I'm too busy

How many times have you said that this week?

It might have been when you were asked how your week was going - oh! so busy. Or when your were asked to take on a role at  the school/church/soccer - Look I''d love to but I'm just so busy.  


Do you enjoy being busy?  Do you work well when you have a dozen things on your plate?  What constitutes busy for you? Work - play - kids stuff - housework and gardening?


So here's a tough question for you:
Are you really that busy?  And if so, why is that?  I wonder when busy became this normal state of mind.

I'm pretty sure my own mother didn't complain (if that's the correct word) about being busy.  She just did what she had to do each day and that was that.  I don't doubt her life was busy, and in many ways more than mine, in that there was no automatic washing machine, dishwasher, slow cooker to chug away while she did other chores.  She didn't have a car so it took longer to get anywhere.  My brother and I had a lot of after school activities so there was plenty of running around, and the consequent committee meetings and parent help duties to fulfil. She sewed and knits and preserved.  Those things certainly kept her busy (idle hands and all that!) but I doubt she considered this stressful work.

That's the difference I think.  In our society we all too readily equate 'busy'' with ''stressed''.  And we also seem to use ''busy'' as a euphemism for ''I don't want to'', perhaps because it sounds more worthy?

Certainly I have a busy life.  The usual stuff.  But I also think I have plenty of down time.  And whilst I might ''keep myself busy'' ironing while I watch the television, or sorting photographs, or pottering in the garden, I don't consider these things as part of busy-ness, mainly because I would argue they are all by choice.  Kids stuff, yes, that can be busy.  But there's an easy out as far as I can see.  It's a little word called NO.  So when the children ask to do a sport, an instrument a hobbie and whatever else, I say no.  I don't think it will damage them not to start team sports until their older.  It won't hurt them not to be rushing off to some kind of self-betterment three days a week.  And it certainly won't kill them to have to play at home and not at a friends after school.

So my challenge to you, and to me, is this:  next time you are asked how you are, don't respond with ''busy''.  Next time you're asked a favour, and you don't want to do it, don't use the ''busy'' excuse.  And think about how you are actually spending your time.  Are you busy because you want to be?  And if not, what could you stop doing?

Take the day off!

I took the day off today.

Correction, I raced out the door, on time, did some errands, had a business meeting for one contract, whizzed back to the office (where I work for a different organisation)  for a while, and am now sitting at my work laptop - scooped up from the first office -  until my children return from a dinner out.

But it felt like a day off.  Interspersed with all that I had tea in a cafe, bought a new shirt and a handbag, wandered around a mall, caught up with a friend at her house, watched Masterchef.

The work is still there, absolutely.  The in boxes on both computers are full and there's a long to do list on both desks.  I have two days ahead of back to back meetings and so I will be paying for this apparent lapse in productivity tomorrow and the next day.

But it was so worth it.  It was a full and busy day, but not frantic.  I didn't breath work, as I have done for days - no make that months.  It felt delightfully naughty being at a shopping mall mid week.  I liked feeling like I was being a truant even though it was only for a few hours.

Do you ever have times when you just want to shut down the computer and get outside? Or go shopping?  Or hide with a book?

I'd argue - and I'd support a hardworking employee who agreed - that sometimes, the right thing to do is to stop.  Just for a few hours.  Regroup.  Re prioritise.

Take the day off.

somethings gotta give

May was a month of decisions for me, especially relating to my work/professional life.  After spending almost a year juggling 5 contracts with 5 different organisations - the theory being that I could fit all those obligations around my children more easily than I could a ''full time'' job,  I came to the conclusion that something had to give.

I like to be busy really I do, but things had gotten crazy.  Add in after school activities like swimming and dancing, and not helped by the end of daylight saving, I was absolutely sick of having to push kids out the door in the morning, and often be arriving home in the dark- and sometime having to go back out again for meetings more than one evening a week.  My own interests started taking a back seat - to the extent that I had almost lost interest in the things that were once my passions.

And so, not without sadness,  I resigned from one contract at the beginning of May, and from two others at the end of the month.  It was in some ways a scary decision - not least because of the significant drop in income this will mean for me - and in others so easy.  The appeal of working for one organisation (currently two but I'm working on that!) far outweighed the cons of holding lots of different contracts.  I'm hopeful that I will now have the time - and mind space - to focus on growing my main job more meaningfully, and with any luck make more money that I was before too.

I have also given notice to a community group I have been involved in the leadership of for 7 years.  That was a tough one, and I am still feeling quite conflicted about leaving for a number of reasons.  My contribution is a vital part of the groups success (sounds bold but it's the truth), I really love what I do there, and I see a real need in our community for what we do.  But, it's another day a week that I am committed to non-income earning activity, and the time has come to rationalise that.

In terms of my own career path and goals,  I need to be focused and ensure that my time is being spent in the right places and with the right people.   I'm enjoying going to events I once would never have even known about - even though I can't abide small talk I'm getting better at it.  I am getting to shape my own role and see some good outcomes from my efforts.


I'm hoping that this redefinition will make me a better mother, a better employee, a better boss, a better person.  Time will tell.

Do you ever feel like you are burning the candle at both ends, and sometimes in the middle as well?  What do you do about it?

blow your own trumpet!

The latest in a series designed to help you get the most out of your business.

Let's talk about why you need to tell others how great your business actually is.

small talk and the art of conversation

I am currently working in a (great) job that largely entails talking to people.  I get to attend forums and presentation by amazing people, be part of challenging conversations, and also teach others about aspects of business and leadership.

But here's my secret - well it was until now!  I loathe small talk.  I'm simply not very good at it, and my ''results based'' personality is completely at odds with chat about the weather, the short what-do-you-do kind of conversations that invariably fill the first half an hour of a networking function, and the kind of talk that is required when sitting at a table with a group of strangers.

I've been doing this kind of work for the best part of 20 years, and yet still I struggle to cope with this stuff.  And yet I teach people how to do it effectively!  If there's a purpose to the gathering - and therefore a subject to kick off the conversation with, then I can do that well.  If it's a planned meeting with someone I've never met before I have a few stock topics to fall back on.  But to strike up with a stranger that I know I am unlikely to ever see again, well that fills me with dread.

