There's been a lot in the media recently about governance, the role of a Board of a director, the value in having impartial but skilled people overseeing an organisation and helping to set direction as well as trouble shoot issues and potential problems.
It made me think...what if I did this in my personal life? I mean, it's easy to ask friends and family for advice and they are usually very free and generous with it. But I suspect that because although they have my best interests in mind, they are also invariably my cheerleaders, and focused primarily on the ''more ofs'' than the ''less ofs'' and ''differentlys''.
So how would one go about assembling such a group? I guess it's possible to include a trusted friend or two, possibly an employer, maybe someone at my Bank (for the financials of course). Engage a mentor for sure - in which ever area of life I feel needs attention or a little encouragement (or bullets!). A counsellor. A careers coach. All these people can be part of the group that help you to define direction - not necessarily set - They wouldn't necessarily have to meet on a regular basis like a Board does, but it could be helpful if there was some communication going on, especially if it was around a big issue.
I think it would be particularly helpful in the area of interpersonal relationships, and career.
Does this sound narcissistic? Or does it actually make some sense?
Do you have trusted people around you to share ideas with? Do you do this for anyone else?
If you were given advice or a challenge that didn't sit well with you (but you knew might be in your best interests) what would you do?
Sunday, April 01, 2012
Friday, March 30, 2012
selfishness at our age
I had a conversation with a friend on the other side of the world today. We started talking about our families and priorities as often we do. After we'd both spent some time grizzling about what wasn't going so well she said ''oh I feel like it's all about me...I'm getting so selfish asIi get older'.
Now there's a tricky one. As mothers, in particular, our lives are often completely focused on other people (mainly small, dependent ones). It's hard, relentless, often thankless work. And so when we get a precious few minutes to ourselves,especially if it's after a particularly trying day, whether those minutes are carved out or snatched, it often is a time for some self reflection and often a good dose of sorry-for-myselfs. And then we catch ourselves and say ''oh how selfish!!''
But is it really selfish? Is demanding some time for ''me'' selfish? By definition (thank you www.dictionary.com!) selfish means:
1.
devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarilywith one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardlessof others.
2.
characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself: selfish motives.
Is that all really such a bad thing? Sure, if it were happening all the time it might be. But I reckon for most of us, the moments of self-ish are few and far between. We're conditioned to believe that life should be all about giving to other people and that we should put ourselves last. Well, even Jesus took time out for himself when it all got too much. He knew that it's important to have some SELF-care. To look after ones own welfare before another.
Here's what I've learned - with some knocks and scrapes to tell the story, and a fairly large dose of maturity to round it off. Sometimes it actually does need to be all about you. Sometimes it's OK to throw a bit of a tantrum and demand some space. sometimes, everything else has to come second. And that's fine by me.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
look after yourself
As part of one of the contracts I have, each quarter I phone 30 men and women who lead groups of volunteers in church ministry. Sometimes it's encouraging, sometimes it's hard work, and sometimes I get what appears to be a recurring theme coming out of the conversations.
That's what has happened this month. In fact I spoke to three women in a row who told me almost an identical story:
They are all smart, busy, with families to care for, jobs to do, and lots of commitments in their communities. They all put themselves last. Not because they are martyrs, but because they have a genuine passion and commitment to what they do. And all three have had serious health issues over the past few months, not least in part due to being way too busy, way too distracted, and not giving enough attention, or respect, to their own well being.
And so, the theme I keep hearing is this: It's all very well to want to give and give to others. But if you're not caring for yourself first you're not going to be very effective. In fact you risk doing more damage than good, and then you'll be no good to anyone.
And the reality is, that in this world of volunteerism that we now live in, it's fairly unlikely that someone is going to tap you on the shoulder and say ''hey take a break, we can manage without you for a while''. so it's up to ourselves, to manage the load, set some good boundaries and decide priorities. Which includes some self care.
As my regular readers will know, I'm pretty partial to quoting lines from my favourite movies. Actually, scratch that, I'm pretty partial to quoting a lot of lines from one of my all time favourite movies. And all the way through PRETTY WOMAN, characters Kit and Vivien say to each other ''take care of you''. That sums it up I reckon.
Is your life in balance? Do you give the right things the right priorities? Has something got to give? Are you taking care of yourself?
That's what has happened this month. In fact I spoke to three women in a row who told me almost an identical story:
They are all smart, busy, with families to care for, jobs to do, and lots of commitments in their communities. They all put themselves last. Not because they are martyrs, but because they have a genuine passion and commitment to what they do. And all three have had serious health issues over the past few months, not least in part due to being way too busy, way too distracted, and not giving enough attention, or respect, to their own well being.
And so, the theme I keep hearing is this: It's all very well to want to give and give to others. But if you're not caring for yourself first you're not going to be very effective. In fact you risk doing more damage than good, and then you'll be no good to anyone.
