I am what I am - the scourge of the service town

desperate times desperate measures

Things are pretty bad around here.  Shops are closing.  More and more people I know are having meatless meals (surely a sign of hard financial times).  Second hand shops are popping up everywhere.  Lots of people are walking or biking places. Seems every other person is being made redundant at the moment. Or looking for a new job that pays a bit better.  The day of the ''main breadwinner'' is over as increasing numbers of families need to have two incomes.  You could say its doom and gloom.  Economy crashing.  Heading into winter.  Surviving the summer drought.  Worrying about interest rates.  Stressing how to pay the bills.

I'm not immune.  My young man was made redundant and is looking for work.  My own job is ...tenuous.  Heaven forbid that the car breaks down, or I break a tooth!  My power bill seems to be creeping up, petrol is definitely costing more, and as the kids grow so do their expenses.  I'll admit it, I'm worried.

And I'm a bit grumpy.  See, every one's an expert.  Those who are comfortably employed simply cannot appreciate this situation (I know, I was that person and I didn't).  It's quite different to look in on the troubles of someone else, and oh so easy to offer advice.  Just do this. Just do that. If only.  But still. At least.

Today I applied for two jobs.  I could do both of them well, but both would mean major lifestyle changes for my whole family.  Needs must.   I spent ages rewriting my CV to be tailored to each job, and a relevant cover letter (because that's what the experts say to do).  I also sold, via Trade Me, a few more things I don't ''really'' need.  That will bring in a couple of hundred dollars - a false economy I know, but needs must.

I've started carefully planning - and subsequently reducing the number of - outings I have. I haven't had a proper holiday in over 2 years, but actually more like 7.  If I can work from home (and hence save money on petrol and the ever tempting bought coffee) I do.  To conserve water I'm only using the washing machine a couple of times a week with super full loads.  Every light in the house is off unless it HAS to be on.  Same with appliances.  I'm resisting putting on the winter heating, and instead have put extra blankets on the bed.  I'm grocery shopping every 10 days instead of once a week and taking every bit of produce that's offered to me.   It really is that tough.

And I know I am one of the lucky ones - I have a house, a job, a car.  We eat well. We live well.  I fear for others not so well off. Eventually we will all run out of things to sell.  There's cars that need replacing, teeth that need fixing.

What are you doing in these tough times? Are they tough for you? What advice have you been given? What advice are you giving out?

the customer's always right, right?

Lately I've been thinking about the power of feedback.  About how perception is reality, and how just a tiny bit of bad publicity can wreck a reputation.

First - feedback. Not the direct ''I think this of your product/service'' kind of feedback, but more the ''I heard this about that business'' kind of feedback.   In my experience few businesses actively ask their clients for feedback (unless they are looking for warm fuzzy quotes to go on their website).  And when they do receive it, usually unsolicited, and more often than not at the negative end of the spectrum, they can easily come up with a counter argument for everything said - of course the customer was unhappy, the brief wasn't clear. Of course we went over budget, the scope changed.  Of course we were unable to complete on time, there was extra unallowed for work involved.  Of course she left the shop unhappy, she was miserable when she came in and was probably already having a bad day.    Problem is, whatever the reason for a customers misery - as the provider of a product or service, you will always be considered the one accountable for the experience.

Perception is reality - sure is.  The customer that THINKS you are a slow responder will be very difficult to convince otherwise.  The customer that FEELS you understand their business will remain loyal even if in fact you don't particularly value them as a client when the lights are off.  The person that sees you in a messy office, or cruddy old car, will always have a certain view of you, no matter how efficient or innovative you actually are.

And as for bad publicity...well actually whether a rumour is true or not, once something bad is said about you, your business is going to have a huge job convincing anyone to the contrary.  One barely bad experience from one small customer is just as damaging as making a huge stuff up on your most important client.  Everyone makes mistakes, and its important to own up to them, but it is imperative to do the very best to maintain the absolute best reputation you can for your business.  Acknowledge mistakes, fix them immediately (even if they are not actually your fault), apologise gracefully, and do better, much better, next time.