How about you?  Are you good at idle chat?  Do you see value in ''small talk'' or do you tend to leap right in to serious discussion?  How is this received?

the public face - part 2

In my last blog I talked about the ease with which we can create a public persona - essentially hiding the real us from the world, either purposefully or inadvertently.

Today on Facebook (my favourite place to guess which face my ''friends'' are showing to the world...), I have been part of a thread which asks What are the three most important things you want to accomplish in the next 5 years?

There have been lots of interesting responses - some pipe dreams, some big hairy audacious goals, and some fairly general, pedestrian kind of plans. My response was this: 

The three I might consider important enough to share with 2933 strangers is not necessarily the three most important that are in my journal (or on my blog;)) 

Because this is a page that several thousand people could potentially contribute to, I am on one level less than enthusiastic about sharing my life dreams. On the other hand, i wonder, would putting them out there for such a large audience make me feel more accountable?

I have decided it would not. The dreams, the PLANS that I have for myself - and in particular those I which to achieve in the short term (5 years or less) are not really for public consumption. Sure there are some that I will need plenty of support for, and to that end I may well need to share them with a wider audience. But the others - they're the the ones that are most important to me are also most likely the ones most difficult to achieve - and so I think I prefer to keep those to myself.

The funny thing about a blog is that it feels like relative anonymity - writing for myself, posting it to a world of strangers, and possibly a few people I know. In fact to share a dream here feels way less scary than sharing it on Facebook where someone I know would surely read it. At the beginning of each year I make myself a ''to-do'' list...all kinds of things from small to audacious, but hopefully achievable, and this year I shared it with my real life friends, as well as on here. But they were pretty general things, nothing too personal, and certainly nothing I would be ashamed to not actually get ticked off this list. 

For all that though, I do like to think I am the same person inside and out, public and private - even if some things are better not shared or broadcasted, and so for my own amusement (and possibly yours...) here's a list of 16 things I'd like to achieve in the next five years - some sooner, some later - and some that are about to get their first public outing

- fall in love (with someone who falls in love back)

- have a regular column in a magazine, or syndicated in a newspaper (maybe grow my blog to something real)

- finally get on with some (real) tertiary study (might need a scholarship too...)

- become a Director of a Board of a large NFP or private sector organisation (in a paid capacity)

- successfully negotiate my daughter to teenage-hood (help welcome)

- have (at least) a weekend in a completely luxurious, outrageously expensive hotel or lodge (like the ones in Conde'Nast)

- be part of a flash mob (dancing)

- eat at the three ''must go to'' restaurants on my wish list: Chim Choo Ree, Huhu, The French Cafe (because I can)

- make a dent in my mortgage (even 10% would be good)

- own a car less than 10 years old (An Alfa Romeo please)

- learn to play golf (simply because I've never even tried it)

- go back to Japan (before I completely forget the language)

- to do a silent retreat/meditation thing (even just half a day)

- learn to make cheese

- be part of a pub quiz team

- get a full nights sleep (even one would be nice....)

What are your goals for the next 5 years? Are you brave enough to share them with the world?

the public face

As part of my current job, I am required to keep the paper supplied with press releases about various goings-on about town, and I also have a full page each month for my organisation.

Sometimes it can be a challenge to find something that is ''newsworthy'' enough for the paper to pick up.  There's a fine line between advertorial and a story.  I'm very lucky in that the Editor is most obliging and rarely changes the copy I send it, but this is also on the understanding that what I provide is of a certain calibre and style.  And as a result of doing this regularly, I have developed my own ''voice'', which means everything I write is fairly easily identified as mine (much like this blog...)

Recently I was interviewed on video for a project being completed about the top 100 places around our region.   As a result of that interview I was then approached about being profiled in the regional newspaper. It was great - I got a photo shoot (a good excuse to buy some new clothes) and the article went in to the Saturday paper where I was shown in full technicolour along side my interview.  The fun really began when my friends and colleagues opened the paper and saw me - the phone started at 8 am and I'm still getting copies in my letter box 5 days later.  The thrill of being famous for a day - just as Andy Warhol described!

But here's the interesting thing...as I read through my article, my first thought was Wow! she sounds fabulous:).  It actually took a few minutes to reconcile that it was about me!  Which made me think about how easy it is to portray one thing to the world and so easily be another in private.

I value the idea of being ''the same to everyone''.  It's that integrity thing I often speak of.  And I'd like to think that in my writing style this personality - and the values that sit within that - are reflected and consistent.

So here's the question for you to ponder this week:

Do you have  a 'voice'' that reflects the real you?  Do you have a public persona? Does it match who you are in private?  Why or why not?

viva la cliche!: if you do what you've always done....

It occurred to me as I considered the topic for todays blog, that much of what I write about is the frustrations of daily life - that is, the same actions, the same activities, the same outcomes.

And even though my work as a coach is about pushing encouraging people to think and act in different ways, in order to get better results, the majority of us plod through life largely doing the same thing, day in day out, and often getting frustrated at the way things are turning out.

So the cliche ''if you do what you've always done you'll get what you've always got'' has never rung more true.  The reality of life is that we ARE in routine and we ARE creatures of habit.  It's really easy to get cross about that - to feel bored, or irritated or impatient with those routines.

But what if?  What if you applied some fresh perspective to those same routines and outcomes?  Like...

- the same morning routine means at the very least you get to work on time

- having a basic repertoire of recipes means you can whip up a great meal at a moments notice

- using the same route to get to and from work each days means you know where the roadblocks, traffic jams and stop signs are

- wearing a tried and true style of clothing means you can leave the house always feeling confident about how you look

- shopping in the same supermarket/butchery/bookshop means not only knowing your way around (saving time and stress) but an opportunity to support a particular business and get to know it's owners (thus growing better goodwill all round).

Sure there are times when stepping out of such comfort zones is indeed a good thing, and there are times when change is imperative - for example when your health requires it - but don't be too hard on routine either.

i know you can hear me but are you listening?

As per a previous blog, I spoke of my daughter who can chronic sleeplessness.
It's been making all of us grumpy, and stressed, and frustrated.

This week she had a ''bit of a cough''.  Becuase she is prone to expanding her reality I was unsure if this was simply a tickle in her throat or the start of something more, so I carefully indulged with backrubs and so on, but tried to make light of it.

Anyway, as Murphy's law so often applies, it turned into a temperature and start of an infection.  She also had what appeared to be a minor asthma attack in the night - scary but managed by a friends inhaler.