And the reality is, that in this world of volunteerism that we now live in, it's fairly unlikely that someone is going to tap you on the shoulder and say ''hey take a break, we can manage without you for a while''. so it's up to ourselves, to manage the load, set some good boundaries and decide priorities. Which includes some self care.
As my regular readers will know, I'm pretty partial to quoting lines from my favourite movies. Actually, scratch that, I'm pretty partial to quoting a lot of lines from one of my all time favourite movies. And all the way through PRETTY WOMAN, characters Kit and Vivien say to each other ''take care of you''. That sums it up I reckon.
Is your life in balance? Do you give the right things the right priorities? Has something got to give? Are you taking care of yourself?
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
emotional IQ
I belong to a women's discussion group. It started as a bible study actually but over the past couple of years has evolved rather. We've been meeting every week for three years and the width and breadth of conversation is vast. There's some rules - what's said there stays there...no one is wrong...listen without judgement...be honest in opinion.
It works incredibly well and have given all of us a ''voice'' when often as full time parents/volunteers/partners/employees we do not feel our true selves are being heard or even acknowledged.
Yesterday we talked about decision making and how we spend our time. There was much talk of how easy it is to get caught up with a cause and then discover that not only are we unable to change the issue, but that time that could have been spend well elsewhere has been gobbled up in stress and worry.
We also touched on the idea that as we get older (average age in the group is 40) we become so much better - we hope - at being able to make decisions based on a bigger picture. The job that seemed the be-all-and-end-all at 30 is now simply a stepping stone to the future. The study we always wanted to complete seems less, or more, important.
We decided that the key was to identify the things that were of value. Sometimes the thing that is of value is doing nothing, or eating too much chocolate, or whiling a day away with a book. And other times its being really focused on a task or project or cause. What counts is giving each thing the credit it deserves. Not feeling guilty about how much energy it takes, but also knowing when it is time to say ''enough!!"'.
Yes, it's about having the emotional intelligence to recognise what motivates us - or demotivates us. Paralysis by analysis is rooted in fear not an inability to make decisions. sometimes, we decided, you simply have to make a decision and go with it. And then be brave enough to change course if it doesn't work out. Or admit it wasn't a great decision and move on. Or, wonder of wonders, enjoy the success of actually acting on your decisions.
Sure everything we do involves risk. That's the trade off for stepping out and following hearts and dreams.
What decisions are you facing right now? Are the big, important, small, still important?
Are you brave enough to feel the fear and do it anyway?
It works incredibly well and have given all of us a ''voice'' when often as full time parents/volunteers/partners/employees we do not feel our true selves are being heard or even acknowledged.
Yesterday we talked about decision making and how we spend our time. There was much talk of how easy it is to get caught up with a cause and then discover that not only are we unable to change the issue, but that time that could have been spend well elsewhere has been gobbled up in stress and worry.
We also touched on the idea that as we get older (average age in the group is 40) we become so much better - we hope - at being able to make decisions based on a bigger picture. The job that seemed the be-all-and-end-all at 30 is now simply a stepping stone to the future. The study we always wanted to complete seems less, or more, important.
We decided that the key was to identify the things that were of value. Sometimes the thing that is of value is doing nothing, or eating too much chocolate, or whiling a day away with a book. And other times its being really focused on a task or project or cause. What counts is giving each thing the credit it deserves. Not feeling guilty about how much energy it takes, but also knowing when it is time to say ''enough!!"'.
Yes, it's about having the emotional intelligence to recognise what motivates us - or demotivates us. Paralysis by analysis is rooted in fear not an inability to make decisions. sometimes, we decided, you simply have to make a decision and go with it. And then be brave enough to change course if it doesn't work out. Or admit it wasn't a great decision and move on. Or, wonder of wonders, enjoy the success of actually acting on your decisions.
Sure everything we do involves risk. That's the trade off for stepping out and following hearts and dreams.
What decisions are you facing right now? Are the big, important, small, still important?
Are you brave enough to feel the fear and do it anyway?
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
for the love of Books!
I remember discovering books and reading at a very young age, and being one of the regular customers at the library. The thrill of moving from ''baby books'' to readers. And then to the non fiction, and Young Adults section, long before I was even close to being a Young Adult. The Library of my childhood was a very old building with impossibly high shelves (or so it seemed to me), complete with movable ladders in the aisles. I visited every week, and would take home a huge pile of books, always returned read from cover to cover. I dreamed of becoming a librarian, just so I could be in there with all those books, every day.
I have been trying, with very little success, to encourage the Dancing Queen to read more. I've tried all kinds of books. We've bought them, borrowed them, recycled them. I've even offered her glossy magazines. but within a few minutes she is disinterested. She says reading is ''boring'' and no matter what the subject, so far I have found nothing to really capture her interest.
As a consummate bookworm myself this is frustrating. I believe in the power of books, because I love to read. But I think for her, not helped by some literacy challenges, reading will always be a chore rather than a pleasure.
