Life love and leadership - lessons in balance and priority

I have recently embarked on a twelve month course of study at Waikato Management School, and am incredibly lucky to have been offered a scholarship for the whole programme. Following an inspiring introduction evening two weeks ago, I am now in the middle of the first four day 'residential', joining with 19 other leaders evenly split between the 'for profit' and 'for purpose' worlds.

I had some expectation that there would be lots of talk about leadership styles, group dynamics and practical ways to make me a better leader. The first exercise (undertaken a couple of months ago) included a LOT of self evaluation, and a 360 feedback which, although largely positive, had delivered back some (in my view) scorching criticism of my style (read: personality) and I am still smarting from it.  Demanding, impatient, unable to share, over burdened, untrustworthy, single minded and ambitious? Moi??? (ok so no one actually said that verbatim, but as my own worst critic, that's what I interpreted...) - and in fact there was even a session today on not being hard on oneself (point noted)

Anyhoo, the last two days have been delivered by an amazing man, Dr Peter Cammock who has somewhat rocked my world about what being a good leader is actually about.  In fact, there's been almost no discussion about leading OTHERS at all, and the first two days have had a strong focus on the inner self, leading oneself, and concepts like Flow, positive psychology, and understanding the real impact and implications of pessimism and optimism in relation to the question 'are you happy'.  There was lots of  talk about work life balance, and where the overlaps are, should be, and shouldn't be.  We've even done a fair bit of work on mindfulness and practised meditation.

I've been madly scribbling down notes, but also spending a lot of time just listening and letting the information wash (deluge!) over me, and as well as being valuable time out from normal life, I've also had to address a few things that have been niggling me, in relation to my work life. All good stuff!

I've worked out what motivates me (I love to connect people, and I like to be feeling like I'm making a difference), I have identified people who I admire and who have influenced me and why (a raft, but the common threads are their ability to inspire, and also at a personal level those who have given me freedom to be myself, without judging, and those who exude positivity).

I've been particularly struck by the concept of  hedonic adaptation - the idea that even when amazing things happen, eventually we return to the same levels of happiness that were there before the amazing thing - essentially that the highs and lows of life even out over the big picture, but also that this can be the curse of the easily bored - the high of the new can only make one happy for a certain length of time if one is not happy in the first place (current research suggests it can last up to about a year).  A good lesson if I'm thinking about getting bored in a job, or any other pursuit for that matter.

But what has really resonated with me is the idea of life 'opening up' when we are on the right path. All those things like mindfulness, and positive psychology and so on, really are about being settled in myself as a person, knowing who I am and what I want, before I can even consider anything else - essentially being my own leader before I lead anyone else.  I love the idea of a calling, finding a purpose, understanding my place in the world (also all part of to days discussion), and I was really intrigued by the idea that if we don't follow the path that is destined for us (the modern, business friendly term is emergence apparently) that this can explain why so often we never quite feel 'on track', or worse, life seems to be constantly trying to make things difficult for us.  There was discussion about whether every had a calling, and if so, do the distractions and obstructions mean we are not listening to that calling, or simply are not yet aware of it (which makes sense in view of when things just don't seem to be going well day in day out, but also goes some way to explaining those times when life is sweet. Although one wonders - when it goes from great to bad, is that because we got off course (either deliberately or not), or is it simply 'bad luck'? A post for another time perhaps.

All in all, I'm really enjoying the brain gym, the opportunity to meet new yet like minded people, and the pure pleasure of discussion, learning and questioning.  Its hard but its fun.
And finally, my favourite quote of the time so far , which is related to working on my strengths to make then stronger for 80% of the time, and not trying to over focus on, or eliminate my weaknesses (cos that's impossible):
You'll never be great by being barely adequate at what you're currently crap at. 
CELF leadership presenter Dr Peter Cammock.

Why your husband needs to have a midlife crisis (Guest blog)

A midlife crisis is a great thing and it’s about time we celebrated it!