I rang the Doctors surgery and was unable to see the regular Doctor but was offered an appointment with another, whom I have seen occasionally but don't know terribly well.  By the time the appointment rolled around she seemed a little better but I figured I would go anyway, and went in with a list of ailments and challenges for him.  I was fully prepared fro the ''there there'' approach as has happened so often before.

Anyway, imagine my amazement, when as I listed off my concerns, I was met with ''yes i can sort that'' for every single one of them.

The Doctor seemed in no hurry to push me out of the surgery, in fact, went far and beyond the 10 minutes usually allotted and beseeched me to return in a month if I was still not happy.

Aside from the $100 on fees and medications (inhaler, antibiotics, a footstrap for a recurring injury, referral to a specialist, pamol, melatonin tablets, some practical suggestions), this was probably the best experience of my week,

A professional who gave me more than the time of day, who really listened to my concerns (and hers) and acted on them.   I felt that this time I had truly been LISTENED to, rather than simply filling air with noise and response.  He engaged with me, he validated our concerns and he ACTED on them.

The reaction of my daughter was incredible.  She too felt relaxed and calm as we left, and as owner of an inhaler and footstrap, also empowered to deal with some of this herself.

What a difference a truly listening ear makes.


p.s. she was asleep in 5 minutes after lights out for the first time in 9 years....

winding down

A departure today, from my usual rantings of life.

I am the proud parent of a tween.  She is full of life - irrepressible, energetic and vivacious.  More is more for this kid, whether it's bling on her clothes, the volume of her stereo, or the number of lollies she thinks she can sneak when I'm not looking.

There's a slight downside to this hurricane of amazingness that is my daughter.  And that is that she can't get to sleep easily.  Every night, like the plot of a bad sitcom, we go through the same routine.  I set the deadline, we have hugs, kisses, prayers, ''çhat'', ''girl time'', quiet reading time, you name it, and it takes her at least an hour, and usually more to settle.

No amount of begging, pleading, cajoling or threatening makes the slightest bit of difference.  From time to time she will despair that she is unable to go to sleep, claiming that she wants to but her eyes/brain/body won't let her.  And, it must be said, by 9.30 or more at night, my patience begins to wear extremely thin, especially night after night after night.

Her diet, routine, evening activity and so on, do not seem to have an effect either way on her ability to relax.  Once asleep she usually is out to it for around 10 or 11 hours, so I know that she is not a child who simply needs less sleep than most.

 And so, today, a plea for help.  Has anyone else had this challenge?  You will know if you've been a reader of this blog for a while that sleeplessness runs in the family, so that is an added hurdle, but i could really use some fresh ideas here.

Your thoughts?

listen to the book...

product review: Mr Muscle Shower Clean

When I did my renovations earlier this year, I had a shower installed in the bathroom - having only had a tired and relatively ineffective over-bath one for 4 years this has been a revelation.  I bought an expensive one (over $1000) with easily removable curved doors designed for easy cleaning.

I HATE cleaning a shower.  It never seems to look quite perfect and being in the unit with the smell of cleaner is vile. Nothing ever works as well as it promises does it?  So when I discovered this product I was sceptical.  Never scrub again? Really?

Anyway, as per the instructions I cleaned the shower top to bottom and now dutifully spray this on the wet walls after every shower.  And I really cant believe it but it actually works.

I've been using it for a month now and the shower still looks like new.  No streaks, no soapy residue on the walls or glass.  It smells ok and doesn't make me lightheaded with fumes.  According to the back of the bottle, this one will last me about 4 weeks.  I spray once a day and I'm not even half way through it, so at $4 for 750ml its a bargain too.

I have tried other brands with less success, and whilst I agree it's early days, I'm quietly confident.

Finally, a cleaning product I would actually recommend.

reflections on leadership vs management

yesterday I had the priviledge of attending a full day of discussion on leadership, hosted by the Waikato Management School.

The University has a real focus within the management school on ''leadership'' as the star quality required for business success.  We heard from Jenny Shipley (a compelling speaker who gave some really practical takeaways), Ray Avery (NZer of the year, what a guy!), and Graham Henry (who spoke of the 'team'' aspect of leadership

I spent much of the day furiously writing notes, and trying to absorb all they had to say.  Here's some of the key points I came away with

- sometimes we need to hit rock bottom to have an ''aha'' moment and be galvanised into taking the lead on a project
- when someone says IT CANT BE DONE, the response should be: OK so how do we do it then
- the importance of a supportive partner/wife/husband cannot be underestimated. Great leaders need this.
- leaders are the ones who say ''i can make this happen'' rather than ''someone should do something about that''
- a good leader empowers their team - every person in the team is a leader in some way and needs to be supported in to being the best they can
- leadership evolves and sometimes admitting mistakes, or becoming more flexible is better than having a specific style
- leader have commitment, courage,  and curiosity (I'll vlog on this bit another time).
- leaders are the ones who create the vision that allows other people to manage the outcomes

An inspiring day, which left me wondering, if leadership is where it's at, why is the WMS not called the Waikato Leadership School....

a trouble shared

Isn't it great to have friends to tell ''stuff'' to?  To be able to share a worry (or a triumph) with someone can be the difference between a bad day and a good day.

People tell me stuff.  And most of the time I am absolutely stoked to be able to listen, and when asked, offer an opinion.  But sometimes it's simply not a good time.  And I find myself becoming bogged down by the sadness or troubles of others.  And I'm guilty of doing it the other way too - I am the first to admit that there have been times that I have unloaded MY stuff on to a friend without really considering if it was good timing, or appropriate.

Of course the true friend will almost always be a willing listener, advocate or cheerleader.  That's what being a friend is.  But isn't it easy to forget that they might have their own stuff going on that is just as important, or worrying?  And the other consideration is that sometimes in sharing your trouble, you might just be doubling it - by confessing something that's really big, it might make you feel better, but you might just also be then adding that burden to someone elses worry pile.

So here's a challenge for you - next time you've got something you just have to get off your chest, or a problem that just needs a second opinion ask your confessor if it's ok to spill first.

taking the lead

What makes a good leader?  Here's my take - what do you think?

150 awesome reasons to shop pre-loved

In desperate need of some smart clothes for work, but not really in a financial position to go for a big shopping spree, I again this week decided to hit the op shops and ''recycled/preloved boutiques'' in my neighbourhood, as well as trawl trade me and the chain stores for a bargain or two.