There's a line in the movie 'Pretty Woman'' where Edward Lewis is talking about opera. He says
"People's reactions to opera the first time they see it is very dramatic; they either love it or they hate it. If they love it, they will always love it. If they don't, they may learn to appreciate it, but it will never become part of their soul.""
Yes it's a corny quote from a corny movie. But I think there's a kernel of truth in there.
I have been trying, with very little success, to encourage the Dancing Queen to read more. I've tried all kinds of books. We've bought them, borrowed them, recycled them. I've even offered her glossy magazines. but within a few minutes she is disinterested. She says reading is ''boring'' and no matter what the subject, so far I have found nothing to really capture her interest.
As a consummate bookworm myself this is frustrating. I believe in the power of books, because I love to read. But I think for her, not helped by some literacy challenges, reading will always be a chore rather than a pleasure.
There's a line in the movie 'Pretty Woman'' where Edward Lewis is talking about opera. He says
"People's reactions to opera the first time they see it is very dramatic; they either love it or they hate it. If they love it, they will always love it. If they don't, they may learn to appreciate it, but it will never become part of their soul.""
Yes it's a corny quote from a corny movie. But I think there's a kernel of truth in there.
Monday, March 19, 2012
the cat came back
The little engineer got a cat for his birthday. That was about 6 weeks ago, and after stressing inside for 3 days, she scarpered and was not seen for 2 weeks, other than a flash of tail leaving the food bowl.
After a couple of more weeks she could be seen at the neighbours place but was given to disappearing as soon as we got near her.
Last week she deemed it suitable to come and look for food whilst we were in the house, but was still not fussed about being touched other than a quick pat.
Finally this week she allowed me to pick her up and the children to pet her. And tonight, wonder of wonders, she is inside for the first time.
It's a lesson in patience and trust. A confused cat, being rehomed from city to country, took a long time to be able to trust her new environment and people. A little boy who fell in love with her the first time he saw her, and has waited patiently every day for 6 weeks for her to come to him.
Now, she's asleep on his bunk bed. The little engineer is beside himself with joy - finally his much wanted pet is actually his pet.
After a couple of more weeks she could be seen at the neighbours place but was given to disappearing as soon as we got near her.
Last week she deemed it suitable to come and look for food whilst we were in the house, but was still not fussed about being touched other than a quick pat.
Finally this week she allowed me to pick her up and the children to pet her. And tonight, wonder of wonders, she is inside for the first time.
It's a lesson in patience and trust. A confused cat, being rehomed from city to country, took a long time to be able to trust her new environment and people. A little boy who fell in love with her the first time he saw her, and has waited patiently every day for 6 weeks for her to come to him.
Now, she's asleep on his bunk bed. The little engineer is beside himself with joy - finally his much wanted pet is actually his pet.
Friday, March 16, 2012
the principal principle
...or should that be the principle principal?
I've been thinking some more about the things that I think might define me as a person. I'm often going on about Energy Integrity Kindness as being the ''three legged stool'' (to copy a currently popular facilitator-speak term). I use these words to describe both myself - and what I think is important, and also the things I value most highly in others.
As well as that there's the words that are shaping my year this year - Boundaries, Priorities, Deliberate. Deciding what I think is okay and how far I will go with that (or not), what's important (or not) and what I will make a balanced and purposeful effort to achieve (or not).
I've been using the word ''principle'' a lot lately too. It all sounds a bit moral highground-like but really what I am doing is putting together my three legs, and my three year-words, and summing them up in one statement. It's more than just values, morals or beliefs, although all those things fit in there somewhere. It's about thinking and acting on the things that really matter to me, whether they fit with mainstream thinking or not. The things that ''sit'' with me and feel right.
What words are important to you? Could you describe what is important to you in just a couple of words? Do you have boundaries already in place? How good are you at working within them?
I've been thinking some more about the things that I think might define me as a person. I'm often going on about Energy Integrity Kindness as being the ''three legged stool'' (to copy a currently popular facilitator-speak term). I use these words to describe both myself - and what I think is important, and also the things I value most highly in others.
As well as that there's the words that are shaping my year this year - Boundaries, Priorities, Deliberate. Deciding what I think is okay and how far I will go with that (or not), what's important (or not) and what I will make a balanced and purposeful effort to achieve (or not).
I've been using the word ''principle'' a lot lately too. It all sounds a bit moral highground-like but really what I am doing is putting together my three legs, and my three year-words, and summing them up in one statement. It's more than just values, morals or beliefs, although all those things fit in there somewhere. It's about thinking and acting on the things that really matter to me, whether they fit with mainstream thinking or not. The things that ''sit'' with me and feel right.
What words are important to you? Could you describe what is important to you in just a couple of words? Do you have boundaries already in place? How good are you at working within them?
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
renovations
After three weeks of chaos, my renovations are almost complete.
