emotional kryptonite

  

Yesterday we had cartoons on the TV, and there was a Batman/Superman/Spiderman thing the children were watching.  My daughter commented she likes Superman - but also Hulk.  It seemed to be about being strong and brave.  So it got me to wondering about how I could relate these ''superhero'' qualities to the values and characteristics I have been trying to work on with my kids.


As I have mentioned over at my other blog as well, there's been a lot of talk at my house of late about hurt and forgiveness.  These are big concepts to grasp, especially for children. And so I had been trying to work out how to get these ideas into practical terms for my 9 year old (in particular) to understand.  We've talked about how being angry is like letting someone mean live in your head.  We've talked about how forgiving someone makes your heart feel lighter.

The superhero thing suddenly made a whole lot more sense.  And in particular I was thinking about what super-qualities might apply to anger.  There it was:  Forgiveness is like kryptonite to conquer anger.   I talked about this with my daughter last night, as she is currently wrestling with the idea of having to forgive someone who hurt her deeply as a very young child.  She says she's almost afraid to do it -  I think perhaps she feels that the anger gives her some power over her thoughts and reactions to that person.

I left the ideas with her, reassuring her that it was not something that might happen easily, and nor would the feelings magically disappear - but that by applying her ''kryptonite of forgiveness'' to the angry feelings, she could take some of the sting out of them.  She understood and promised to think about it.

Keep you posted

a right to life vs a right to death

When I was a little girl we would often go to visit some relatives who lived a couple of hours north of us, in a beautiful house filled with beautiful things.  We would hear about their latest overseas holiday (a cruise around Alaska perhaps, or a trip to Ascot to the races, or an opera in Italy).  One year my Uncle bought my Aunt a new car and it was put in the garage, completely wrapped in Christmas paper, topped with a gigantic bow.  These people had bowls of cashew nuts about for visitors - no chips and dip in this house  - and a percolator and dishwasher before anyone else we knew.  My Aunt wore gorgeous clothes, fabulous shoes and extraordinary jewellery - including a pearl necklace she had purchased in Japan, having watched a diver choose her pearls for her.  They were extraordinary hosts, holding parties and dinners for friends and family and having open homes at both their beach house and city dwelling.   As a child this life enthralled me and I loved to go and visit and soak up this excitement that was rather foreign to my own normality.

Through it all they were generous and kind relatives and when my Uncle died about 12 years ago at 80, there was much grieving.  Last year, despite vociferous complaints and heel digging, my Aunt had to concede to moving to a rest home.  The family fortune is largely gone (a long and sad story) and so she now lives in a beach side home for the infirm and elderly.  At 96 she remains medication free and incredibly healthy, although her eyesight and hearing are failing and there are times when she is less than lucid.  She remembers little from the immediate past (visitors, what was for lunch) but still has a fairly sharp mind - which is a continual frustration to her due to the eye and ear issues.

Yesterday I went to visit her.  I was, frankly, quite nervous about it.  Rest homes are not the most pleasant of places at the best of times, and so I was bracing myself for what I might find.  As I expected, the place had a kind of fading gentility about it at first glance, but was in fact quite shabby on closer look - and home to mainly infirm and largely uncommunicative geriatrics who spend their days shuffling between dining room and lounge with little conversation or activity.  The staff are mainly young, and ESL speakers, who are efficient enough but not particularly warm or nurturing.

Fortunately it was a good day for my Aunt and although there were moments when she cried and her ''timeline''was rather muddled, on the whole she seemed quite settled there (actually, perhaps RESIGNED would be a better description...).  We reminisced about some of the things I remembered from my childhood visits to her.  Like the first time I ever went to a restaurant was with her.  The gold lipstick case brought back from Japan,  I have used everyday since she gave it to me with my first lipstick at age 13.  The beach holidays.  The year my mother got horribly sunburned.  My children, my job, my house.  Her grandchildren, the business she ran with my uncle, their holidays and experiences. She admired my new shoes.  Looked closely at my iphone with fascination and had a go taking a photo with it.  We laughed and cried.

