitset desk circa 1974, I remember my Dad proudly putting in up in my bedroom, and me carefully filling the drawers with paper and pencils (no felt tips back then!), my precious stapler and scissors, and a prized roll of sellotape.

I've been using it as my office desk until now, and the contents of the drawers have hardly changed.  Except that there's some felt tips in there too of course!

But as I was emptying the drawers, I came across my two precious address books - the first started when I went overseas on my own for the first time in 1986, and the second given to me when I was living in the UK.  They contain hundreds of addresses of people I met on my travels, many of whom I am still in touch with.  And that's the thing that really struck me.  The ones I keep in touch with.  No letter writing any more.  Barely even a Christmas card.  In fact, I can't even remember the last time I actually looked in the address book (which would explain why they were buried at the bottom of the desk...). And sitting with them were my wall calendars from the past three (pre-iPhone...) years.  A real life chronicle of all the activity of my family - play dates, music lessons, school interviews, family birthdays.

These days everything is electronic for me.  And I love it.  Phone numbers, appointments, photos, all straight into my phone and reminders sent to me every day instead of bits of paper.  I even use the notebook function rather than carry a pen and pad with me.

But the real versions - the ''hard copies'' just hold more emotion somehow.  And so the address books will go back in the drawer, along with the calendars, which I'm not quite ready to put into the recycle bin just yet.   Sometimes, I just miss paper....

sticking my neck out

Today I went for a massage.  It was a new experience, having only ever tried it once about 15 years ago (and hated it).  I was...slightly nervous.  Partly because I didn't really know what to expect, but also because it was being done by a friend (who is a therapist).

Now I am not one for visualisations, allegory and new age healing ideas.  But here's what happened:

H used a combination of techniques which included some foot reflexology.    As she pressed on certain parts of my feet there is no doubt it hurt - but the odd thing was that it was not a ''painful'' hurt.  Does that make sense to you?  In much the same way as we might get an injection that hurts but at a logical level we know is for the greater good, I found the discomfort an almost healing experience.  Interestingly the areas on my feet that DID hurt, did actually correspond to the parts of my body that aren't working so well right now - and certainly I understood the emotional/metaphorical significance of the pain too.

But here's the really weird bit.  As she moved up to my neck and shoulders she commented on the flexibility (or lack thereof!) in my muscles, but also that the skin on my head was quite pliable - suggesting that my brain (mind) was in good healthy order but she wondered had I been ''sticking my neck out'' too much for others.

Ouch!  That is true, so true.  And, incidentally one of the pressure points in my feet suggested that I was getting a lot of ''stuff'' heaped on me that wasn't being processed or let go.  My skepticism was starting to dissolve, and then, in a completely uncharacteristic moment, I had a really clear and strong vision of myself kneeling in front of a step, a la neck on the block.  It was the weirdest thing.  I could see myself bowing my head down, in complete trust of the person above me, believing that I was safe, but also knowing that I was risking actually having my head chopped off.  And right where that blade would have fallen was where the pain was in my shoulders.

Weird? Fanciful? A load of rubbish?  Possibly a sharp moment of insight?

What do you think?

a very Good Friday

So it's Easter, from today.  I have to admit, despite being brought up in church, living and breathing it for 40 years, in fact even working in paid ministry, I am still at a loss when asked to explain the nuances of the whole Easter thing.

I mean, of course I get that it's about the Crucifixion, the resurrection et al.  But why GOOD Friday? And how did the messages get so mixed.  Passover, the humanist spring celebration, the Christians marking Easter as the anniversary of Jesus death and subsequent rising from the dead.

Does it matter that these messages have got a bit mixed up?  As long as everyone is focussed on the things that are important to them and theirs?

Today I woke to an empty house and took in the peace.  There is hardly a soul around - I guess everyone is at the beach, making the most of a four day weekend  - and so the whole town is quiet.

I drank coffee, checked the headlines.  Had a visit from a friend.  Talked to one or two more on line.  Picked up windfall apples and feijoas.  Went to visit friends here from out of town.  Sat on the deck in the sun enjoying the beauty of this place I call home.

So far not an easter egg, or hot cross bun, as passed my lips.

I'm planning for a low key afternoon and easy dinner.

No work.  Just relaxing and enjoying the day.