I spent an afternoon going through my existing wardrobe and managed to fill one of those massive red and white stripey bags with things that no longer fitted or I didn't care for any more (and yes, the odd ill-thought-out impulse buy).  This reduced my wardrobe by about half - I don't have a huge amount of stuff anyway.

Then I made a bit of an inventory and a wishlist for what I needed - I knew I needed some pants for work, at least one or two skirts and a few tops for under winter jackets.  This making-a-list stage is a bit onerous but knowing I would be getting a whole new wardrobe for not much more than most people spend on one or two items has convinced me this is time well spent.

I set aside a morning to ''do the shops''.  Added a few things I wanted to my TradeMe wishlist.  Had a second whizz around the shops a few days later.   And I'm done.  That's about as much as my brain, and feet,  can handle anyway.  

A quick add-up shows I've spent all up about $150, plus splashing out $25 on a new pair of shoes - only expected to last a season and dress up only. (One thing I do usually spend good money on is shoes).

So in my wardrobe I now have added

- 1 pair of dress trousers

- 5 skirts - 3 wool for winter (all Max), one dressy, one unusual embroidered casual cotton

- 3 jackets - 1 very smart for work, 2 casual

- 2 scarves and 1 wrap

- 3 upmarket long sleeve tops

- 2 short sleeve tops and 2 sleeveless ones - save these for summer!

- 2 shirts suitable for work and 2 vintage ones just for fun

- 2 evening dresses

- 1 boiled wool hoodie

- 1 almost new red leather bag

..and a handful of  other things that have made it in there too...

Nearly everything was either new or almost new, and most had good quality brands/labels - many from overseas.  

Yes it takes some time to find things that are the right size or style.  But it really is amazing what is available if you look - and often there are designer labels, new season,  or never worn clothing at a fraction of retail price.  I'm choosy - unless something fits perfectly I don't buy it, and unless the style is exactly right for me, it stays on the rack for someone else to enjoy.    I also don't buy things that I consider others might need seasonally - warm coats, rain jackets etc.  And I never ever ever buy preloved shoes, nightwear or underwear.  

I do like to collect unusual vintage clothing but am very picky about this - I apply similar rules as below regarding styles, fit,  colours and price and have got some amazing things in my collection now.  I'll share this in another post.

Top 10 tips for buying preloved

- know what suits you (colour, style) and spend less time trawling.  

- even though things will appear incredibly cheap, still have a budget and price limit

- don't buy cheap brand clothes unless it's a must have - often they are priced similarly on sale in the actual store

- have a shopping list (avoid impulse buys) and when you've got all you want, stop looking! (unless this is your hobby, then that's different;)). 

- look carefully for damage and avoid where possible but if you're the creative type do consider how something great could be remade, re-buttoned or hems changed

- never EVER buy something unless its fits you properly - leave it for someone else

- apply the one in/one out rule to your wardrobe so you don't over do it and end up with even more things you'll never wear

- follow your own rules and package up your own unwanted things for the stores you buy from.  Apply the same courtesies and wash/mend things before you donate them.  Don't send in rubbish!

- wear easy to get in to/ out of clothes and shoes to shop in and neutral, conservative underwear. A lot of these shops have very small (and loose curtained!) change spaces.  The simpler your clothes, and the fewer number of layers you have the better. 

- get your kids into this.  My daughter thinks it's awesome to be able to spend $5 and get a whole new outfit.

boring is as boring does

That's up there with 'stupid is as stupid does'' really, isn't it?

I've been involved in an interesting thread discussion on facebook today about boredom.  Why do people get bored? what are they doing about it?

There's been lots of helpful comments about how BUSY everyone is, and how many couldn't comprehend boredom.

Certainly there are times in life when we have to do things that are boring.  For example, we might say we're bored with housework.  Or a book is boring.  Or our job is boring.  But I think stating a particular task as boring is different to being bored.   


I think its possible to be really busy, and still be bored.  I think it's possibly to have ones brain working hard, but still be bored.  And I think it's possible to be enjoying a task, but still be bored.    I even would go so far as to say its possibly to have a really full and seemingly challenging life and still feel ''bored''.  Because my argument is that the word bored is actually used by a lot of people as a broad term to cover a whole lot of other emotions/feelings, many of which we wouldn't really want to say out loud.

So is it possible to drill down into boredom and see what is really going on?  I think so.  In my business coaching life I use the ''5whys'' to get people thinking about planning and strategy. It's a great way to get thinking about an issue and really get to the heart of it.
for example
I'm bored at work
Why
Because the job is not challenging
Why 
because i know it inside out
why
because I've been there so long....
why
because i don't think I can get another job......


I go through plenty of phases of feeling ''bored''.   I usually try to ''fix'' it by adding in more stuff to do.   And I already have a pretty busy life.  Which is how I realised that boredom couldn't be fixed with staying busy.  So maybe when I say ''I'm bored'' actually what I'm saying is
- I'm feeling unfulfilled
- I'm not content
- I'm disillusioned
- I'm tired
- I'm lonely

What I learned, is that for me, bored means that my emotional tank is a bit on the low side.  In other words,  I'm probably not bored at all.

thank-fullness

 I have previously blogged about a fantastic television series called The Monastery and the subsequent book 'Finding Sanctuary''.  You can read more about this at  http://www.findingsanctuary.org/

This week my discussion group started on working through this book, with a combination of quiet reflection, journalling and conversation.

We began by talking about thankfulness and this weeks leader of the group asked us to read Psalm 139 and then write down (in our shiny new journals), our reflections, or our list of things we were thankful for.

It was just amazing to discover than in fact, not one of us made a list of things at all.  We all had very different views on what we were thankful for, and most had to do with feelings rather than things, or experiences (well, we are all women after all...).

For me, I got stuck.  I think I already go on too much about all the good things in my life - to the extent that perhaps I sound like I protest too much!  But I wrote down ''thankfullness'' at the top of the page and stared at it blankly for a few minutes.  And there it was:  my untended spelling mistake was my moment of clarity.  Perhaps being thank-full means being content with what you have, and considering that ''á quiver full'' rather than listing everything individually (hence highlighting what we DONT have).  Perhaps being thank-full, or thank-filled, means just being, not doing, saying, acting.  Just being.

