Tuesday, March 03, 2009

40 days in the wilderness

The past forty days have been my own personal wilderness. The year started with great and exciting promise, beginning with a kind of covenant/faith renewal service on New Years Day. There was also a fledgling relationship which I had a quiet confidence in, I was over 'the hump' of turning 40, the housing market seemed to be picking up (meaning the possibility of a house sale), and I was at my all time best in terms of weight and health.

And then..... By the middle of January it starting turning to custard...and now, 40 days (or so) on, I feel that maybe, just maybe, the wandering around in a daze might be coming to an end. Ironically right in time for Lent. The relationship has turned out not to be as mutually satsifying as I had hoped (unfortunately I am still rather emotionally attached and working my way through a gamut of feelings, mostly consisting of feeling hopelessly hopeful...), the housing market plummeted again, although finally, finally, is sold with an extended settlement (but hurrah for finding a tenant), 41 is looming but not as scary as I thought, and I am delighted to find I have not gained an ounce over Christmas!

I have withdrawn from some of the commitments I had last year (turns out filling ones life to avoid reality is a good short term solution but not that sustainable for sanity!)..but kept on the ones I feel most drawn to, and am now thinking about what this year could bring. My spiritual journey is long and rugged but I feel I am slowly but surely going forward rather than treading water as has been the case for so long.

Some new friendships are in their fledgling stage, a few old ones have been...not relinquished - but partly retired. I have also realised that I need nourishing as much as I need to nourish others, and this has been an interesting insight. As a serial rescuer and helper I have not really given myself the opportunity to be cherished and looked after. And I can finally acknowledge that this is something I want keenly for myself for this coming year. Bring it on!

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