Sounds like a very Good Friday to me.

trying it on

Lately I seem to have been spending a lot of time talking about self evaluation, the processes we go through as we age, and how we start to become more comfortable in our skin as we get older.

It's got a lot to do with emotional IQ i reckon (and I've already blogged on THAT a number of times) but also being brave enough to find the things in life that really ''fit'' us.  A bit like clothes, the stuff that we put on each day in order to face the world.

So, for example, we try on a particular religion or belief system.  Sometimes it fits like a glove on the first try.  other times it takes a while to feel comfortable, and other times, no matter how much we pull at it and try to adjust it ( or even suck in our wobbly bits to make it look better), it just never feels right.

Or, we test out a hobbie, or a career, or a lifestyle option that we like the look of.  Often times no matter how much will we have, it just never quite works out.

What about attitudes and values?  Have you ever tried to adopt an attitude than never quite fitted you - and it was obvious to yourself, and others that this was so?  Maybe you tried it on for a while - being more optimistic, or reserved, or self confident.  Maybe you did such a good job you managed to convince others you'd changed - in fact maybe you did.  You might have actually been able to sand off some rough edges and change yourself from the inside out.

But what of the things that you've been carrying around (wearing), for years, but still feel tight around the middle?  Are there some attitudes, or internal narratives that you need to check out in the mirror?  That are reflecting back a distorted image of the person you now are?  Maybe they need some minor alterations, or maybe they need to be discarded, just like the clothes sitting in your wardrobe, untouched and unloved - and completely wrong for you.

What are you ready to scrutinise, or send off for recycling?

your own personal governance board

There's been a lot in the media recently about governance, the role of a Board of a director, the value in having impartial but skilled people overseeing an organisation and helping to set direction as well as trouble shoot issues and potential problems.

It made me think...what if I did this in my personal life?  I mean, it's easy to ask friends and family for advice and they are usually very free and generous with it.  But I suspect that because although they have my best interests in mind, they are also invariably my cheerleaders, and focused primarily on the ''more ofs'' than the ''less ofs'' and ''differentlys''.

So how would one go about assembling such a group?  I guess it's possible to include a trusted friend or two, possibly an employer, maybe someone at my Bank (for the financials of course).  Engage a mentor for sure - in which ever area of life I feel needs attention or a little encouragement (or bullets!).   A counsellor.  A careers coach.  All these people can be part of the group that help you to define direction - not necessarily set -  They wouldn't necessarily have to meet on a regular basis like a Board does, but it could be helpful if there was some communication going on, especially if it was around a big issue.

I think it would be particularly helpful in the area of interpersonal relationships, and career.

Does this sound narcissistic?  Or does it actually make some sense?

Do you have trusted people around you to share ideas with? Do you do this for anyone else?

If you were given advice or a challenge that didn't sit well with you (but you knew might be in your best interests) what would you do?

selfishness at our age

I had a conversation with a friend on the other side of the world today.  We started talking about our families and priorities as often we do.  After we'd both spent some time grizzling about what wasn't going so well she said ''oh I feel like it's all about me...I'm getting so selfish asIi get older'.

Now there's a tricky one.  As mothers, in particular, our lives are often completely focused on other people (mainly small, dependent ones).  It's hard, relentless, often thankless work.  And so when we get a precious few minutes to ourselves,especially if it's after a particularly trying day,  whether those minutes are carved out or snatched, it often is a time for some self reflection and often a good dose of sorry-for-myselfs. And then we catch ourselves and say ''oh how selfish!!''

But is it really selfish?  Is demanding some time for ''me'' selfish?  By definition (thank you www.dictionary.com!) selfish means:

1.

devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarilywith one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardlessof others.

2.

characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself: selfish motives. 

Is that all really such a bad thing?  Sure, if it were happening all the time it might be.  But I reckon for most of us, the moments of self-ish are few and far between.  We're conditioned to believe that life should be all about giving to other people and that we should put ourselves last.  Well, even Jesus took time out for himself when it all got too much.    He knew that it's important to have some SELF-care.  To look after ones own welfare before another.   