For too long the midlife crisis has been confined to cliche reasons for 50 year old guys having an affair with a 24 year old, buying a sports car, or deserting a relationship with no hint or warning.  Sure, these symptoms can have something to do with it, but maybe if we celebrated the crisis a bit earlier on, it might not result in destructive behaviour.

Look around at our planet and you’ll see that life is about growth, adaptation, nourishing the new, transitioning, and celebrating the things that have thrived through the seasons and turmoil.  There’s simply nothing that doesn’t change.     Sadly, so many people get to their 40s and 50s and inadvertently put growth on hold.  Sure, we all understand the pressures and commitments of mortgages, kids, jobs and visiting Aunt Daisy on Sunday afternoon when you could actually be snoozing on the couch. But we are designed to grow, to learn new things, to develop, to push ourselves, to adapt, to live with a sense of purpose and ultimately help make this World a better place?

Disclaimer: I’m not suggesting we quit our job, smoke weed and live off the local food bank either.

But here’s the thing: A midlife crisis creeps up and confronts us when we suppress the natural stimulus within to keep growing and continue the journey towards being the person we really want to be.  

Take the test to see if you’re in a midlife crisis. 

Of course, there’s times in life where we’re not afforded the luxury to just stop, focus on the big picture and contemplate World Peace, but if we put on hold who we really are for too long in the name of sacrifice and compromise we start to live a lie.  We are not being true to our own self.

We suppress who we really are and pretend to be someone we’re not.  Added to this, is the underlying and subconscious pressure from our nearest and dearest to keep the good times for them rolling.  Of course they’re actually enjoying life – they love the stability, fun times with friends, growing older and simply being ‘normal’ like everyone else.  How indulgent for us to contemplate destroying their happy bliss and start to think about who we’d really like to become? 

Herein lies the seeds of confusion and the tension between the two worlds fighting to ensnare us into their gravitational pull.   But what if ‘normal’ isn’t who we are?  What if we’re suppressing who we are for the sake of our family and our own fears around growth and change?  What if it’s too scary to do what we really want?  What if we actually don’t believe in ourselves or our ability to take a risk?  What if there are dreams and desires deep down that are unfulfilled and we see no way of ever achieving those?  

Let the frustration and discontentment begin!  

Added to this our 40s and 50s are a time when a number of truths confront us:

1.     Time is running out – if I don’t pluck up the courage, face the fear and chart a course to become the person I’m meant to be soon, I’ll never do it.  Endless time is no longer available.  But I’m paralysed by fear, and too many other things haven’t worked.  I’m trapped.

2.     The goal posts are moving – our dreams and desires of our 20s and 30s don’t have the same pulling power as before.  Our desires change.  Being a slave to a job we don’t enjoy for the sake of providing and buying the nice house isn’t exciting anymore …. I want to have purpose in what I’m doing.  I don’t want to spend the rest of my life unfulfilled.

3.       Unfulfilled dreams - we didn’t become CEO of that Global corporation.  Far from it, we’re stuck in middle management fighting insecure and political managers dealing with their own issues.  My Husband or Wife has disappointed me – they don’t meet my needs and haven’t grown into the person I dreamt of them becoming.  Life is hard, we’ve had some unfortunate situations and life just seems like a dark tunnel with no light at the end.

Here’s the thing – it’s not all about the rash big decision to solve the issues …. ditch the Husband or Wife, buy the Porsche, buy more shoes, have an affair, become a hippy or bury yourself in more work to get rid of the feelings inside.  Quite the opposite in fact.  Firstly it’s about understanding what’s going on so you can start a journey.  Then, look at the many options you’ve got and understand deep down inside who you really are, your values, and what type of life, roles and responsibilities are aligned with who you are and make a plan.  What do you need to do to transition out of and away from and what do you need to move towards?  Who do you really want to be in five years’ time is the question, not what do you want to have?

Click here if you’d like some proven coaching techniques to help understand how to get more alignment in your life.