But the reality of her surroundings were that her tiny single room with barely a treasure or significant memory was a depressing place and I could feel her frustration at being one of the most active and lucid residents with hardly anyone to talk to.  This amazing woman was used to bridge, and golf, and cryptic crosswords, and intricate handicrafts.  Now she is unable to read, or listen to the radio, and can just manage a walker-assisted shuffle around the garden, and yet remains almost as sharp on the inside as she has ever been.  She talked of this, and how hard it is to feel young inside but know that your body is failing.  She told me how she wonders if God has forgotten her.  

And so when I left, promising to return, and leaving a note in her visitors book outlining my visit and what we had talked about, although I was happy to have seen her and had such a lovely time I also had an overwhelming sense of sadness.  I really am not sure that it IS fair that the amazing human body has to go through this.  I am not convinced that we should have to live out the last years of our lives without dignity, or in frustration, or simply being miserable.  It seems incredibly unfair to me that a life so well lived should have to end this way.   And that applies to aging, illness and anything else that leaves our bodies at a disconnect to our minds.

And so that of course led me to one of those ''big questions''.  How can it be that abortion is legal but euthanasia is not? That we preserve life at all costs even if the ''liv-er'' doesn't want it.  That we end up having to fill soulless old buildings with what become soul-less old people who would (in my view and often their own) be rather happier in heaven.

I think that by the time I am old and decrepit, we will be able to choose our exit place and method.  Some would say this is playing God.  I'd say it's just making a decision for our soul to meet Him sooner than our bodies might have otherwise allowed.

what's the story!?

Today I hosted a lunch for 23 business owners.  Over fantastic food (thanks to Fahrenheit Restaurant) we had the privilege of hearing the stories of 4 different entrepreneurs.

 I'd booked a Banker, a Jeweller, a personal assistant and a school principal.  The brief I had given them was to share their ''why and who'' rather than the ''what, where, and when'' of their business life.  And so the audience heard about a person who understands and is passionate about finding financial solutions, a woman who creates precious memories, someone who frees up time for others, and a man with a vision for creating a voice for young people in our community.

It was inspiring!  The ''back stories'' of how each of these people had come to their chosen professions, what motivated them, the most unusual or memorable experiences they had had, the people who influenced and challenged them - this was what made them real.  No more were these names - worse still, email addresses - on a mailing list, or a business card on the table.

This process can be applied to anyone in just about any situation, but is particularly relevant to a career, or business, or investment in social enterprise.  Understanding what makes you ''tick''  - and being able to confidently share that, in person, with others - adds an element of personality that no blog, website  or vibrant facebook page can ever match.

So what is your story? Why do you do what you do? How does this impact on what you do?  Who have you told about it?

Go ahead: make my day

After all the stress and late nights, at last the Business Awards have been and gone.  The process took, all up, abut 9 months, and culminated in a very fancy night at a very fancy venue, for 300 guests in very fancy dresses.

I didn't know any of the winners - or even the finalists - until they were announced on the night and so it was a nailbiting and exciting couple of hours - and great elation when many of the businesses I work closely with were given awards.

And, as always there were a number of businesses and individuals who didn't make it into the top two or three.  For them I was disappointed - partly because every one wants to win on the night don't they? - and also because there were a few that I felt were extremely deserving.  To those businesses I offer both condolences and encouragement that they will enter again next year.

I wonder...as a society, do we do well at recognising excellence? Are we good at celebrating success?
Sure, there are amazing events like the Olympics, and grand ceremonies such as these Business Awards held all over the country - but I would suggest that on a day to day kind of basis, we are not so good at giving praise or honouring those that excel.

When was the last time you offered positive feedback to someone?  When did you last send a letter - an email or text even - to a business that gave you great service?  Do you make a habit of thanking people for what they do for you?