Here's what I've learned - with some knocks and scrapes to tell the story, and a fairly large dose of maturity to round it off.  Sometimes  it actually does need to be all about you.  Sometimes it's OK to throw a bit of a tantrum and demand some space.  sometimes, everything else has to come second.  And that's fine by me.

look after yourself

As part of one of the contracts I have, each quarter I phone 30 men and women who lead groups of volunteers in church ministry.   Sometimes it's encouraging, sometimes it's hard work, and sometimes I get what appears to be a recurring theme coming out of the conversations.

That's what has happened this month.  In fact I spoke to three women in a row who told me almost an identical story:

They are all smart,  busy, with families to care for, jobs to do, and lots of commitments in their communities. They all put themselves last.  Not because they are martyrs, but because they have a genuine passion and commitment to what they do.  And all three have had serious health issues over the past few months, not least in part due to being way too busy, way too distracted, and not giving enough attention, or respect, to their own well being.

And so, the theme I keep hearing is this:  It's all very well to want to give and give to others.  But if you're not caring for yourself first you're not going to be very effective.  In fact you risk doing more damage than good, and then you'll be no good to anyone.

And the reality is, that in this world of volunteerism that we now live in, it's fairly unlikely that someone is going to tap you on the shoulder and say ''hey take a break, we can manage without you for a while''.  so it's up to ourselves, to manage the load, set some good boundaries and decide priorities.  Which includes some self care.

As my regular readers will know, I'm pretty partial to quoting lines from my favourite movies.  Actually, scratch that, I'm pretty partial to quoting a lot of lines from one of my all time favourite movies.  And all the way through PRETTY WOMAN, characters Kit and Vivien say to each other ''take care of you''.  That sums it up I reckon.

Is your life in balance?  Do you give the right things the right priorities? Has something got to give? Are you taking care of yourself?

emotional IQ

I belong to a women's discussion group.  It started as a bible study actually but over the past couple of years has evolved rather.  We've been meeting every week for three years and the width and breadth of conversation is vast.  There's some rules - what's said there stays there...no one is wrong...listen without judgement...be honest in opinion.

It works incredibly well and have given all of us a ''voice'' when often as full time parents/volunteers/partners/employees we do not feel our true selves are being heard or even acknowledged.

Yesterday we talked about decision making and how we spend our time.  There was much talk of how easy it is to get caught up with a cause and then discover that not only are we unable to change the issue, but that time that could have been spend well elsewhere has been gobbled up in stress and worry.

We also touched on the idea that as we get older (average age in the group is 40) we become so much better - we hope - at being able to make decisions based on a bigger picture.  The job that seemed the be-all-and-end-all at 30 is now simply a stepping stone to the future.  The study we always wanted to complete seems less, or more, important.  

We decided that the key was to identify the things that were of value. Sometimes the thing that is of value is doing nothing, or eating too much chocolate, or whiling a day away with a book.  And other times its being really focused on a task or project or cause.  What counts is giving each thing the credit it deserves.  Not feeling guilty about how much energy it takes, but also knowing when it is time to say ''enough!!"'.

Yes, it's about having the emotional intelligence to recognise what motivates us - or demotivates us.  Paralysis by analysis is rooted in fear not an inability to make decisions.  sometimes, we decided, you simply have to make a decision and go with it.  And then be brave enough to change course if it doesn't work out.  Or admit it wasn't a great decision and move on.  Or, wonder of wonders, enjoy the success of actually acting on your decisions.

Sure everything we do involves risk.  That's the trade off for stepping out and following hearts and dreams.

What decisions are you facing right now?  Are the big, important, small, still important?

Are you brave enough to feel the fear and do it anyway?

for the love of Books!

I remember discovering books and reading at a very young age, and being one of the regular customers at the library.  The thrill of moving from ''baby books'' to readers.  And then to the non fiction, and  Young Adults section, long before I was even close to being a Young Adult.  The Library of my childhood was a very old building with impossibly high shelves (or so it seemed to me), complete with movable ladders in the aisles.  I visited every week, and would take home a huge pile of books, always returned read from cover to cover.  I dreamed of becoming a librarian, just so I could be in there with all those books, every day.

I have been trying, with very little success, to encourage the Dancing Queen to read more.  I've tried all kinds of books.  We've bought them, borrowed them, recycled them.  I've even offered her glossy magazines.  but within a few minutes she is disinterested.  She says reading is ''boring'' and no matter what the subject, so far I have found nothing to really capture her interest.