The customer is always right, right?

helpless and hopeless

I'm watching two people who are close to me go through some tough stuff.  They care for each other deeply and have also been through plenty of other own crises in the past few years, but now it's about the redefinition of their own relationship.  Things are messy and emotional.  I can see both sides of the story.  I can relate to both, agree with both, and disagree with both.

But I can't really get involved. It's not my place to do any more than be a listening ear.  And its hard, oh it's hard.  I want to be sympathetic, I want to offer thoughts and opinion.  I want to fix this.  But I can't.

I guess it's partly selfish - I have this ridiculous need to see everyone living happy ever after.  I have an abhorrance of conflict (sometimes to my detriment it must be said). I want to believe in an ideal world where everything is resolvable and we can all accept each others views.  Yes I know it's unrealistic.  Yes I know life is messy and unpredictable (oh how I know that!), yes I know that sometimes things actually AREN'T fixable - the only thing to lessen pain is time.

The crazy thing is it's not really even any of my business. I'm an onlooker. I have no right to an opinion other than as friend or confidante.  It's a good lesson for me.  Listen, learn, care - but let others do what is right for them.

decisions decisions

Today I am feeling a little calmer than I did yesterday.  Yesterday I felt a little crazier than the day before.
Last week I didn't know which direction I was looking in.

I've got a lot going on you see, and am feeling like there's some major life decisions looming - and to be honest I'm nervous about facing them.  Thanks to the relative insecurity of my (otherwise terrific) job, I am seriously considering seeking new employment.  One child is fast approaching a potential school change as she is in Year 6.  The ridiculous size of my mortgage is leaving me feeling financially strapped.  I just had a mountain of blood tests and if the Doctors supposition turns out to be correct there's going to be some major lifestyle changes happening right here.  My car is making all kinds of scary noises and asking (more and more vociferously) to be be retired to trade-in heaven.

Life is good, don't get me wrong, but like most people, it seems that sometimes all the ''stuff'' happens at once and appears in an insurmountable pile that demands attention, right now.

I've often used the expression ''sometimes not making a decision is the right decision''.  That's worked out OK for me up until now, but I'm getting closer and closer to the point of ultimatum.  My right brain tendencies suggest that I'll make a list of pros and cons, get some specialist advice, be rational.  The usually stifled left brain arrangement means I'll most likely ignore my gut instincts.  Ahhh decisions, why are you so difficult to communicate with!?!?

How do you make decisions?  Once made do you stick with them or do you tend to prevaricate until there's no time left?

is blood thicker than water?

I've always been a bit envious of those people that have a ''strong circle of friends''.  You know, the kind where all the wives are besties, the husbands are mates, the kids play happily together, and it's all rather ''F.R.I.E.N.D.S'' like.

I'm also rather envious of those big families where there's lots of strong bonds - family get togethers, singing round the barbecue, and all that.  Sure, I get that it's a cliche.  I get that I watch too much American TV, but I still like it.

I'm lucky enough to have a circle of friends that kind of fits the description above, and I do come from a large family that (on one side anyway) has amazing annual get togethers.  And I have a close relationship with my parents and siblings if not the extended family in general.

This week I have had conversations for four different people who have all been lamenting the disconnect between their commitment to friendship (in particular) and that of the the friends involved.  Some people are really good at maintaining friendships with people they seldom see, and others just don't seem to want to put in the effort.

I suppose it's like any relationship, in that you have to both want success.  And it would seem that longevity is also not enough to guarantee the health of a friendship.  But the other observation I have made, is that for those people with very strong family ties, or a strong circle of current friends, there seems to be less need to maintain lasting bonds with seldom seen friends.   And for those that don't have good family relationships, the energy is put into friendships instead.

The problem comes of course, when one person values the friendship more than the other.  Or at least puts more priority on it than the other.

My guess is that if you have really strong connections with your family, it is impossible to understand what it would be like not to have that.  It would be difficult to understand why someone would put as much store in a friendship as they put into their family relationships.  It might even make the family-light person seem a bit ...well, intense?