We are pretty good at telling our kids that they are terrific.  Most of us do an 'okay'' job at giving positive feedback to friends and partners.  But in the wider community, I'd suggest not so much.  Sometimes it can take a whole lot of of your own effort to acknowledge someone Else's effort.  But a simple 'well done'', especially if its in writing can really make a persons day.  Given to someones boss or their colleague, can have a real impact on a persons performance.

My challenge to you is this:  next time you receive great service in a store, or notice an educator going the extra mile for your child, or see a friend go ''above and beyond'', tell them.  Write it down.  Buy them a card.    Make their day.

belief versus action: beyond thought and deed

As human beings we often define ourselves by what we believe - spiritual beliefs (I'm a Christian, I'm an atheist), or values (I'm honest, I'm hardworking) - or we use adjectives based on how we see that we fit in the world (I'm a mother, I'm a salesman, I'm a greenie).

My thoughts today are following on from my post on integrity (read it here).

This week I delivered a workshop on strategic planning, and finding some correlation between what a business owner needs to define for the long term goals of their business AND how that fits with their own personal goals.  I used the example of how I decided that in 2011 I wanted to learn how to spin wool.  I visualised myself sitting in my living room, spinning wool whilst my handmade bread dough was rising,  looking out on my flourishing vege garden, and generally being an earth mother.  What I hadn't considered was that the reality of bags of wool everywhere, and the time required to make the dough - and the effort the garden was going to take...none of which I had the inclination to enjoy.

So whilst I wanted to BELIEVE that I was an earth mother at heart, the reality is that I don't really have the follow through.  Now this is a simplistic example I know, but I do think it can be translated into lots of different areas of life.

You might believe that you are a great business leader.  Or you might want to be come one.  So what are you doing to make that happen? Is it a realistic goal when lined up with the rest of your life?

You might want to be really fit and healthy.  That's a great goal and attitude.  But do you really want to put in the time and commitment to be that fit and healthy person?  And if not, is hanging on to the idea helping or hindering you to achieve other goals?

Do you have a vision of the person you want to be, or are already?  Does what you believe match what you do?  Why or why not?

when men were men and sheep were scared

I've been following a humourous Facebook thread today about ''what makes a man manly''.  There was a bit of a list put up by the person who started the thread, which included stuff like beer and fishing and rock music.  I added in mowing lawns and bathing regularly.

There have been one or two who have been offended by the comments - declaring them gender neutral or sexist.

I think in our heart of hearts most people have a fairly defined view of what a mans role and a womans role is in life, and where we fit.  Personally I think this is probably a good thing - after all the world has survived rather well for the past 5000 years based on these general kind of values and suppositions.

But MANLY? What does this mean to you?  Conversely, what is WOMANLY.  Most people, I think would say that a manly man is the guy who does things that are masculine (as mentioned above), and the womanly woman is soft and curvy and feminine - not too much room for cross over there.  Others would say that the manly man is the one who is comfortable carrying out tasks traditionally done by women (am I brave enough to say....hanging out the washing, changing nappies, child rearing), and yes I think it unlikely that one would describe a huntin'fishin' whisky drinking woman is ''womanly''.

Drilling down further we describe 'boyish'' as the guy who is young at heart, or in looks.  And girlish tends to be overly feminine, giggly or childlike.

To me, womanly means being proud of my gender. Being glad to be feminine but also having some backbone.  Not being too proud to ask for help with things I can't do myself.  Allowing men to be men.

And, 'Manly'' means the guy who is comfortable in his own skin - whether thats gutting a fish or changing a nappie is irrelevant.

your thoughts?

the wave of success

This week I have been very busy with planning for our regional Business Excellence Awards.  I've been dealing with printers, judges, entrants, and now that the actual application process is finished, we are encouraging people to start buying their tickets for our Awards night dinner.  I also had my monthly newspaper column published this week, where there is a real focus on strengthening business and ''growing success''.


So today, when I bumped into a client and the conversation turned, as it usually does, to the economy and the general business climate in our town, I was in sales mode, doing all I could to sound positive about the growth and excitement I'm trying to engender in our retail sector.  I was, effectively, flying the flag of business success, - with plenty of extra spin - and not in just a little way!