Actually that is a vast overstatement - actually I am almost at the stage where the builder leaves, and I get in the plasterer (ick), the plumber and electrician, and start clearing up the mess in the yard.
I am really looking forward to getting my house back, that is true, but the upheaval has not been quite as awful as I thought it might have been.I have been completely impressed with all the tradesmen that have been in the house in the last few weeks. They have (almost) always turned up on time. They get on with what has to be done. They have cleaned up their mess at the end of each day. Apart from the fact that I have had no kitchen, and then latterly, no toilet or bathroom, in the house, I would hardly have know they were here...
Actually that is a vast overstatement - actually I am almost at the stage where the builder leaves, and I get in the plasterer (ick), the plumber and electrician, and start clearing up the mess in the yard.
I am really looking forward to getting my house back, that is true, but the upheaval has not been quite as awful as I thought it might have been.I have been completely impressed with all the tradesmen that have been in the house in the last few weeks. They have (almost) always turned up on time. They get on with what has to be done. They have cleaned up their mess at the end of each day. Apart from the fact that I have had no kitchen, and then latterly, no toilet or bathroom, in the house, I would hardly have know they were here...
Sunday, March 11, 2012
management material
I had a catch up today with an ex-employee of mine. We've both since left the company, although she only recently, and me ten years ago, so it was interesting to compare notes about how things have changed (or not) in that time.
She commented that part of her reason for leaving was her continued dissatisfaction at being asked to do work delegated by her Manager, which was widely known to be expected to be delivered BY the manager not her direct reports. This included a fair amount of community involvement and public speaking. It would seem the manager never had a particular gift for this and would pass it on at every opportunity.
It got me wondering about how well businesses manage transition and change in a role, when the same people are still holding the position. Particularly at management level when prior experience is hard to replace or acquite at short notice. Is it fair to expect a person employed, say, to be a processor, to evolve into a salesperson? Large businesses are particularly good at changing the key performances indicators in a job without a whole lot of thought going into whether the incumbent is actually right for the job. It creates a whole lot of work upskilling or coaching, or having to deal with an underperforming or unhappy staff member (few if any simply retrench or release the people that no longer suit).
In my years of recruitment I have always looked at ''fit'' first. Will this person fit in to the existing team, the work environment and the customer expectation models. Then I look at their qualifications and experience. And one of the key attributes has got to be flexibility and openness to change - because these days, few jobs stay the same for very long.
If you are looking for staff, or are looking for a new job yourself, how flexible are you? If the role changed within a year or two, would you be able to adjust, or would you be back in the job market?
She commented that part of her reason for leaving was her continued dissatisfaction at being asked to do work delegated by her Manager, which was widely known to be expected to be delivered BY the manager not her direct reports. This included a fair amount of community involvement and public speaking. It would seem the manager never had a particular gift for this and would pass it on at every opportunity.
It got me wondering about how well businesses manage transition and change in a role, when the same people are still holding the position. Particularly at management level when prior experience is hard to replace or acquite at short notice. Is it fair to expect a person employed, say, to be a processor, to evolve into a salesperson? Large businesses are particularly good at changing the key performances indicators in a job without a whole lot of thought going into whether the incumbent is actually right for the job. It creates a whole lot of work upskilling or coaching, or having to deal with an underperforming or unhappy staff member (few if any simply retrench or release the people that no longer suit).
In my years of recruitment I have always looked at ''fit'' first. Will this person fit in to the existing team, the work environment and the customer expectation models. Then I look at their qualifications and experience. And one of the key attributes has got to be flexibility and openness to change - because these days, few jobs stay the same for very long.
If you are looking for staff, or are looking for a new job yourself, how flexible are you? If the role changed within a year or two, would you be able to adjust, or would you be back in the job market?
Monday, March 05, 2012
Amazing grace
From dictionary.com:
verb (used with object)
Last year I read a book called ''What's so Amazing about Grace''. It's written largely for a Christian audience however has life lessons that can be applied to all people. It challenged me about a lot of misconceptions I was brought up to believe, and continue to cling to, and highlighted the fact that I am far quicker to judge or condemn than to extend grace.
By definition, grace is a beautiful thing. It should make something better than it might have been. It's a positive word in my view, and suggests generosity and non-judgement. But it also says ''control'' to me. A graceful dancer is a pleasure to watch not least because every single movement is deliberate and certain. A gracious host shows magnanimity and kindness but within the bounds of good taste and manners.
I've had occasion recently to be in a position of having to really work hard at being gracious. I'm having to remind myself every day that no matter how wronged I feel, it is not my job to judge someone for their actions. To me grace is about kindness with strong boundaries. Generosity with sane limits. Love with out expectation, but also without martyrdom.
What does extending grace mean to you?
verb (used with object)
14.
to lend or add grace to; adorn: Many fine paintings graced therooms of the house. Synonyms: embellish, beautify, deck,decorate, ornament; enhance, honor. Antonyms: disfigure,desecrate, demean.