Perhaps, but I would argue that friendships can be, and are, just as rewarding as the relationships we have with people we are biologically connected to - in fact sometimes more so.  After all, one is always related, but a friendship requires a real commitment from two sides.

Here's the question/challenge for you:

Do you value your friends as much (or even more) than your family?
What would happen if you had to choose one over the other?
Do you consider your friends an extension of your family?
How much effort are you really prepared to put into maintaining friendships with people you have known for a long time?

the power of friendship

This week I had the pleasure of meeting my SO's two closest friends, both of whom live overseas and are seldom in NZ.  It was a wonderful day, with kids and wives, extended family, lots of food and music and plenty of laughs (and ''remember when'' stories).

These guys met when they were only 14, and 25 years later still clearly have a strong bond that can only be formed through the trials and tribulations of the teen years.  There was a fourth in the group, who sadly died as a young man, and part of this day of gathering included a walk up the mountain these boys spend much of their time on as young people.  Some others joined us and we sat at the top of the hill enjoying an amazing NZ vista and slugging back quintessential kiwi refreshments (Schweppes Sparkling Duet anyone?).

It was great fun to see them in action, and be able to piece together a little more of SO's life pre-me.  And they (and their wives) made me feel so welcome that any potential awkwardness was gone before it even appeared.   Even though we had never met - in fact had barely even seen a Facebook photo of each other - it was fun, and relaxed, and conversation flowed easily. Social media is all well and good, but nothing replaces the joy of a real life conversation!

But of course there's a downside to the 'see you every two years'' kind of relationship.  By living so far apart from each other we miss all those important events - weddings, birthdays, funerals, the birth of children - that were once the things that drew a community together.  Perhaps it shouldn't matter.  Perhaps its a matter of quality not quantity when it comes to friendships - but I still have this feeling that giving the choice, most of us would like to be surrounded by those people that mean most to us, and shared some of our most intense experiences (as only early-adulthood ones can be).

I too have a group of friends from that time and it has been many many years since the four of us have been together.  When we do, the friendships pick up right where they left off and time falls away.   That's the power of friendship.  But I can never quite decide if it's a wonderful thing, that the world is so small we can relocate to another country with such ease - and commute half way round the world for Christmas - or if in fact this is a tragedy: those incredible friendships that we develop as young people, despite remaining strong no matter how far apart people can be, could surely be so much more if we lived nearer each other?

call me loyal

This question was posted on a Facebook thread today:


Is "Loyalty" (to your partner, to your job, to your ideals, etc.) important? Is it a key ingredient of you as a person? Did it get you hurt in the past?

and I replied with:

I  think loyalty, much like leadership - in fact they are probably very closely related, is earned. That's about demonstrating those core values that people want to follow. What I'm suggesting though is that it can be easy to be loyal to a person (in particular, as opposed to a product) because of guilt. eg I will stay loyal to this person because of something that happened in the past or because I will feel guilty if i betray them (even if it opposes my core values) or maybe pride - I can't stop being loyal because I said I would remain so.  

In consumerist society, loyalty is the buzzword of the moment. I must have at least 20 cards in my wallet that are testaments to my supposed loyalty - cafes, takeaway, a supermarket, DVD shop, clothing store, even the hairdresser. Do they engender my loyalty? Not really. Most are places I would go anyway and - as an example - spending $50 on coffee over the course of 3 months, just to get a free one is certainly not my motivation for returning. On the other hand, by having that 'loyalty card'' in my wallet I am subconsciously reminding myself to return to the same stores over and over. Some are rather clever and offer me a reward even if I don't remember my card. 

 
Of course, the reason I return to those stores time after time is because of the quality of their product and/or service. They take the lead and I, encouraged by what I receive there, gladly give them my money.

Loyalty to a job - does this really exist any more? I am sure that there are many older people who are long time employees of an organisation, and who would consider themselves ''loyal'' to their employer. But most people these days don't stay in the same job for years and years - they move happily and readily to a better opportunity, and rather than viewing longevity in a job as a good (read responsible, sensible, loyal) option, would see long time employment as a sign of apathy or even incompetence. 