As a consummate bookworm myself this is frustrating.  I believe in the power of books, because I love to read.  But I think for her, not helped by some literacy challenges, reading will always be a chore rather than a pleasure.  


There's a line in the movie 'Pretty Woman'' where Edward Lewis is talking about opera.  He says
"People's reactions to opera the first time they see it is very dramatic; they either love it or they hate it. If they love it, they will always love it. If they don't, they may learn to appreciate it, but it will never become part of their soul.""


Yes it's a corny quote from a corny movie.  But I think there's a kernel of truth in there.  

the cat came back

The little engineer got a cat for his birthday.  That was about 6 weeks ago, and after stressing inside for 3 days, she scarpered and was not seen for 2 weeks, other than a flash of tail leaving the food bowl.

After a couple of more weeks she could be seen at the neighbours place but was given to disappearing as soon as we got near her.

Last week she deemed it suitable to come and look for food whilst we were in the house, but was still not fussed about being touched other than a quick pat.

Finally this week she allowed me to pick her up and the children to pet her.  And tonight, wonder of wonders, she is inside for the first time.

It's a lesson in patience and trust.  A confused cat, being rehomed from city to country, took a long time to be able to trust her new environment and people.  A little boy who fell in love with her the first time he saw her, and has waited patiently every day for 6 weeks for her to come to him.

Now, she's asleep on his bunk bed.   The little engineer is beside himself with joy - finally his much wanted pet is actually his pet.

the principal principle

...or should that be the principle principal?

I've been thinking some more about the things that I think might define me as a person.  I'm often going on about Energy Integrity Kindness as being the ''three legged stool'' (to copy a currently popular facilitator-speak term).  I use these words to describe both myself - and what I think is important, and also the things I value most highly in others.

As well as that there's the words that are shaping my year this year - Boundaries, Priorities, Deliberate.   Deciding what I think is okay and how far I will go with that (or not), what's important (or not) and what I will make a balanced and purposeful effort to achieve (or not).

I've been using the word ''principle'' a lot lately too.  It all sounds a bit moral highground-like but really what I am doing is putting together my three legs, and my three year-words, and summing them up in one statement. It's more than just values, morals or beliefs, although all those things fit in there somewhere. It's about thinking and acting on the things that really matter to me, whether they fit with mainstream thinking or not.  The things that ''sit'' with me and feel right.

What words are important to you? Could you describe what is important to you in just a couple of words? Do you have boundaries already in place?  How good are you at working within them?

renovations

After three weeks of chaos, my renovations are almost complete.

Actually that is a vast overstatement - actually I am almost at the stage where the builder leaves, and I get in the plasterer (ick), the plumber and electrician, and start clearing up the mess in the yard.

I am really looking forward to getting my house back, that is true, but the upheaval has not been quite as awful as I thought it might have been.I have been completely impressed with all the tradesmen that have been in the house in the last few weeks.  They have (almost) always turned up on time. They get on with what has to be done.  They have cleaned up their mess at the end of each day.   Apart from the fact that I have had no kitchen, and then latterly, no toilet or bathroom, in the house, I would hardly have know they were here...

management material

I had a catch up today with an ex-employee of mine. We've both since left the company, although she only recently, and me ten years ago, so it was interesting to compare notes about how things have changed (or not) in that time.

She commented that part of her reason for leaving was her continued dissatisfaction at being asked to do work delegated by her Manager, which was widely known to be expected to be delivered BY the manager not her direct reports.  This included a fair amount of community involvement and public speaking.  It would seem the manager never had a particular gift for this and would pass it on at every opportunity.

It got me wondering about how well businesses manage transition and change in a role, when the same people are still holding the position.  Particularly at management level when prior experience is hard to replace or acquite at short notice.    Is it fair to expect a person employed, say, to be a processor, to evolve into a salesperson?  Large businesses are particularly good at changing the key performances indicators in a job without a whole lot of thought going into whether the incumbent is actually right for the job. It creates a whole lot of work upskilling or coaching, or having to deal with an underperforming or unhappy staff member (few if any simply retrench or release the people that no longer suit).

In my years of recruitment I have always looked at ''fit'' first.  Will this person fit in to the existing team, the work environment and the customer expectation models.  Then I look at their qualifications and experience.  And one of the key attributes has got to be flexibility and openness to change - because these days, few jobs stay the same for very long.