15.
to favor or honor: to grace an occasion with one's presence.Synonyms: glorify, elevate, exalt. Antonyms: disrespect,dishonor.
Last year I read a book called ''What's so Amazing about Grace''. It's written largely for a Christian audience however has life lessons that can be applied to all people. It challenged me about a lot of misconceptions I was brought up to believe, and continue to cling to, and highlighted the fact that I am far quicker to judge or condemn than to extend grace.
By definition, grace is a beautiful thing. It should make something better than it might have been. It's a positive word in my view, and suggests generosity and non-judgement. But it also says ''control'' to me. A graceful dancer is a pleasure to watch not least because every single movement is deliberate and certain. A gracious host shows magnanimity and kindness but within the bounds of good taste and manners.
I've had occasion recently to be in a position of having to really work hard at being gracious. I'm having to remind myself every day that no matter how wronged I feel, it is not my job to judge someone for their actions. To me grace is about kindness with strong boundaries. Generosity with sane limits. Love with out expectation, but also without martyrdom.
What does extending grace mean to you?
Thursday, March 01, 2012
Be Natural Manuka Honey and Spice clusters
I belong to a fantastic blogging community of mothers. There's hundreds of blogs and topics and always something thought provoking to mull on.
Recently we were invited to take part in a taste test for a new cereal being launched onto the New Zealand market.
Be Natural is an Australian brand but their products sit quite nicely alongside the Kiwi counterparts on the shelf - but with some quite unique differences.
The first thing to stand out is the packaging - natural cardboard box with no gaudy colours or pictures, this looks completely different to the other cereals right off the bat. Clearly it is designed to say ''healthy'' and environmentally friendly. On closer inspection there's a statement on the side of the box - this is made from recycled cardboard, and the company tell us they are partnered with Landcare Australia. I like that.
The proof is in the eating though, so I sell the idea to the chidlren that they are part of a special group of testers (not cereal eaters, my two) and they enthusiastically view the bowls in front of them, telling me it looks'' yummy''. So far so good.
Unfortunately both children were unexcited about it after the first couple of mouthfuls - The dancing queen claiming it was too spicy (she has zero tolerance for cinnamon) and the little engineer less than thrilled with the bran flakes.
I loved it. It has a chai latte kind of quality that I really enjoyed (I guess that's the cardamom) and therefore a more sophisticated flavour than most honey based cereals. I'm not a fan of milk on cereal and so ate it fairly dry but that was fine too and it didn't stick the roof as my mouth as muesli style cereals are apt to do.
I'm also not really one for checking nutritional content on cereal - as long as it's not too sugar or salt laden I'm happy - mainly because to get any breakfast into my family is a win on the day. That said, I was happy with the contents and liked the variety of grains on offer. The pumpkin seeds are a nice touch too, adding a bit of colour and variety of texture.
Would I buy this again? Absolutely - and I look forward to trying another flavour in the range.
Be Natural Manuka Honey and Spice clusters
I belong to a fantastic blogging community of mothers. There's hundreds of blogs and topics and always something thought provoking to mull on.
Recently we were invited to take part in a taste test for a new cereal being launched onto the New Zealand market.
Be Natural is an Australian brand but their products sit quite nicely alongside the Kiwi counterparts on the shelf - but with some quite unique differences.
The first thing to stand out is the packaging - natural cardboard box with no gaudy colours or pictures, this looks completely different to the other cereals right off the bat. Clearly it is designed to say ''healthy'' and environmentally friendly. On closer inspection there's a statement on the side of the box - this is made from recycled cardboard, and the company tell us they are partnered with Landcare Australia. I like that.
The proof is in the eating though, so I sell the idea to the chidlren that they are part of a special group of testers (not cereal eaters, my two) and they enthusiastically view the bowls in front of them, telling me it looks'' yummy''. So far so good.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
b-hap's (big hairy audacious prayers)
This morning, while randomly trawling through radio stations in the car, I heard a bit of a segment on Radio Rhema (yeah AM I know...). It was a talk by well known preacher Tak Bhana on a show called 'Running with Fire''. The essential message was that Christians need to be braver when asking God for 'the big things.''. He spoke of how people become disheartened when they ask God for something and don't get it, but that we simply need to have more faith and keep asking. He cited an example of needing an extremely large sum of money - he asked God for it, and there it was.
Now I'm the first person to admire someone for such faith. And to agree that there are times that we shrink our view of God to such an extent that we might not believe he is capable of what we ask Him for.
But to hear that I just needed to be more faith-full, and to keep asking for bigger, more amazing things? Well that makes me uncomfortable. Not because I don't believe God isn't capable of giving our hearts desire. But because it's all a bit close to the prosperity theology that has been popular of late.
Sure ask God for big things. Believe that he is able to give them. But don't think of his as a magician, able to conjure up all that you want, just because you asked for it.