 
Loyalty to ideals - well maybe that's another story. Absolutely we should be loyal to what we believe in. Assuming loyal means to stay true to, rather than to cling on in vain hope? My thesaurus tells me loyal means unswerving or faithful. Sounds good to me. Provided its tempered with good sense. Why be loyal to something, or someone that is dishonouring to you? Why be loyal to something, or someone, just because they've been in your life for a long time? Doesn't loyalty, like respect, get earned in relationships too?

 
Yes, I'd say I'm a loyal person. I will be faithful to that which I believe in most soundly and those whom I love most. Have I been hurt by this? Oh yes, many times, and in some ways it has made me a little more judicious about the things I now defend. Not all in all I bad thing I think.

Loyalty, alone, in my view is unsustainable and unrealistic. It cannot be demanded, or given without far deeper motivations. 

Your thoughts?

well that's the plan, anyway...

2012s goals plans and resolutions
this was my not so private to do list for 2012.
When I read through it now there's an awful lot of things on there that haven't got even close to fruition let alone completion.  But there were a few other things I really wanted to do in 2012 that I DID achieve - little things mainly - and I'm delighted about them.
I went in a dancing competition (did terribly but that's not the point....)
I learned to play a board game I'd been wanting to try for ages
I visited a part of NZ I had never seen before, and revisited one of my favourite cities
I got my wish of (more than one as it turned out) a really fantastic dinner date
I got a pay rise and secured some more work for 2013, but managed to wind down two other contracts
I finished the next round of house renovations and got the spa I'd wanted for a long long time
My children finished their school year well and happily, and both had developed new talents and skills
The Dancing Queen made it to double digits and survived her first school camp, marae stay and Guide camp
The little Engineer perfected the art of bike skids and  formidable belly flops into the swimming pool
I said NO more, and have worked on feeling less guilty about it
I started going to the gym and found I actually quite like it
I got a whole nights sleep (yes just the one but that's momentous)

There's been some other things too, not necessarily for public consumption, and overall I'm feeling pretty good about my year.

I firmly believe in the ''write it down and it will happen'' theories.  Its absolutely true that once a plan/goal/dream is shared, you feel more accountable and more motivated to make it happen.

And so, will a little trepidation, here is a pared down version of my plans for 2013

- renew my passport (you never know...)
- upgrade my car
- keep focused on getting to the gym at least twice a week
- do the cheese making course I never got to in 2012
- spend a night in the tipi on the West Coast
- get a whole nights sleep (yep that's still on my list) more than once this year
- drink a Maitai, try a new ethnic food, find a new perfume I adore
- make a dent in my ''I want to see that'' movie list
- finish the books on my waiting-to-be-read pile

Do you make plans? Resolutions?  Set goals? Why or why not? Are you prepared to share?

The annual Christmas poem

From our house to yours

.A Christmas Carol

Oh little town of  Alexand how still we see thee lie,

Can only mean we’re not outside,

my daughter, son and I

Yet in the dark street shineth an everlasting light,

 I think it be my Christmas tree, those flashing things are bright!

How silently how silently the cat comes sidling in…

Since joining us in February, she’s had us in a spin

She sulked for the first week or two then hid under the bed,

And though she should be TLE's cat she fancies the Queen instead

Listen and you just might hear some voices singing gaily

Could be Kapa haka (her) or him and ukulele

Born to please a crowd they are, with not a hint of coy

On the stage or a YouTube clip, that’s my girl and boy

Out in the garden -  one for each-  lots of plants abound

Berries, peas, and spuds and beans are all there to be found

The Engineer's the green thumb, the Dancing Queen, likes cooking

(Though more whipped cream and chocolate cake is pinched when I’m not looking)

The adult of the house is great – in work and home life too

The job, the gym, the Village Voice, the dancing that I do

A special friend to share my time, (who’s learned to dance as well)

In retrospect I must declare the year has turned out swell

Happy Christmas from Us

the shape of things to come

A couple of months ago I won two months gym membership in a Facebook competition.  It included a session with a personal trainer, and although it took me a few weeks to actually get in there, once I'd had the assessment (surprisingly good), and got my workout plan, I found I was quite excited about the idea.