What would you say you are thankful for?  To whom?  Are you satisfied with what you have, or are you always looking for the next thing to add to the list?

show me the money!

a hard lesson on working out what your time is worth.

you need a plan!!!

women's business

Things to consider before getting into self employment - with a focus on women returning from childraising

slog...blog...vlog!

the mother metamorphosis

Ten signs you know you're turning into your own mother when....

- the children say they are cold and you say: put on another jumper
- you walk around the house turning off lights and muttering about the power bill
- you hear yourself saying: IF you want to talk to me, come and find me, don't shout from another room (and realise you're shouting this from another room)
- you put leftovers into the fridge in smaller and smaller containers until eventually you throw them out
- you can't leave the house  in the evening without leaving a light on for when you get home
- you get told you're the meanest mother in the world but know that actually it's not true (because that was YOUR mother)
- instead of a night out on the town all you want is to get into your pajamas and have a nice cup of tea
- you start buying home-branded things at the supermarket and informing the children that ''there's no difference so stop complaining''
-you take the children to the swimming pool and sit on the side rather than getting in with them
- you'd rather get a handmade card from your children than an expensive piece of jewellery from anyone else



Hurrah for mothers.
What can you add?

not my best mummy moment

I seem to be having quite a few of these lately.

They usually involve - or follow - a late night, a quantity of sugar food, a houseful of guests, a public outing or a combination there of.

Before I had children, I was the one who would look with disdain at people growling at their children in public.  I would confidently internalise my own response, vowing never to treat MY children in the same manner.  I would never wish for school holidays to be over, or bedtimes to be 7 pm.  I would cheerfully host a house load of other children and know that mine would happily share toys and space with nary a grizzle.

I'd never raise my voice, threaten to withdraw privileges, ban the TV or computer (as if! MY children wouldn't even be aware of such things!).  I'd make play dough, encourage painting on the deck, be thrilled with recycled box-art, enjoy the huts in the lounge made from all the clean and neatly folded sheets.  I'd make marvellous home cooked meals every night, all of which would be consumed with gusto and thanks.
My children would gladly collect their pocket money each week (after Sunday school of course), their reward for completing their jobs uncomplainingly and efficiently.

Seriously, what was I thinking!?!  Yesterday, at end of tether, I sat my 9 year old ON HER BOTTOM, ON THE FLOOR in a madly busy shopping mall for time out, having been nagged one too many times for sweets/smiggle/lemonade/money.  I don't know who was more mortified.

a decade of eventfulness

I had dinner with a group of friends tonight, all bar one of whom I have known for just a very short time.  We had a discussion along the lines of ''where were you 10 years ago''.

I realised, as I related where I had been, that it's been a pretty eventful decade, including:

- buying and selling 3 houses and building a new one
- 2 rounds of renovations
- 4 cars
- 3 pregnancies
- 2 babies
- 2 new businesses
- a new career
- established a newspaper
- started a scout group, a sunday school and a womens discussion group
- became a parent, and then a single parent, and now an effective co-parent with my FDH
- started two blogs and a website
- contracted and survived meningitis, two big operations and two cancer scares
- lost 5 close family members and gained two nephews and a sisterinlaw
- turned 40
- learned to dance, play the ukelele, do a cryptic crossword, and create an excel spreadsheet
- got quoted in the NZ Herald, interviewed by the Christchurch Press and featured in the Waikato Times
- preached a sermon, taught adult learners, and started music classes for preschoolers
- have been a corporate career woman, playcentre mother, and become self employed
- stayed in a 5 star retreat
- learned to use a chainsaw, bought a cordless drill and painted a house
- gone camping, tramping and got dirtier than I ever could have imagined I would do



I've also been blessed with an amazing circle of friends, wonderful family and two incredible kids.

Phew.

what have the last 10 years brought you?

The paper trail

In a moment of generosity and clarity, I decided that this was the week to pass on my childhood desk to my daughter.

A 'personality furniture'' kitset desk circa 1974, I remember my Dad proudly putting in up in my bedroom, and me carefully filling the drawers with paper and pencils (no felt tips back then!), my precious stapler and scissors, and a prized roll of sellotape.

I've been using it as my office desk until now, and the contents of the drawers have hardly changed.  Except that there's some felt tips in there too of course!

But as I was emptying the drawers, I came across my two precious address books - the first started when I went overseas on my own for the first time in 1986, and the second given to me when I was living in the UK.  They contain hundreds of addresses of people I met on my travels, many of whom I am still in touch with.  And that's the thing that really struck me.  The ones I keep in touch with.  No letter writing any more.  Barely even a Christmas card.  In fact, I can't even remember the last time I actually looked in the address book (which would explain why they were buried at the bottom of the desk...). And sitting with them were my wall calendars from the past three (pre-iPhone...) years.  A real life chronicle of all the activity of my family - play dates, music lessons, school interviews, family birthdays.

These days everything is electronic for me.  And I love it.  Phone numbers, appointments, photos, all straight into my phone and reminders sent to me every day instead of bits of paper.  I even use the notebook function rather than carry a pen and pad with me.

But the real versions - the ''hard copies'' just hold more emotion somehow.  And so the address books will go back in the drawer, along with the calendars, which I'm not quite ready to put into the recycle bin just yet.   Sometimes, I just miss paper....

sticking my neck out

Today I went for a massage.  It was a new experience, having only ever tried it once about 15 years ago (and hated it).  I was...slightly nervous.  Partly because I didn't really know what to expect, but also because it was being done by a friend (who is a therapist).

Now I am not one for visualisations, allegory and new age healing ideas.  But here's what happened:

H used a combination of techniques which included some foot reflexology.    As she pressed on certain parts of my feet there is no doubt it hurt - but the odd thing was that it was not a ''painful'' hurt.  Does that make sense to you?  In much the same way as we might get an injection that hurts but at a logical level we know is for the greater good, I found the discomfort an almost healing experience.  Interestingly the areas on my feet that DID hurt, did actually correspond to the parts of my body that aren't working so well right now - and certainly I understood the emotional/metaphorical significance of the pain too.

But here's the really weird bit.  As she moved up to my neck and shoulders she commented on the flexibility (or lack thereof!) in my muscles, but also that the skin on my head was quite pliable - suggesting that my brain (mind) was in good healthy order but she wondered had I been ''sticking my neck out'' too much for others.