You’ve all heard about the Chinese characters that make up the word ‘crisis’ – danger and opportunity.  I think this definition is so apt for those of us in our 40s and 50s.   A midlife crisis is actually life nudging you to re-evaluate, take stock and ask yourself who you’d really like to become.  What needs to change?  Is fear holding me back?  Have I been able to discuss this with my spouse or partner, and how can our lives together be much more enriched by making a slow transition? (Rather than letting the pressure build up inside and then a rash decision that could cost you your marriage, finances, job and happy future together).

Okay, so it’s not always as easy as that, but there’s a fight taking place inside you or your partner’s head and heart.  This crisis is actually life pulling you forward.  It’s an opportunity to step up and be the person the World is waiting for you to become.

For help on transitioning to the next phase, or if you want to take our free midlife crisis test  (http://site.midlifegps.net/midlife-crisis-test) simply click on these links or visit us at midlifegps.net.

I'm too busy

How many times have you said that this week?

It might have been when you were asked how your week was going - oh! so busy. Or when your were asked to take on a role at  the school/church/soccer - Look I''d love to but I'm just so busy.  


Do you enjoy being busy?  Do you work well when you have a dozen things on your plate?  What constitutes busy for you? Work - play - kids stuff - housework and gardening?


So here's a tough question for you:
Are you really that busy?  And if so, why is that?  I wonder when busy became this normal state of mind.

I'm pretty sure my own mother didn't complain (if that's the correct word) about being busy.  She just did what she had to do each day and that was that.  I don't doubt her life was busy, and in many ways more than mine, in that there was no automatic washing machine, dishwasher, slow cooker to chug away while she did other chores.  She didn't have a car so it took longer to get anywhere.  My brother and I had a lot of after school activities so there was plenty of running around, and the consequent committee meetings and parent help duties to fulfil. She sewed and knits and preserved.  Those things certainly kept her busy (idle hands and all that!) but I doubt she considered this stressful work.

That's the difference I think.  In our society we all too readily equate 'busy'' with ''stressed''.  And we also seem to use ''busy'' as a euphemism for ''I don't want to'', perhaps because it sounds more worthy?

Certainly I have a busy life.  The usual stuff.  But I also think I have plenty of down time.  And whilst I might ''keep myself busy'' ironing while I watch the television, or sorting photographs, or pottering in the garden, I don't consider these things as part of busy-ness, mainly because I would argue they are all by choice.  Kids stuff, yes, that can be busy.  But there's an easy out as far as I can see.  It's a little word called NO.  So when the children ask to do a sport, an instrument a hobbie and whatever else, I say no.  I don't think it will damage them not to start team sports until their older.  It won't hurt them not to be rushing off to some kind of self-betterment three days a week.  And it certainly won't kill them to have to play at home and not at a friends after school.

So my challenge to you, and to me, is this:  next time you are asked how you are, don't respond with ''busy''.  Next time you're asked a favour, and you don't want to do it, don't use the ''busy'' excuse.  And think about how you are actually spending your time.  Are you busy because you want to be?  And if not, what could you stop doing?

flat out doing nothing

How can it be that the busier I am - or at least, the busier I should be - the harder it is for me to find motivation?

Logically, if there's a to-do list as long as my arm - and at least as far as my elbow is going to result in income for effort, I should be right up there ready to get stuck in.

I know I am well organised - there is seldom a long to-do list on my fridge.   But because I juggle several part time jobs around the children and various other commitments, I do have to manage my time pretty carefully.

One thing I have learned about myself over recent years is that I work best under pressure

Most people just can't operate that way.  They need time to plan.  Time to consider, time to organise.

Not me.   So if I have two weeks to complete a project, rather than planning, spacing and timing it over that two weeks, I am far more likely to indulge in some serious faffing for 10 days, followed by one or two days of anxiety and then the final 24 hours in a complete head spin of productivity.

The lesson i have learned through this though, is not that I need to change the way I operate and become better at spreading out a workload, but that if this is my style, I need to work with it.  So now, when a deadline is looming, I know that I am far more likely to need to finish my crossword/write my blog/tidy the pantry than to start work - and that in fact, if I do that I am going to be far more productive in the long run.