I'm no couch potato (I walk or use my bike to get about every day and dance at least once a week) but I also knew that my body could use a bit of work - I treat it well most of the time, but like most women in their mid-40s, I probably spend more time on the peripherals of exercise, and more money on my face/skin/hair than I do on maintaining good fitness and tone.

So, fast forward 8 sessions or so and I'm starting, ever so slowly, to see some changes.  I can do more whilst I'm on my circuit (eg up to 20 flights of stairs on the stepper, having started at 15, rowing for 7 minutes rather than 4), and although there's certainly no dramatic changes to my shape I do feel just a little bit straighter and fitter - and yes maybe even a little firmer in some spots.

Its been a bit frustrating that ''the weight isn't falling off''.  Like most people I'm always thinking I could do with shedding a few kilos and I (somewhat unrealistically) thought this gym thing would make that an easy task.  Here's the downside - I'm so hungry all the time!  I guess its all that exercise but I'm sure I am eating more now than I was a month ago.  I get hungry at random times too - late in the evening, early in the morning, neither of which have been typical eating times for me.  So, when I lamented about this to the trainer (also a good friend) she suggested I keep a food diary for a few days and she could analyse it for me.

Well, if there was ever a motivation to change what went into my mouth, that was it!  NOT the goal of losing weight, oh no.  The thought that I would have to write down that a bag of chips fell into my mouth was just too horrifying and so I now find myself thinking ''hmmmm, maybe I could have an apple''.  It's the darnedest thing!  I don't want my friend thinking I eat rubbish (actually I don't ...really.....) and I don't want to see a list in black and white of what went into my stomach either!

And so whilst I have still had a couple of major pig outs (today an example when I attended an event with catered deliciousness), I am certainly more aware of everything I'm consuming, and I'm hoping that this will be the difference between getting fit, and getting into shape.

tis the season to be thankful

The words that have been on my mind this week are grateful and  content.

As the avalanche of flyer's for Christmas shopping grows at my gate, and there seems to be more advertisements on television than actually programming (all which tell me I will be a better person/happier/smarter/more attractive if only I purchase from a particular store) I am reminded again of how easy it is to lose sight of the concept of being happy with what I already have.  And its particularly challenging having two small people in my house who are so easily influenced by the media.

Certainly it is unreasonable to expect a child to easily understand that they already ''have so much'' when they are subjected to this constantly, and also don't have a world view as broad as an adults.  And all children see more of what they don't have than what they do.

But Christmas is surely a time we should be taking a breath and remembering just how much we DO have and being glad for it.  Grateful for me means adopting some humility and being reminded of the abundance we live in as a society, as a community, and as a family. It means being thankful and gracious even when I don't necessarily feel like being either.   Content means being able to accept that I really do have enough - even though they may be times I still crave a particular thing or experience.  It goes beyond resignation (that will have to do), and  not as far as complacency (I no longer need to have goals or drive) and allows me to appreciate the small things in life that tend to get overlooked - especially in the crazy time that is December.

What are you grateful for this Christmas?  Can you look at your life and feel content?  What might need to change in 2013 to get you closer to this?

I am grateful for the amazing community I live in - the friends around the corner, the abundance of local produce I can buy, the incredible view of Mt Pirongia I can see every day.  I am content with my smallish house, my oldish car and my longish grass.  And this year I want to make a real effort (that's the non-complacency bit) to share that gratefulness and contentment with my family over the crazy pre-Christmas season.

.

perception is reality: a view from the shop front

I live in a town that has traditionally been a place of independent store owners.  Businesses that have been run by generations of shopkeepers and tradesmen, where everyone knows your name and shop fitouts are of an indeterminate age.
About ten years ago things began to change.  The ''big guns'' came to town - the Warehouse and its ilk, and of course we saw the birth of the sometimes described scourge known as the $2 shop.   There was an influx of national chains, mainly clothing and stationery.  There were cafes opening on every corner too and some of the long time retailers shut up shop.  Farmers closed its tired old store. As did Hallensteins.  The shops who appear in malls declined to come.  Things were looking grim.  A large format development was started on the outskirts of town.  McDonalds and several other takeaways turned up.