There were others around that could hear the conversation and she nodded and made encouraging noises about her own business - that is until we had walked out of earshot of the audience.  And then I heard the real story.  Business was tough. Their main competitor has closed down.  They are working very hard to keep the business bouyant but every day is a struggle.

It was another great example of how we tend to ''keep up appearances'' for those around us.  And this is wider than just business.  But the thing that really struck me was a comment she made about the Awards.  ''the thing is that the success being celebrated at the Awards is now our success'' she said. "Our success is that we are still in business, and only just".

So the question today is: how do you measure success? Is it based on the perceived outputs and outcomes of others? Do you have a plan in place to measure yourself against?  Is success a tangible thing, or a feeling?  Is success simply not failing - or should it be more than that?

Here's some food for thought, and I'd welcome your responses

I've failed over and over and over again in my life 

and that is why I succeed.

Michael Jordan

In order to succeed, your desire for success 

should be greater than your fear of failure.

Bill Cosby

One secret of success in life is for a man to be 

ready for his opportunity when it comes.

Benjamin Disraeli

Success consists of going from failure to failure 

without loss of enthusiasm.

Winston Churchill

I'm too busy

How many times have you said that this week?

It might have been when you were asked how your week was going - oh! so busy. Or when your were asked to take on a role at  the school/church/soccer - Look I''d love to but I'm just so busy.  


Do you enjoy being busy?  Do you work well when you have a dozen things on your plate?  What constitutes busy for you? Work - play - kids stuff - housework and gardening?


So here's a tough question for you:
Are you really that busy?  And if so, why is that?  I wonder when busy became this normal state of mind.

I'm pretty sure my own mother didn't complain (if that's the correct word) about being busy.  She just did what she had to do each day and that was that.  I don't doubt her life was busy, and in many ways more than mine, in that there was no automatic washing machine, dishwasher, slow cooker to chug away while she did other chores.  She didn't have a car so it took longer to get anywhere.  My brother and I had a lot of after school activities so there was plenty of running around, and the consequent committee meetings and parent help duties to fulfil. She sewed and knits and preserved.  Those things certainly kept her busy (idle hands and all that!) but I doubt she considered this stressful work.

That's the difference I think.  In our society we all too readily equate 'busy'' with ''stressed''.  And we also seem to use ''busy'' as a euphemism for ''I don't want to'', perhaps because it sounds more worthy?

Certainly I have a busy life.  The usual stuff.  But I also think I have plenty of down time.  And whilst I might ''keep myself busy'' ironing while I watch the television, or sorting photographs, or pottering in the garden, I don't consider these things as part of busy-ness, mainly because I would argue they are all by choice.  Kids stuff, yes, that can be busy.  But there's an easy out as far as I can see.  It's a little word called NO.  So when the children ask to do a sport, an instrument a hobbie and whatever else, I say no.  I don't think it will damage them not to start team sports until their older.  It won't hurt them not to be rushing off to some kind of self-betterment three days a week.  And it certainly won't kill them to have to play at home and not at a friends after school.

So my challenge to you, and to me, is this:  next time you are asked how you are, don't respond with ''busy''.  Next time you're asked a favour, and you don't want to do it, don't use the ''busy'' excuse.  And think about how you are actually spending your time.  Are you busy because you want to be?  And if not, what could you stop doing?

Take the day off!

I took the day off today.

Correction, I raced out the door, on time, did some errands, had a business meeting for one contract, whizzed back to the office (where I work for a different organisation)  for a while, and am now sitting at my work laptop - scooped up from the first office -  until my children return from a dinner out.

But it felt like a day off.  Interspersed with all that I had tea in a cafe, bought a new shirt and a handbag, wandered around a mall, caught up with a friend at her house, watched Masterchef.

The work is still there, absolutely.  The in boxes on both computers are full and there's a long to do list on both desks.  I have two days ahead of back to back meetings and so I will be paying for this apparent lapse in productivity tomorrow and the next day.