Now I'm the first person to admire someone for such faith. And to agree that there are times that we shrink our view of God to such an extent that we might not believe he is capable of what we ask Him for.
But to hear that I just needed to be more faith-full, and to keep asking for bigger, more amazing things? Well that makes me uncomfortable. Not because I don't believe God isn't capable of giving our hearts desire. But because it's all a bit close to the prosperity theology that has been popular of late.
Sure ask God for big things. Believe that he is able to give them. But don't think of his as a magician, able to conjure up all that you want, just because you asked for it.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
human nature
“It's really a wonder that I haven't dropped all my ideals, because they seem so absurd and impossible to carry out. Yet I keep them, because in spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart.”
― Anne Frank, The Diary of a Young Girl
Up until very recently I subscribed to the Anne Frank view of life. I want to believe that despite it all, we human beings are decent people. That we are fundamentally ''good''.
Unfortunately recent events are leading me to re-evaluate that opinion. A person who is extremely close to me has been badly deceived by someone she trusted. It's not important to go into the details, but suffice to say, her belief in the goodness of mankind has been somewhat shaken too, and I'm seeing the after effects and pain that results from the deception.
And so I've changed my perspective. I still hold the belief that human beings have the potential to be good. That we have an underlying drive for self preservation and also for the preservation of each other, and that includes upholding our core values. But I also think that maybe we have an equal potential to be ''bad''.
I am still not entirely convinced of the Christian theological position that we are all inherently evil and born that way. But I am becoming more and more sure that we have it within our selves to be sinful (to use a Christian term), or hurtful/selfish (to use a more humanist term).
And, I'm beginning to think that maybe it is not until we experience hurt ourselves, that we can shine the light on our own hurtful behaviours and take steps to change them.
This conclusion makes me sad. And even though I still have at the root of all this, the belief that every person is redeemable (there's another of those Christian explanations), and that no-one is irrecoverably broken, the fact that we are human makes us capable of harm without effort or even intention.
― Anne Frank, The Diary of a Young Girl
Up until very recently I subscribed to the Anne Frank view of life. I want to believe that despite it all, we human beings are decent people. That we are fundamentally ''good''.
Unfortunately recent events are leading me to re-evaluate that opinion. A person who is extremely close to me has been badly deceived by someone she trusted. It's not important to go into the details, but suffice to say, her belief in the goodness of mankind has been somewhat shaken too, and I'm seeing the after effects and pain that results from the deception.
And so I've changed my perspective. I still hold the belief that human beings have the potential to be good. That we have an underlying drive for self preservation and also for the preservation of each other, and that includes upholding our core values. But I also think that maybe we have an equal potential to be ''bad''.
I am still not entirely convinced of the Christian theological position that we are all inherently evil and born that way. But I am becoming more and more sure that we have it within our selves to be sinful (to use a Christian term), or hurtful/selfish (to use a more humanist term).
And, I'm beginning to think that maybe it is not until we experience hurt ourselves, that we can shine the light on our own hurtful behaviours and take steps to change them.
This conclusion makes me sad. And even though I still have at the root of all this, the belief that every person is redeemable (there's another of those Christian explanations), and that no-one is irrecoverably broken, the fact that we are human makes us capable of harm without effort or even intention.
Friday, February 17, 2012
priorities and other stuff that's important
For the past day and a bit I have been at a training conference for my one my jobs. Yep, I have more than one. I have 4 in fact, and to date I have juggled them fairly successfully, as long as I work on a just-in-time model and largely operate in the ''important and urgent'' quadrant!
My new boss, only in the job a few weeks, and this was the first time he had met his team en masse, spoke this morning on the topic of priority. It was a devotional-focused session, and several times he said ''this is what I'm hearing/learning/having revealed to me. And each time that happened I thought ''me too''.
You see, I have been really considering if it is sustainable to get four (income producing) balls in the air. I'm worried that one thing is taking priority over another. That in fact some things don't get the priority they deserve. Including my family. My work includes after hours time on the phone or computer. The kids don't get that, even though the pay off is that I am home for them every day after school.
I arrived back to collect my children, being cared for by grandparents, after 18 hours of learning and discussion and very little sleep, and 2 1/2 hours on the motorway, to find my son ill. I didn't even take my shoes off and was straight to the hospital where I learned he had an infection in a cut on his foot which had turned septic and was making him quite ill. I had been checking the foot each day, but in a cursory way it must be said. And that kind of thing happens quickly. I was reassured by the Dr it was ''boy stuff'' and he was given a tetanus shot and some antibiotics. It gave me a fright.
This evening I realised again that I need to deliberate the issue thoroughly.And soon. And then be deliberate in my actions.
It's a tough question and one I know is demanding an answer of me and soon: what are your priorities and what do you need to do to get them in the right order? I've got a feeling that the answer is going to be a bit painful and uncomfortable to address. I know that I don't WANT to give up anything I do. But I also know that I NEED to in order to manage - no, honour, my priorities.
