I am currently at the half way mark of treatment having been diagnosed with TNBC at the end of March. It's a relatively rare form of breast cancer, which weirdly mainly affects young women of Maori or Asian descent, with just 300 odd cases diagnosed each year in NZ.
I had what I thought was a pulled muscle from over zealous gardening, and had gone to the doctor with a couple of other minor niggles relating to women of a certain age ;) when she mentioned I was due for a mammogram so should add that to my wellness to do list.
It was a massive shock to discover the pulled muscle was in fact a tumor...not least because I found out my role at work was being disestablished as part of a restructure the same week...and in the same few days my dog was diagnosed with heart failure, and I was booked to have a basal cell carcinoma removed following a brush with melanoma a few years back. It was quite a week!
Thanks to having medical insurance I was able to see a surgeon within 48 hours of diagnosis and had a lumpectomy just 3 days after that. What was originally thought to be a garden variety tumour turned out to be triple negative so I then moved to chemo. My mind and body were in shock for sure, and it has been a very hard road with me getting every side effect possible and a secondary infection that landed me in hospital early on.
I'm now 11 rounds of chemo in with 5 to go and the 15 radiotherapy sessions still ahead. I won't lie, it's been a freaking arduous journey and still feels like I have a mountain to climb ahead of me. Upon diagnosis, my life literally ground to a halt overnight, as I withdrew from all the things I loved doing to focus on treatment and recovery (and minimise my risk of other infections, including Covid).
I've had amazing support from my friends ( code named The Boob Tribe) as well as my family and incredible resilience shown by my kids. For them, this has become normal life as we know it. Right from the start I took the approach that I would follow the advice of the experts, and not do too much research - and I'm glad for that. Whilst some days this crazy life still feels like it belongs to someone else (I'm reminded it doesn't, when I catch sight of my hairless head in the mirror), this has given me a measure of control that getting stuck into reading every book and attending every support group meeting might not have done. I literally start each day with 'what can I achieve today', and in fact at times, 'achieve in the next hour, or the next ten minutes'.
There's been a lot of hard times. I have struggled with the toll this has taken on my appearance and stamina. The damage to my 'offal' has been awful....suffice to say few parts of the inner workings are operating as they should be. I've gained a lot of weight thanks to treatment, but don't have the energy to increase exercise. I'm bald, covered in a rash, and have a constantly dripping nose (currently blood noses, good times). Right now, the fatigue, coupled with insomnia (both side effects of the chemo drugs, and the drugs I have to take for the side effects of the chemo) are particularly bad. I feel seasick most of the time, and everything tastes weird.
Some people in my life have disappeared...it's a tricky thing, to be confronted by a seriously ill person. I hope they'll be back one day, but if not, I understand. Others whom I barely knew have become close friends and confidants albeit at a distance as I find myself really unenthusiastic about having visitors or socialising. I am a pretty positive person but this has seriously challenged that mindset. Some days are good...especially the ones when I am on steroids, and others are just feckin' awful. I find myself becoming more reclusive....I'm sick of my own story, sick of the 'head on the side, how ARE you' comments, sick of the surprised 'oh you're STILL doing that' remarks from people I haven't seen in a while.
I've had to stop doing a lot of the things I love ...volunteering, dancing, numerous cafe visits!...whilst neutrapenic, but there is light, I hope, at the end of the tunnel. I have a long road of recovery ahead but firmly believe that mental resilience and ability to "let it be" has helped enormously. And then there will be bursts of lightness...a walk with a friend in the sun (ooops not meant to be in the sun when you're having chemo), a quick trip to the shops, a visit from someone I've not seen in a while. A day on the couch with Netflix might be not so fun any more, but the ability to use that as a reason to employ a cleaner kind of is....
I started a new role with the same organisation in the middle of all it all, very glad to have been successful in quite a competitive recruitment process and with an incredibly accommodating people leader who has been happy for me to work from home,,and take recovery time as I need to.
Mindset really is everything. I look forward to the day this will be a distant memory. Fingers crossed.