Ouch!  That is true, so true.  And, incidentally one of the pressure points in my feet suggested that I was getting a lot of ''stuff'' heaped on me that wasn't being processed or let go.  My skepticism was starting to dissolve, and then, in a completely uncharacteristic moment, I had a really clear and strong vision of myself kneeling in front of a step, a la neck on the block.  It was the weirdest thing.  I could see myself bowing my head down, in complete trust of the person above me, believing that I was safe, but also knowing that I was risking actually having my head chopped off.  And right where that blade would have fallen was where the pain was in my shoulders.

Weird? Fanciful? A load of rubbish?  Possibly a sharp moment of insight?

What do you think?

a very Good Friday

So it's Easter, from today.  I have to admit, despite being brought up in church, living and breathing it for 40 years, in fact even working in paid ministry, I am still at a loss when asked to explain the nuances of the whole Easter thing.

I mean, of course I get that it's about the Crucifixion, the resurrection et al.  But why GOOD Friday? And how did the messages get so mixed.  Passover, the humanist spring celebration, the Christians marking Easter as the anniversary of Jesus death and subsequent rising from the dead.

Does it matter that these messages have got a bit mixed up?  As long as everyone is focussed on the things that are important to them and theirs?

Today I woke to an empty house and took in the peace.  There is hardly a soul around - I guess everyone is at the beach, making the most of a four day weekend  - and so the whole town is quiet.

I drank coffee, checked the headlines.  Had a visit from a friend.  Talked to one or two more on line.  Picked up windfall apples and feijoas.  Went to visit friends here from out of town.  Sat on the deck in the sun enjoying the beauty of this place I call home.

So far not an easter egg, or hot cross bun, as passed my lips.

I'm planning for a low key afternoon and easy dinner.

No work.  Just relaxing and enjoying the day.

Sounds like a very Good Friday to me.

trying it on

Lately I seem to have been spending a lot of time talking about self evaluation, the processes we go through as we age, and how we start to become more comfortable in our skin as we get older.

It's got a lot to do with emotional IQ i reckon (and I've already blogged on THAT a number of times) but also being brave enough to find the things in life that really ''fit'' us.  A bit like clothes, the stuff that we put on each day in order to face the world.

So, for example, we try on a particular religion or belief system.  Sometimes it fits like a glove on the first try.  other times it takes a while to feel comfortable, and other times, no matter how much we pull at it and try to adjust it ( or even suck in our wobbly bits to make it look better), it just never feels right.

Or, we test out a hobbie, or a career, or a lifestyle option that we like the look of.  Often times no matter how much will we have, it just never quite works out.

What about attitudes and values?  Have you ever tried to adopt an attitude than never quite fitted you - and it was obvious to yourself, and others that this was so?  Maybe you tried it on for a while - being more optimistic, or reserved, or self confident.  Maybe you did such a good job you managed to convince others you'd changed - in fact maybe you did.  You might have actually been able to sand off some rough edges and change yourself from the inside out.

But what of the things that you've been carrying around (wearing), for years, but still feel tight around the middle?  Are there some attitudes, or internal narratives that you need to check out in the mirror?  That are reflecting back a distorted image of the person you now are?  Maybe they need some minor alterations, or maybe they need to be discarded, just like the clothes sitting in your wardrobe, untouched and unloved - and completely wrong for you.

What are you ready to scrutinise, or send off for recycling?

your own personal governance board

There's been a lot in the media recently about governance, the role of a Board of a director, the value in having impartial but skilled people overseeing an organisation and helping to set direction as well as trouble shoot issues and potential problems.

It made me think...what if I did this in my personal life?  I mean, it's easy to ask friends and family for advice and they are usually very free and generous with it.  But I suspect that because although they have my best interests in mind, they are also invariably my cheerleaders, and focused primarily on the ''more ofs'' than the ''less ofs'' and ''differentlys''.

So how would one go about assembling such a group?  I guess it's possible to include a trusted friend or two, possibly an employer, maybe someone at my Bank (for the financials of course).  Engage a mentor for sure - in which ever area of life I feel needs attention or a little encouragement (or bullets!).   A counsellor.  A careers coach.  All these people can be part of the group that help you to define direction - not necessarily set -  They wouldn't necessarily have to meet on a regular basis like a Board does, but it could be helpful if there was some communication going on, especially if it was around a big issue.

I think it would be particularly helpful in the area of interpersonal relationships, and career.

Does this sound narcissistic?  Or does it actually make some sense?

Do you have trusted people around you to share ideas with? Do you do this for anyone else?

If you were given advice or a challenge that didn't sit well with you (but you knew might be in your best interests) what would you do?

selfishness at our age

I had a conversation with a friend on the other side of the world today.  We started talking about our families and priorities as often we do.  After we'd both spent some time grizzling about what wasn't going so well she said ''oh I feel like it's all about me...I'm getting so selfish asIi get older'.

Now there's a tricky one.  As mothers, in particular, our lives are often completely focused on other people (mainly small, dependent ones).  It's hard, relentless, often thankless work.  And so when we get a precious few minutes to ourselves,especially if it's after a particularly trying day,  whether those minutes are carved out or snatched, it often is a time for some self reflection and often a good dose of sorry-for-myselfs. And then we catch ourselves and say ''oh how selfish!!''

But is it really selfish?  Is demanding some time for ''me'' selfish?  By definition (thank you www.dictionary.com!) selfish means:

1.

devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarilywith one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardlessof others.

2.

characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself: selfish motives. 

Is that all really such a bad thing?  Sure, if it were happening all the time it might be.  But I reckon for most of us, the moments of self-ish are few and far between.  We're conditioned to believe that life should be all about giving to other people and that we should put ourselves last.  Well, even Jesus took time out for himself when it all got too much.    He knew that it's important to have some SELF-care.  To look after ones own welfare before another.   

Here's what I've learned - with some knocks and scrapes to tell the story, and a fairly large dose of maturity to round it off.  Sometimes  it actually does need to be all about you.  Sometimes it's OK to throw a bit of a tantrum and demand some space.  sometimes, everything else has to come second.  And that's fine by me.

look after yourself

As part of one of the contracts I have, each quarter I phone 30 men and women who lead groups of volunteers in church ministry.   Sometimes it's encouraging, sometimes it's hard work, and sometimes I get what appears to be a recurring theme coming out of the conversations.