How about you? What are your priorities? Do you feel they get the time and attention they deserve?
My new boss, only in the job a few weeks, and this was the first time he had met his team en masse, spoke this morning on the topic of priority. It was a devotional-focused session, and several times he said ''this is what I'm hearing/learning/having revealed to me. And each time that happened I thought ''me too''.
You see, I have been really considering if it is sustainable to get four (income producing) balls in the air. I'm worried that one thing is taking priority over another. That in fact some things don't get the priority they deserve. Including my family. My work includes after hours time on the phone or computer. The kids don't get that, even though the pay off is that I am home for them every day after school.
I arrived back to collect my children, being cared for by grandparents, after 18 hours of learning and discussion and very little sleep, and 2 1/2 hours on the motorway, to find my son ill. I didn't even take my shoes off and was straight to the hospital where I learned he had an infection in a cut on his foot which had turned septic and was making him quite ill. I had been checking the foot each day, but in a cursory way it must be said. And that kind of thing happens quickly. I was reassured by the Dr it was ''boy stuff'' and he was given a tetanus shot and some antibiotics. It gave me a fright.
This evening I realised again that I need to deliberate the issue thoroughly.And soon. And then be deliberate in my actions.
It's a tough question and one I know is demanding an answer of me and soon: what are your priorities and what do you need to do to get them in the right order? I've got a feeling that the answer is going to be a bit painful and uncomfortable to address. I know that I don't WANT to give up anything I do. But I also know that I NEED to in order to manage - no, honour, my priorities.
How about you? What are your priorities? Do you feel they get the time and attention they deserve?
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
do i have sucker tattooed on my forehead?
So I've started my renovations. There's been a flurry of tradesmen coming in and having a look about, sucking on their teeth, making vague noises about mess and fuss...and offering me completely outrageous quotes for the work I'm requesting to be done.
I hasten to add here that some of the tradesmen have been fantastic, spending lots of time talking through what it is I want, offering suggestions and following through with their promises.
But I am sure that the minute the slightly less honourable ones realise that I am a single woman, they see an opportunity to pull the wool. I can see it from their expressions...''ah someone who has no idea...here's an opportunity to make a bit extra"! Call me a cynic but I am sure that if there were a bloke lurking in the background they would be rather more exact with their pricing, and would spend less time talking about how much dust they are going to create and more on the details of what they are actually needing to do.
I'm a pretty independent kind of girl, heck up until recently I even owned my own chainsaw (I sold it because I just wasn't get the use of it...).
But I know my limitations and I also want to trust the people that come into my house to do the jobs I am not able to do. I just wish they'd treat me as if I had a few more clues than they think I have. In fact, why not treat me like a bloke. that'd work.
I hasten to add here that some of the tradesmen have been fantastic, spending lots of time talking through what it is I want, offering suggestions and following through with their promises.
But I am sure that the minute the slightly less honourable ones realise that I am a single woman, they see an opportunity to pull the wool. I can see it from their expressions...''ah someone who has no idea...here's an opportunity to make a bit extra"! Call me a cynic but I am sure that if there were a bloke lurking in the background they would be rather more exact with their pricing, and would spend less time talking about how much dust they are going to create and more on the details of what they are actually needing to do.
I'm a pretty independent kind of girl, heck up until recently I even owned my own chainsaw (I sold it because I just wasn't get the use of it...).
But I know my limitations and I also want to trust the people that come into my house to do the jobs I am not able to do. I just wish they'd treat me as if I had a few more clues than they think I have. In fact, why not treat me like a bloke. that'd work.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
the things we do for love
- stay up until midnight creating a birthday cake that we looks fantastic, get it out the next day and learn that it looks nothing like the birthday boy wanted...but he loves it anyway
- have a houseload of kids come and mess the place up, and eat me out of house and home
- spend $10k on a new bathroom because the tween spends way too much time in front of the mirror and it's driving the rest of us mad
- drive a 75km round trip to pick up a cat for a birthday present, only to have same cat run away and have to do the same trip the next day
- spend $40 on party food that will mostly likely end up on the deck or in the pigfood and not in the kids mouths
- spend hours and hours on a sausage sizzle raising money for kids hobbies
- lie awake worrying about said cat, and wondering how to explain if it doesn't come back
- consider getting another cat asap and trying to pass it off as it's twin....
- have a houseload of kids come and mess the place up, and eat me out of house and home
- spend $10k on a new bathroom because the tween spends way too much time in front of the mirror and it's driving the rest of us mad
- drive a 75km round trip to pick up a cat for a birthday present, only to have same cat run away and have to do the same trip the next day
- spend $40 on party food that will mostly likely end up on the deck or in the pigfood and not in the kids mouths
- spend hours and hours on a sausage sizzle raising money for kids hobbies
- lie awake worrying about said cat, and wondering how to explain if it doesn't come back
- consider getting another cat asap and trying to pass it off as it's twin....