Fast forward on and we are now in a state of flux.  This month, there are 7 empty stores on the main street - all independent retailers that have shut down.  It sounds bad.  In some ways it IS bad.  But there's a hidden side to this story.

One of those retailers has moved to a premise 3 times the size of his previous building.  Another national chain has come to town and taken the old space.  Three new large businesses have come to town.  The stores that were high prices,  low value or low volume are finding it hard to compete - but the big shops ensure that our town is now competitive with the city just up the road.  And surely the fact that big players are coming here - employing locally, spending a heap on a shop fitout, and giving a streamlined look to our retail strip - suggests that they believe our town is worth investing in?

Sure, there's lots of vintage/second hand/op shops.  There's more than our fair share of cheap imported goods shops.  There's lots of low cost takeaway outlets.  But there's also plenty of boutiques, expensive hairdressers and gorgeous gift shops too.

Today GrabOne presented to a group of businesses.  We sat in a fantastic restaurant, eating great food and hearing about some real success stories - mainly, but not only, in retail, around New Zealand.  Then we talked about our upcoming Christmas parade, in which we expect 60 floats, and about 5000 people to come and enjoy.

Seems to me the economy is not as grim as one might believe.  It's all about perspective.

gimme gimme gimme

Okay, I confess. I lost the plot a bit on Friday.  I raised my voice...nay, shouted. Quite a bit.

It was Friday night.  We'd had a busy week, the kids and I.  Athletics, Guides, playdates, music lessons, the Light Party, a trip to BK.  Hardly a tough week when it came to kid indulgences.

Unfortunately for me (or them, as they pointed out), the circus was in town and we weren't going.  I'm not one for circuses myself, something about the clowns that freak me out, and so it's not something I am particularly excited about going to.  Especially at $35 a ticket - and that's not even a seat near the front.  They begged. I said no.  They pleaded. I said no.  They whined.  I said no, more vehemently. They told me Everyone Except For Them would be going.  That if I Really Loved Them I Would Take Them.  That they didn't get to go ANYWHERE and it WASNT FAIR.

I pointed out the previous weeks activities.  And yes, I'll admit it, my voice got a little louder with each thing on the checklist.  I reminded them that I Wasn't Made Of Money.  I explained my position.  I didn't bother with reasoning, I just put it all out there.

Finally, eyes agog as they witnessed me lose the plot on the fifteenth (or was that fiftieth) ask, they conceded that they wouldn't be going to the circus.

The next day one child went for a playdate/sleepover at best friends, and the other went to an all afternoon and most of the night birthday party.  On Sunday we had errands to do, but I added in Subway for lunch and a quick coffee stop at a kid-friendly cafe.  We saw more friends.  It was a lovely day.

Until, on the way home, I was told:  ITS NOT FAIR! WE STILL DIDN'T GET TO GO TO THE CIRCUS

pride and prejudice

In a recent conversation with a (child free) friend about teaching kids respect, she said ''What I am fascinated by is the absolute hatred in some people for a particular type of person - particularly when they are parents, or want to be - and yet have no idea how their child may be in adulthood.  Will they love that child or be proud of them? What pressure goes on a child to be a certain way, or to not become what the parents despise? How does that pressure show itself in a child?''

As the parent of two inquisitive kids, I am often confronted with some tricky questions - why do they believe that Mum? Why is that person fat?  What does gay mean?  You know the stuff... I want to raise my children to be tolerant of others, to accept differences but to remain true to their own beliefs and values.  So this poses an interesting question:

If there's a  particular belief/lifestyle choice/view that I strongly disagree with, how might that affect the way I parent? What if YOUR child grew up to be the ''someone'' who chose to live a lifestyle you found totally offensive?  For example, what if they are a supporter of a political party you abhor, or in a religion you find unacceptable, or chose a path - stumbled into a path - you didn't understand and couldn't condone - atheist, gay, obese, drug addict, alcoholic, criminal, bankrupt, hermit, abuser.  Whatever.  Its not an exhaustive list, and it's not my own personal record of no goes - just some examples to get you thinking.