That's what has happened this month.  In fact I spoke to three women in a row who told me almost an identical story:

They are all smart,  busy, with families to care for, jobs to do, and lots of commitments in their communities. They all put themselves last.  Not because they are martyrs, but because they have a genuine passion and commitment to what they do.  And all three have had serious health issues over the past few months, not least in part due to being way too busy, way too distracted, and not giving enough attention, or respect, to their own well being.

And so, the theme I keep hearing is this:  It's all very well to want to give and give to others.  But if you're not caring for yourself first you're not going to be very effective.  In fact you risk doing more damage than good, and then you'll be no good to anyone.

And the reality is, that in this world of volunteerism that we now live in, it's fairly unlikely that someone is going to tap you on the shoulder and say ''hey take a break, we can manage without you for a while''.  so it's up to ourselves, to manage the load, set some good boundaries and decide priorities.  Which includes some self care.

As my regular readers will know, I'm pretty partial to quoting lines from my favourite movies.  Actually, scratch that, I'm pretty partial to quoting a lot of lines from one of my all time favourite movies.  And all the way through PRETTY WOMAN, characters Kit and Vivien say to each other ''take care of you''.  That sums it up I reckon.

Is your life in balance?  Do you give the right things the right priorities? Has something got to give? Are you taking care of yourself?

emotional IQ

I belong to a women's discussion group.  It started as a bible study actually but over the past couple of years has evolved rather.  We've been meeting every week for three years and the width and breadth of conversation is vast.  There's some rules - what's said there stays there...no one is wrong...listen without judgement...be honest in opinion.

It works incredibly well and have given all of us a ''voice'' when often as full time parents/volunteers/partners/employees we do not feel our true selves are being heard or even acknowledged.

Yesterday we talked about decision making and how we spend our time.  There was much talk of how easy it is to get caught up with a cause and then discover that not only are we unable to change the issue, but that time that could have been spend well elsewhere has been gobbled up in stress and worry.

We also touched on the idea that as we get older (average age in the group is 40) we become so much better - we hope - at being able to make decisions based on a bigger picture.  The job that seemed the be-all-and-end-all at 30 is now simply a stepping stone to the future.  The study we always wanted to complete seems less, or more, important.  

We decided that the key was to identify the things that were of value. Sometimes the thing that is of value is doing nothing, or eating too much chocolate, or whiling a day away with a book.  And other times its being really focused on a task or project or cause.  What counts is giving each thing the credit it deserves.  Not feeling guilty about how much energy it takes, but also knowing when it is time to say ''enough!!"'.

Yes, it's about having the emotional intelligence to recognise what motivates us - or demotivates us.  Paralysis by analysis is rooted in fear not an inability to make decisions.  sometimes, we decided, you simply have to make a decision and go with it.  And then be brave enough to change course if it doesn't work out.  Or admit it wasn't a great decision and move on.  Or, wonder of wonders, enjoy the success of actually acting on your decisions.

Sure everything we do involves risk.  That's the trade off for stepping out and following hearts and dreams.

What decisions are you facing right now?  Are the big, important, small, still important?

Are you brave enough to feel the fear and do it anyway?

for the love of Books!

I remember discovering books and reading at a very young age, and being one of the regular customers at the library.  The thrill of moving from ''baby books'' to readers.  And then to the non fiction, and  Young Adults section, long before I was even close to being a Young Adult.  The Library of my childhood was a very old building with impossibly high shelves (or so it seemed to me), complete with movable ladders in the aisles.  I visited every week, and would take home a huge pile of books, always returned read from cover to cover.  I dreamed of becoming a librarian, just so I could be in there with all those books, every day.

I have been trying, with very little success, to encourage the Dancing Queen to read more.  I've tried all kinds of books.  We've bought them, borrowed them, recycled them.  I've even offered her glossy magazines.  but within a few minutes she is disinterested.  She says reading is ''boring'' and no matter what the subject, so far I have found nothing to really capture her interest.


As a consummate bookworm myself this is frustrating.  I believe in the power of books, because I love to read.  But I think for her, not helped by some literacy challenges, reading will always be a chore rather than a pleasure.  


There's a line in the movie 'Pretty Woman'' where Edward Lewis is talking about opera.  He says
"People's reactions to opera the first time they see it is very dramatic; they either love it or they hate it. If they love it, they will always love it. If they don't, they may learn to appreciate it, but it will never become part of their soul.""


Yes it's a corny quote from a corny movie.  But I think there's a kernel of truth in there.  

the cat came back

The little engineer got a cat for his birthday.  That was about 6 weeks ago, and after stressing inside for 3 days, she scarpered and was not seen for 2 weeks, other than a flash of tail leaving the food bowl.

After a couple of more weeks she could be seen at the neighbours place but was given to disappearing as soon as we got near her.

Last week she deemed it suitable to come and look for food whilst we were in the house, but was still not fussed about being touched other than a quick pat.

Finally this week she allowed me to pick her up and the children to pet her.  And tonight, wonder of wonders, she is inside for the first time.

It's a lesson in patience and trust.  A confused cat, being rehomed from city to country, took a long time to be able to trust her new environment and people.  A little boy who fell in love with her the first time he saw her, and has waited patiently every day for 6 weeks for her to come to him.

Now, she's asleep on his bunk bed.   The little engineer is beside himself with joy - finally his much wanted pet is actually his pet.

the principal principle

...or should that be the principle principal?

I've been thinking some more about the things that I think might define me as a person.  I'm often going on about Energy Integrity Kindness as being the ''three legged stool'' (to copy a currently popular facilitator-speak term).  I use these words to describe both myself - and what I think is important, and also the things I value most highly in others.

As well as that there's the words that are shaping my year this year - Boundaries, Priorities, Deliberate.   Deciding what I think is okay and how far I will go with that (or not), what's important (or not) and what I will make a balanced and purposeful effort to achieve (or not).

I've been using the word ''principle'' a lot lately too.  It all sounds a bit moral highground-like but really what I am doing is putting together my three legs, and my three year-words, and summing them up in one statement. It's more than just values, morals or beliefs, although all those things fit in there somewhere. It's about thinking and acting on the things that really matter to me, whether they fit with mainstream thinking or not.  The things that ''sit'' with me and feel right.