But it was so worth it.  It was a full and busy day, but not frantic.  I didn't breath work, as I have done for days - no make that months.  It felt delightfully naughty being at a shopping mall mid week.  I liked feeling like I was being a truant even though it was only for a few hours.

Do you ever have times when you just want to shut down the computer and get outside? Or go shopping?  Or hide with a book?

I'd argue - and I'd support a hardworking employee who agreed - that sometimes, the right thing to do is to stop.  Just for a few hours.  Regroup.  Re prioritise.

Take the day off.

somethings gotta give

May was a month of decisions for me, especially relating to my work/professional life.  After spending almost a year juggling 5 contracts with 5 different organisations - the theory being that I could fit all those obligations around my children more easily than I could a ''full time'' job,  I came to the conclusion that something had to give.

I like to be busy really I do, but things had gotten crazy.  Add in after school activities like swimming and dancing, and not helped by the end of daylight saving, I was absolutely sick of having to push kids out the door in the morning, and often be arriving home in the dark- and sometime having to go back out again for meetings more than one evening a week.  My own interests started taking a back seat - to the extent that I had almost lost interest in the things that were once my passions.

And so, not without sadness,  I resigned from one contract at the beginning of May, and from two others at the end of the month.  It was in some ways a scary decision - not least because of the significant drop in income this will mean for me - and in others so easy.  The appeal of working for one organisation (currently two but I'm working on that!) far outweighed the cons of holding lots of different contracts.  I'm hopeful that I will now have the time - and mind space - to focus on growing my main job more meaningfully, and with any luck make more money that I was before too.

I have also given notice to a community group I have been involved in the leadership of for 7 years.  That was a tough one, and I am still feeling quite conflicted about leaving for a number of reasons.  My contribution is a vital part of the groups success (sounds bold but it's the truth), I really love what I do there, and I see a real need in our community for what we do.  But, it's another day a week that I am committed to non-income earning activity, and the time has come to rationalise that.

In terms of my own career path and goals,  I need to be focused and ensure that my time is being spent in the right places and with the right people.   I'm enjoying going to events I once would never have even known about - even though I can't abide small talk I'm getting better at it.  I am getting to shape my own role and see some good outcomes from my efforts.


I'm hoping that this redefinition will make me a better mother, a better employee, a better boss, a better person.  Time will tell.

Do you ever feel like you are burning the candle at both ends, and sometimes in the middle as well?  What do you do about it?

blow your own trumpet!

The latest in a series designed to help you get the most out of your business.

Let's talk about why you need to tell others how great your business actually is.

small talk and the art of conversation

I am currently working in a (great) job that largely entails talking to people.  I get to attend forums and presentation by amazing people, be part of challenging conversations, and also teach others about aspects of business and leadership.

But here's my secret - well it was until now!  I loathe small talk.  I'm simply not very good at it, and my ''results based'' personality is completely at odds with chat about the weather, the short what-do-you-do kind of conversations that invariably fill the first half an hour of a networking function, and the kind of talk that is required when sitting at a table with a group of strangers.

I've been doing this kind of work for the best part of 20 years, and yet still I struggle to cope with this stuff.  And yet I teach people how to do it effectively!  If there's a purpose to the gathering - and therefore a subject to kick off the conversation with, then I can do that well.  If it's a planned meeting with someone I've never met before I have a few stock topics to fall back on.  But to strike up with a stranger that I know I am unlikely to ever see again, well that fills me with dread.

How about you?  Are you good at idle chat?  Do you see value in ''small talk'' or do you tend to leap right in to serious discussion?  How is this received?

the public face - part 2

In my last blog I talked about the ease with which we can create a public persona - essentially hiding the real us from the world, either purposefully or inadvertently.

Today on Facebook (my favourite place to guess which face my ''friends'' are showing to the world...), I have been part of a thread which asks What are the three most important things you want to accomplish in the next 5 years?