My own view is that it is imperative to teach some tolerance, with boundaries, to our children.  So that might mean explaining the impact or consequences of certain behaviours, but giving children the freedom to choose a path for themselves.  Which is all very idealistic when the child is 7 or 8, and less realistic as they approach adulthood.  My main concern is that I do not allow any hatred to form, particularly when it relates to people who are different to ourselves - and yet make it clear that there are certain behaviours (as opposed to beliefs/values/inborn characteristics) that are not OK.

How about you?  Do you have a no go area?  Is it ok for children to know their parents own prejudices? Are there prejudices you are aware you are passing onto your children?  Why?

a lifetime in a decade

This time ten years ago I was on the brink of first time motherhood. And it certainly is true what ''they'' say - that nothing, absolutely nothing, can prepare you for this experience.

Its still all SO clear to me, from the first labour pain, to holding that beautiful new baby in my arms.  Her first words, first steps, first trip to the beach.

The ten years have been a lifetime of ups and downs for our family, and although much of it is not the path I would choose, I have, sleeping just down the hall, an amazing human being.  A feisty girl with talent and spirit and spark.  One who has a very defined sense of right and wrong, one who is quick to react and just as quick to forgive others.

My ten year old has a great group of friends, many of whom are coming to share the day with us tomorrow.  Doting grandparents and adoring cousins.  A little brother who thinks she's absolutely wonderful and also his favourite person to tease and squabble with.

She is brave and fearless in a crowd, or on a stage, but still cries if she skins a knee.   A great sense of style and a love for  sparkle and bling - and a penchant for comfy trackpants and a pair of crocs.

A love of pop music and, surprisingly obscure jazz.  A taste for spicy curry, imported olives, iced chocolate and chicken chips.  She loves to read magazines and cookbooks, watch Masterchef on TV and transform her room into a hairdressing salon one day and a beauty spa the next.

Shes a water baby who can spend an hour in the bath, or a day in a swimming pool and still want more.  She dances, every day, and has taught herself to play the piano.  She has an affinity for language and dreams of one day visiting Paris and speaking French.

We are best friends most of the time, arch enemies occasionally, and share a fierce and protective love for each other.

To my amazing dancing queen: I love you to the moon and back.

hellllllp!!!!!!!

I'm an independent kinda girl.  I'm also not one for dwelling in misery, let alone sharing it with others, and yet in the past couple of weeks I have found myself telling the story of my current family stresses over and over.  And over.  In fact its getting kind of boring, even for me.  My friends and SO have been incredibly supportive and positive, offering all kinds of help and insights and for this I am truly grateful.

Its incredibly hard to ask for help.  In some (yeah, screwed up) kind of way, to me to ask for help feels like a weakness. Like I'm saying I have failed rather than that I am just as human as everyone else.  And when that help needs to come from professional quarters it seems to me like even more of a failure, more of a weakness.  The reality is of course, that to ask for help - to acknowledge one needs it in the first place - is probably a good thing.  In fact the deep irony is that I ''help'' people for a living.  My job is to help people get better at what they do and to identify the areas they need support in.

But, seek help I have.  I have a list of things to do - a kind of action plan I guess, that I am hoping are going to make a difference.  A bunch of cheerleaders around me to keep me on track (and quite possibly, accountable).  A couple of very clear outcomes I want to achieve, and at last a sense of hopefulness that this thing, this horrible challenging, exhausting thing, might get sorted. Eventually.

How are you about asking for help?  Do you have a good support network?  Are you a lone problem solver or do you feel OK about enlisting the help of others?

posted with gratitude

I started preparing for dinner at 7.30 yesterday morning, putting a gigantic piece of (home kill)  corned beef in my slow cooker - and reflected on the marvels of modern appliances as the day wore on.

I walked to school with kids, in the sun, and stopped to chat a while with other mums not seen for some time.

Back home to work - remotely and in the quiet - before I  picked up my son and took him to an ear/nose/throat specialist who explained the amazingly complicated human body in simple and 6-year-old friendly terms, and handed me a quote for $5000 to fix some ongoing health issues.  We stopped at the McDonald's drive through for some hot chips and returned to school in time for a PTA fundraising sausage sizzle.