If you are looking for staff, or are looking for a new job yourself, how flexible are you? If the role changed within a year or two, would you be able to adjust, or would you be back in the job market?

Amazing grace

From dictionary.com: 
verb (used with object)

14.

to lend or add grace to; adorn: Many fine paintings graced therooms of the house. Synonyms: embellish, beautify, deck,decorate, ornament; enhance, honor. Antonyms:  disfigure,desecrate, demean.

15.

to favor or honor: to grace an occasion with one's presence.Synonyms:  glorify, elevate, exalt. Antonyms:  disrespect,dishonor.

Last year I read a book called ''What's so Amazing about Grace''.  It's written largely for a Christian audience however has life lessons that can be applied to all people. It challenged me about a lot of misconceptions I was brought up to believe, and continue to cling to,  and highlighted the fact that I am far quicker to judge or condemn than to extend grace.

By definition, grace is a beautiful thing.  It should make something better than it might have been.  It's a positive word in my view, and suggests generosity and non-judgement.  But it also says ''control'' to me.  A graceful dancer is a pleasure to watch not least because every single movement is deliberate and certain.  A gracious host shows magnanimity and kindness but within the bounds of good taste and manners.

I've had occasion recently to be in a position of having to really work hard at being gracious.  I'm having to remind myself every day that no matter how wronged I feel, it is not my job to judge someone for their actions.  To me grace is about kindness with strong boundaries.  Generosity with sane limits.  Love with out expectation, but also without martyrdom.

What does extending grace mean to you?

Be Natural Manuka Honey and Spice clusters

I belong to a fantastic blogging community of mothers.  There's hundreds of blogs and topics and always something thought provoking to mull on.

Recently we were invited to take part in a taste test for a new cereal being launched onto the New Zealand market.

Be Natural is an Australian brand but their products sit quite nicely alongside the Kiwi counterparts on the shelf - but with some quite unique differences.

The first thing to stand out is the packaging - natural cardboard box with no gaudy colours or pictures, this looks completely different to the other cereals right off the bat.  Clearly it is designed to say ''healthy'' and environmentally friendly.  On closer inspection there's a statement on the side of the box - this is made from recycled cardboard, and the company tell us they are partnered with Landcare Australia.  I like that.

The proof is in the eating though, so I sell the idea to the chidlren that they are part of a special group of testers (not cereal eaters, my two) and they enthusiastically view the bowls in front of them, telling me it looks'' yummy''.  So far so good.

Unfortunately both children were unexcited about it after the first couple of mouthfuls - The dancing queen claiming it was too spicy (she has zero tolerance for cinnamon) and the little engineer less than thrilled with the bran flakes.  

I loved it.  It has a chai latte kind of quality that I really enjoyed (I guess that's the cardamom)  and therefore a more sophisticated flavour than most honey based cereals.  I'm not a fan of milk on cereal and so ate it fairly dry but that was fine too and it didn't stick the roof as my mouth as muesli style cereals are apt to do.

I'm also not really one for checking nutritional content on cereal - as long as it's not too sugar or salt laden I'm happy - mainly because to get any breakfast into my family is a win on the day.  That said, I was happy with the contents and liked the variety of grains on offer.  The pumpkin seeds are a nice touch too, adding a bit of colour and variety of texture.

Would I buy this again? Absolutely - and I look forward to trying another flavour in the range.

Be Natural Manuka Honey and Spice clusters

I belong to a fantastic blogging community of mothers.  There's hundreds of blogs and topics and always something thought provoking to mull on.

Recently we were invited to take part in a taste test for a new cereal being launched onto the New Zealand market.

Be Natural is an Australian brand but their products sit quite nicely alongside the Kiwi counterparts on the shelf - but with some quite unique differences.

The first thing to stand out is the packaging - natural cardboard box with no gaudy colours or pictures, this looks completely different to the other cereals right off the bat.  Clearly it is designed to say ''healthy'' and environmentally friendly.  On closer inspection there's a statement on the side of the box - this is made from recycled cardboard, and the company tell us they are partnered with Landcare Australia.  I like that.

The proof is in the eating though, so I sell the idea to the chidlren that they are part of a special group of testers (not cereal eaters, my two) and they enthusiastically view the bowls in front of them, telling me it looks'' yummy''.  So far so good.