There have been lots of interesting responses - some pipe dreams, some big hairy audacious goals, and some fairly general, pedestrian kind of plans. My response was this: 

The three I might consider important enough to share with 2933 strangers is not necessarily the three most important that are in my journal (or on my blog;)) 

Because this is a page that several thousand people could potentially contribute to, I am on one level less than enthusiastic about sharing my life dreams. On the other hand, i wonder, would putting them out there for such a large audience make me feel more accountable?

I have decided it would not. The dreams, the PLANS that I have for myself - and in particular those I which to achieve in the short term (5 years or less) are not really for public consumption. Sure there are some that I will need plenty of support for, and to that end I may well need to share them with a wider audience. But the others - they're the the ones that are most important to me are also most likely the ones most difficult to achieve - and so I think I prefer to keep those to myself.

The funny thing about a blog is that it feels like relative anonymity - writing for myself, posting it to a world of strangers, and possibly a few people I know. In fact to share a dream here feels way less scary than sharing it on Facebook where someone I know would surely read it. At the beginning of each year I make myself a ''to-do'' list...all kinds of things from small to audacious, but hopefully achievable, and this year I shared it with my real life friends, as well as on here. But they were pretty general things, nothing too personal, and certainly nothing I would be ashamed to not actually get ticked off this list. 

For all that though, I do like to think I am the same person inside and out, public and private - even if some things are better not shared or broadcasted, and so for my own amusement (and possibly yours...) here's a list of 16 things I'd like to achieve in the next five years - some sooner, some later - and some that are about to get their first public outing

- fall in love (with someone who falls in love back)

- have a regular column in a magazine, or syndicated in a newspaper (maybe grow my blog to something real)

- finally get on with some (real) tertiary study (might need a scholarship too...)

- become a Director of a Board of a large NFP or private sector organisation (in a paid capacity)

- successfully negotiate my daughter to teenage-hood (help welcome)

- have (at least) a weekend in a completely luxurious, outrageously expensive hotel or lodge (like the ones in Conde'Nast)

- be part of a flash mob (dancing)

- eat at the three ''must go to'' restaurants on my wish list: Chim Choo Ree, Huhu, The French Cafe (because I can)

- make a dent in my mortgage (even 10% would be good)

- own a car less than 10 years old (An Alfa Romeo please)

- learn to play golf (simply because I've never even tried it)

- go back to Japan (before I completely forget the language)

- to do a silent retreat/meditation thing (even just half a day)

- learn to make cheese

- be part of a pub quiz team

- get a full nights sleep (even one would be nice....)

What are your goals for the next 5 years? Are you brave enough to share them with the world?

the public face

As part of my current job, I am required to keep the paper supplied with press releases about various goings-on about town, and I also have a full page each month for my organisation.

Sometimes it can be a challenge to find something that is ''newsworthy'' enough for the paper to pick up.  There's a fine line between advertorial and a story.  I'm very lucky in that the Editor is most obliging and rarely changes the copy I send it, but this is also on the understanding that what I provide is of a certain calibre and style.  And as a result of doing this regularly, I have developed my own ''voice'', which means everything I write is fairly easily identified as mine (much like this blog...)

Recently I was interviewed on video for a project being completed about the top 100 places around our region.   As a result of that interview I was then approached about being profiled in the regional newspaper. It was great - I got a photo shoot (a good excuse to buy some new clothes) and the article went in to the Saturday paper where I was shown in full technicolour along side my interview.  The fun really began when my friends and colleagues opened the paper and saw me - the phone started at 8 am and I'm still getting copies in my letter box 5 days later.  The thrill of being famous for a day - just as Andy Warhol described!

But here's the interesting thing...as I read through my article, my first thought was Wow! she sounds fabulous:).  It actually took a few minutes to reconcile that it was about me!  Which made me think about how easy it is to portray one thing to the world and so easily be another in private.

I value the idea of being ''the same to everyone''.  It's that integrity thing I often speak of.  And I'd like to think that in my writing style this personality - and the values that sit within that - are reflected and consistent.

So here's the question for you to ponder this week:

Do you have  a 'voice'' that reflects the real you?  Do you have a public persona? Does it match who you are in private?  Why or why not?

viva la cliche!: if you do what you've always done....