All the while, the slow cooker bubbled away, the potatoes baked in the oven.  The bread maker did it's thing. The spa pool heated gently.  The ice cream waited in the freezer.   The ipod blasted out sounds whilst I vacuumed and steam mopped before guests arrived.  I wandered about Facebook in between times, catching up with friends in three different countries.

At three o-clock, I met with four other friends and their children at the ice cream shop, where we sat in the sun and the kids chased each other with over sized sticks and threatened each other with sticky fingers.

By 4.30 I was back home, pouring a glass of wine and surveying a clean house and a nearly cooked meal.

And then my friends arrive for dinner.  Four adults, 4 kids and teenager all enjoyed slow cooked corned beef, baked potatoes, massive platter of salad and home made bread.  We had a simple dessert of ice cream in a cone and warm mini donuts.

After dinner the children jumped in the spa pool (a new addition to my outdoor living space) and the adults talked about everything and nothing for an hour or two.

It was a day of amazing simplicity - and also a celebration of the marvels of technology.  But overall, it was a day of gratitude.  What an amazing place I live in.  What fabulous friends I have.  How blessed I am to have such luxuries and conveniences at my fingertips.

What are you grateful for today?

grief and grieving

Last week I attended the funeral of a person I had never met.  I was there in support of the closest families members of this woman and it was a strange position to be in.

It was a sad funeral, as of course they are, not least because she was very young, and left behind a young family, but also because she came from a widespread and fairly fragmented family.  My grief was for those children in particular, who I know have a tough road ahead of them coming to terms with the loss of their mother.

Funerals are the strangest things.  A microcosm of society - people from all walks of life whom would otherwise have never met, coming together for an hour and little more.  The ''religious'' and ''non religious'' both having to make sense of the possibilities or probabilities of an afterlife, as a way of coming to terms with death.  Children who barely understand, and old people who have seen too many loved ones go before them.  People who are truly grieving and others who are barely sad at all.  

And for some strange strange reason , those who are hurting the most seem to end up comforting everyone else.  Surely the children or parents or spouse deserve the most support and yet they are the ones who do the back patting, offer the condolences and have to be the 'strong ones''.  And worse still, in some weird way, there is often an intangible competition about who is the saddest. Who misses the person most.  Who had the closest relationship to them.  Who had the most to lose.   I am not convinced that our society has this right!

But there was also a positive that showed itself at this particular funeral, and that was the level of attendance from people who barely knew, or had never met the person who died, and yet came along, as I did, to support the grieving.  What an amazing gesture, and a reminder that perhaps most people really are as decent and kind as I want to believe they are.

emotional kryptonite

  

Yesterday we had cartoons on the TV, and there was a Batman/Superman/Spiderman thing the children were watching.  My daughter commented she likes Superman - but also Hulk.  It seemed to be about being strong and brave.  So it got me to wondering about how I could relate these ''superhero'' qualities to the values and characteristics I have been trying to work on with my kids.


As I have mentioned over at my other blog as well, there's been a lot of talk at my house of late about hurt and forgiveness.  These are big concepts to grasp, especially for children. And so I had been trying to work out how to get these ideas into practical terms for my 9 year old (in particular) to understand.  We've talked about how being angry is like letting someone mean live in your head.  We've talked about how forgiving someone makes your heart feel lighter.

The superhero thing suddenly made a whole lot more sense.  And in particular I was thinking about what super-qualities might apply to anger.  There it was:  Forgiveness is like kryptonite to conquer anger.   I talked about this with my daughter last night, as she is currently wrestling with the idea of having to forgive someone who hurt her deeply as a very young child.  She says she's almost afraid to do it -  I think perhaps she feels that the anger gives her some power over her thoughts and reactions to that person.

I left the ideas with her, reassuring her that it was not something that might happen easily, and nor would the feelings magically disappear - but that by applying her ''kryptonite of forgiveness'' to the angry feelings, she could take some of the sting out of them.  She understood and promised to think about it.

Keep you posted