What words are important to you? Could you describe what is important to you in just a couple of words? Do you have boundaries already in place?  How good are you at working within them?

renovations

After three weeks of chaos, my renovations are almost complete.

Actually that is a vast overstatement - actually I am almost at the stage where the builder leaves, and I get in the plasterer (ick), the plumber and electrician, and start clearing up the mess in the yard.

I am really looking forward to getting my house back, that is true, but the upheaval has not been quite as awful as I thought it might have been.I have been completely impressed with all the tradesmen that have been in the house in the last few weeks.  They have (almost) always turned up on time. They get on with what has to be done.  They have cleaned up their mess at the end of each day.   Apart from the fact that I have had no kitchen, and then latterly, no toilet or bathroom, in the house, I would hardly have know they were here...

management material

I had a catch up today with an ex-employee of mine. We've both since left the company, although she only recently, and me ten years ago, so it was interesting to compare notes about how things have changed (or not) in that time.

She commented that part of her reason for leaving was her continued dissatisfaction at being asked to do work delegated by her Manager, which was widely known to be expected to be delivered BY the manager not her direct reports.  This included a fair amount of community involvement and public speaking.  It would seem the manager never had a particular gift for this and would pass it on at every opportunity.

It got me wondering about how well businesses manage transition and change in a role, when the same people are still holding the position.  Particularly at management level when prior experience is hard to replace or acquite at short notice.    Is it fair to expect a person employed, say, to be a processor, to evolve into a salesperson?  Large businesses are particularly good at changing the key performances indicators in a job without a whole lot of thought going into whether the incumbent is actually right for the job. It creates a whole lot of work upskilling or coaching, or having to deal with an underperforming or unhappy staff member (few if any simply retrench or release the people that no longer suit).

In my years of recruitment I have always looked at ''fit'' first.  Will this person fit in to the existing team, the work environment and the customer expectation models.  Then I look at their qualifications and experience.  And one of the key attributes has got to be flexibility and openness to change - because these days, few jobs stay the same for very long.

If you are looking for staff, or are looking for a new job yourself, how flexible are you? If the role changed within a year or two, would you be able to adjust, or would you be back in the job market?

Amazing grace

From dictionary.com: 
verb (used with object)

14.

to lend or add grace to; adorn: Many fine paintings graced therooms of the house. Synonyms: embellish, beautify, deck,decorate, ornament; enhance, honor. Antonyms:  disfigure,desecrate, demean.

15.

to favor or honor: to grace an occasion with one's presence.Synonyms:  glorify, elevate, exalt. Antonyms:  disrespect,dishonor.

Last year I read a book called ''What's so Amazing about Grace''.  It's written largely for a Christian audience however has life lessons that can be applied to all people. It challenged me about a lot of misconceptions I was brought up to believe, and continue to cling to,  and highlighted the fact that I am far quicker to judge or condemn than to extend grace.

By definition, grace is a beautiful thing.  It should make something better than it might have been.  It's a positive word in my view, and suggests generosity and non-judgement.  But it also says ''control'' to me.  A graceful dancer is a pleasure to watch not least because every single movement is deliberate and certain.  A gracious host shows magnanimity and kindness but within the bounds of good taste and manners.

I've had occasion recently to be in a position of having to really work hard at being gracious.  I'm having to remind myself every day that no matter how wronged I feel, it is not my job to judge someone for their actions.  To me grace is about kindness with strong boundaries.  Generosity with sane limits.  Love with out expectation, but also without martyrdom.

What does extending grace mean to you?

Be Natural Manuka Honey and Spice clusters

I belong to a fantastic blogging community of mothers.  There's hundreds of blogs and topics and always something thought provoking to mull on.

Recently we were invited to take part in a taste test for a new cereal being launched onto the New Zealand market.

Be Natural is an Australian brand but their products sit quite nicely alongside the Kiwi counterparts on the shelf - but with some quite unique differences.

The first thing to stand out is the packaging - natural cardboard box with no gaudy colours or pictures, this looks completely different to the other cereals right off the bat.  Clearly it is designed to say ''healthy'' and environmentally friendly.  On closer inspection there's a statement on the side of the box - this is made from recycled cardboard, and the company tell us they are partnered with Landcare Australia.  I like that.

The proof is in the eating though, so I sell the idea to the chidlren that they are part of a special group of testers (not cereal eaters, my two) and they enthusiastically view the bowls in front of them, telling me it looks'' yummy''.  So far so good.

Unfortunately both children were unexcited about it after the first couple of mouthfuls - The dancing queen claiming it was too spicy (she has zero tolerance for cinnamon) and the little engineer less than thrilled with the bran flakes.  

I loved it.  It has a chai latte kind of quality that I really enjoyed (I guess that's the cardamom)  and therefore a more sophisticated flavour than most honey based cereals.  I'm not a fan of milk on cereal and so ate it fairly dry but that was fine too and it didn't stick the roof as my mouth as muesli style cereals are apt to do.

I'm also not really one for checking nutritional content on cereal - as long as it's not too sugar or salt laden I'm happy - mainly because to get any breakfast into my family is a win on the day.  That said, I was happy with the contents and liked the variety of grains on offer.  The pumpkin seeds are a nice touch too, adding a bit of colour and variety of texture.

Would I buy this again? Absolutely - and I look forward to trying another flavour in the range.

Be Natural Manuka Honey and Spice clusters

I belong to a fantastic blogging community of mothers.  There's hundreds of blogs and topics and always something thought provoking to mull on.

Recently we were invited to take part in a taste test for a new cereal being launched onto the New Zealand market.

Be Natural is an Australian brand but their products sit quite nicely alongside the Kiwi counterparts on the shelf - but with some quite unique differences.

The first thing to stand out is the packaging - natural cardboard box with no gaudy colours or pictures, this looks completely different to the other cereals right off the bat.  Clearly it is designed to say ''healthy'' and environmentally friendly.  On closer inspection there's a statement on the side of the box - this is made from recycled cardboard, and the company tell us they are partnered with Landcare Australia.  I like that.

The proof is in the eating though, so I sell the idea to the chidlren that they are part of a special group of testers (not cereal eaters, my two) and they enthusiastically view the bowls in front of them, telling me it looks'' yummy''.  So far so good.