It occurred to me as I considered the topic for todays blog, that much of what I write about is the frustrations of daily life - that is, the same actions, the same activities, the same outcomes.

And even though my work as a coach is about pushing encouraging people to think and act in different ways, in order to get better results, the majority of us plod through life largely doing the same thing, day in day out, and often getting frustrated at the way things are turning out.

So the cliche ''if you do what you've always done you'll get what you've always got'' has never rung more true.  The reality of life is that we ARE in routine and we ARE creatures of habit.  It's really easy to get cross about that - to feel bored, or irritated or impatient with those routines.

But what if?  What if you applied some fresh perspective to those same routines and outcomes?  Like...

- the same morning routine means at the very least you get to work on time

- having a basic repertoire of recipes means you can whip up a great meal at a moments notice

- using the same route to get to and from work each days means you know where the roadblocks, traffic jams and stop signs are

- wearing a tried and true style of clothing means you can leave the house always feeling confident about how you look

- shopping in the same supermarket/butchery/bookshop means not only knowing your way around (saving time and stress) but an opportunity to support a particular business and get to know it's owners (thus growing better goodwill all round).

Sure there are times when stepping out of such comfort zones is indeed a good thing, and there are times when change is imperative - for example when your health requires it - but don't be too hard on routine either.

i know you can hear me but are you listening?

As per a previous blog, I spoke of my daughter who can chronic sleeplessness.
It's been making all of us grumpy, and stressed, and frustrated.

This week she had a ''bit of a cough''.  Becuase she is prone to expanding her reality I was unsure if this was simply a tickle in her throat or the start of something more, so I carefully indulged with backrubs and so on, but tried to make light of it.

Anyway, as Murphy's law so often applies, it turned into a temperature and start of an infection.  She also had what appeared to be a minor asthma attack in the night - scary but managed by a friends inhaler.

I rang the Doctors surgery and was unable to see the regular Doctor but was offered an appointment with another, whom I have seen occasionally but don't know terribly well.  By the time the appointment rolled around she seemed a little better but I figured I would go anyway, and went in with a list of ailments and challenges for him.  I was fully prepared fro the ''there there'' approach as has happened so often before.

Anyway, imagine my amazement, when as I listed off my concerns, I was met with ''yes i can sort that'' for every single one of them.

The Doctor seemed in no hurry to push me out of the surgery, in fact, went far and beyond the 10 minutes usually allotted and beseeched me to return in a month if I was still not happy.

Aside from the $100 on fees and medications (inhaler, antibiotics, a footstrap for a recurring injury, referral to a specialist, pamol, melatonin tablets, some practical suggestions), this was probably the best experience of my week,

A professional who gave me more than the time of day, who really listened to my concerns (and hers) and acted on them.   I felt that this time I had truly been LISTENED to, rather than simply filling air with noise and response.  He engaged with me, he validated our concerns and he ACTED on them.

The reaction of my daughter was incredible.  She too felt relaxed and calm as we left, and as owner of an inhaler and footstrap, also empowered to deal with some of this herself.

What a difference a truly listening ear makes.


p.s. she was asleep in 5 minutes after lights out for the first time in 9 years....

winding down

A departure today, from my usual rantings of life.

I am the proud parent of a tween.  She is full of life - irrepressible, energetic and vivacious.  More is more for this kid, whether it's bling on her clothes, the volume of her stereo, or the number of lollies she thinks she can sneak when I'm not looking.

There's a slight downside to this hurricane of amazingness that is my daughter.  And that is that she can't get to sleep easily.  Every night, like the plot of a bad sitcom, we go through the same routine.  I set the deadline, we have hugs, kisses, prayers, ''çhat'', ''girl time'', quiet reading time, you name it, and it takes her at least an hour, and usually more to settle.

No amount of begging, pleading, cajoling or threatening makes the slightest bit of difference.  From time to time she will despair that she is unable to go to sleep, claiming that she wants to but her eyes/brain/body won't let her.  And, it must be said, by 9.30 or more at night, my patience begins to wear extremely thin, especially night after night after night.

Her diet, routine, evening activity and so on, do not seem to have an effect either way on her ability to relax.  Once asleep she usually is out to it for around 10 or 11 hours, so I know that she is not a child who simply needs less sleep than most.

 And so, today, a plea for help.  Has anyone else had this challenge?  You will know if you've been a reader of this blog for a while that sleeplessness runs in the family, so that is an added hurdle, but i could really use some fresh ideas here.

Your thoughts?

listen to the book...

product review: Mr Muscle Shower Clean

When I did my renovations earlier this year, I had a shower installed in the bathroom - having only had a tired and relatively ineffective over-bath one for 4 years this has been a revelation.  I bought an expensive one (over $1000) with easily removable curved doors designed for easy cleaning.

I HATE cleaning a shower.  It never seems to look quite perfect and being in the unit with the smell of cleaner is vile. Nothing ever works as well as it promises does it?  So when I discovered this product I was sceptical.  Never scrub again? Really?

Anyway, as per the instructions I cleaned the shower top to bottom and now dutifully spray this on the wet walls after every shower.  And I really cant believe it but it actually works.

I've been using it for a month now and the shower still looks like new.  No streaks, no soapy residue on the walls or glass.  It smells ok and doesn't make me lightheaded with fumes.  According to the back of the bottle, this one will last me about 4 weeks.  I spray once a day and I'm not even half way through it, so at $4 for 750ml its a bargain too.

I have tried other brands with less success, and whilst I agree it's early days, I'm quietly confident.

Finally, a cleaning product I would actually recommend.

reflections on leadership vs management

yesterday I had the priviledge of attending a full day of discussion on leadership, hosted by the Waikato Management School.

The University has a real focus within the management school on ''leadership'' as the star quality required for business success.  We heard from Jenny Shipley (a compelling speaker who gave some really practical takeaways), Ray Avery (NZer of the year, what a guy!), and Graham Henry (who spoke of the 'team'' aspect of leadership

I spent much of the day furiously writing notes, and trying to absorb all they had to say.  Here's some of the key points I came away with

- sometimes we need to hit rock bottom to have an ''aha'' moment and be galvanised into taking the lead on a project
- when someone says IT CANT BE DONE, the response should be: OK so how do we do it then
- the importance of a supportive partner/wife/husband cannot be underestimated. Great leaders need this.
- leaders are the ones who say ''i can make this happen'' rather than ''someone should do something about that''
- a good leader empowers their team - every person in the team is a leader in some way and needs to be supported in to being the best they can
- leadership evolves and sometimes admitting mistakes, or becoming more flexible is better than having a specific style
- leader have commitment, courage,  and curiosity (I'll vlog on this bit another time).
- leaders are the ones who create the vision that allows other people to manage the outcomes

An inspiring day, which left me wondering, if leadership is where it's at, why is the WMS not called the Waikato Leadership School....

a trouble shared

Isn't it great to have friends to tell ''stuff'' to?  To be able to share a worry (or a triumph) with someone can be the difference between a bad day and a good day.

People tell me stuff.  And most of the time I am absolutely stoked to be able to listen, and when asked, offer an opinion.  But sometimes it's simply not a good time.  And I find myself becoming bogged down by the sadness or troubles of others.  And I'm guilty of doing it the other way too - I am the first to admit that there have been times that I have unloaded MY stuff on to a friend without really considering if it was good timing, or appropriate.

Of course the true friend will almost always be a willing listener, advocate or cheerleader.  That's what being a friend is.  But isn't it easy to forget that they might have their own stuff going on that is just as important, or worrying?  And the other consideration is that sometimes in sharing your trouble, you might just be doubling it - by confessing something that's really big, it might make you feel better, but you might just also be then adding that burden to someone elses worry pile.

So here's a challenge for you - next time you've got something you just have to get off your chest, or a problem that just needs a second opinion ask your confessor if it's ok to spill first.