Thursday, February 09, 2012
little boxes made of ticky tacky
Today I went to a new part of town. It's a sprawling subdivision following on from another sprawling subdivision which is an extension of another area of subdivision to the north of the city.
The house I visited was gorgeous - all modern lines and a fancy kitchen and designer garden. But there were some things about the neighbourhood that made me feel, well, frankly uneasy.
Row after row after row of identical houses, with ''neighbour friendly'' fencing on each sides. Tiny sections. Long roads with little planting and no hills or dales to break the monotony. Brick and tile as far as the I could see. Big garage doors are the feature that face the road. And they weren't cheap. The signs I saw advertised houses ready to be bought for upwards of $400k.
It took a full ten minutes of driving on a wide new road to get back to the main street, and a further 20 minutes across mad traffic to get to the outskirts of the city. There were no pedestrians to be seen, let alone people walking dogs, or pushing prams. No kids on bikes. No one in their garden watering the plants. Barely a house with a window open in fact.
I came back to my sleepy village, where every house is different and people live their lives in their gardens - which are as much at the front of the house as the back. Where kids of as young as 6 or 7 walk and bike to school. Where there is always at least one person walking their dog. Where there are stiles over the fences between neighbouring houses for easy ''kid access''. Where I can go for three or four days without getting the car out of the garage.
Perhaps sprawling developments with pristine housing is the way forward. No doubt if you live in such a place you would say it has appeal and attractions. Low maintenance. Public transport. New water and power systems. Modern facilities.
Where I am there's a few tatty bits. It can be noisy with all those kids and dogs about. :) There's always someone passing by to stop and talk to. There's trees that shed leaves on the lawn. The odd dodgy hole in the paths and roads. There's no bus. I have a septic tank because theirs no public sewerage system.
But I wouldn't have it any other way.
The house I visited was gorgeous - all modern lines and a fancy kitchen and designer garden. But there were some things about the neighbourhood that made me feel, well, frankly uneasy.
Row after row after row of identical houses, with ''neighbour friendly'' fencing on each sides. Tiny sections. Long roads with little planting and no hills or dales to break the monotony. Brick and tile as far as the I could see. Big garage doors are the feature that face the road. And they weren't cheap. The signs I saw advertised houses ready to be bought for upwards of $400k.
It took a full ten minutes of driving on a wide new road to get back to the main street, and a further 20 minutes across mad traffic to get to the outskirts of the city. There were no pedestrians to be seen, let alone people walking dogs, or pushing prams. No kids on bikes. No one in their garden watering the plants. Barely a house with a window open in fact.
I came back to my sleepy village, where every house is different and people live their lives in their gardens - which are as much at the front of the house as the back. Where kids of as young as 6 or 7 walk and bike to school. Where there is always at least one person walking their dog. Where there are stiles over the fences between neighbouring houses for easy ''kid access''. Where I can go for three or four days without getting the car out of the garage.
Perhaps sprawling developments with pristine housing is the way forward. No doubt if you live in such a place you would say it has appeal and attractions. Low maintenance. Public transport. New water and power systems. Modern facilities.
Where I am there's a few tatty bits. It can be noisy with all those kids and dogs about. :) There's always someone passing by to stop and talk to. There's trees that shed leaves on the lawn. The odd dodgy hole in the paths and roads. There's no bus. I have a septic tank because theirs no public sewerage system.
But I wouldn't have it any other way.
Monday, February 06, 2012
hugs not drugs
I had bumped into a friend in the supermarket yesterday. I don't see him very often, and he greeted me (in the queue) with a great bear hug.
Today he came by my house for a proper catch up, and again his visit started and ended with a hug. He's a spiritual kind of guy, and we talked a lot about ''that kind of stuff''. In fact, we got onto the subject of touch, as he is a healer, but in particular where it fits when you're around people not well known to you.
I mentioned that although part of work takes me into "corporate world" it is not uncommon for me to hug the people I meet. He works in a trade, and says he often hugs his customers as he leaves his house.
Now this might sound kind of strange to the less tactile among us, but I reflected on the idea of touch further today and decided that it had become part of the way I do things - and how much I wish more people connected in this way. I understand that there are places, and times, and people where it's not appropriate - but for me, touch is an important way of communicating. And too many people are starved on safe, non-sexual touch.
I'll admit it. I love hugs. I love being enveloped by someone I feel safe with. I love being able to hug my friends. Touch is not my primary love language (more on that here) but it sure rates up there! (Cuddles are great too...but that's not what I'm talking about here.:))
In a busy world there is often little chance to even to stop and talk, let alone take the time to physically - and by association, spiritually or emotionally - connect with the people we come across. Imagine what a changed world we would live in if this were done differently.
Idealistic? Probably. A bit kooky? Possibly. Life-changing? Definitely.
Today he came by my house for a proper catch up, and again his visit started and ended with a hug. He's a spiritual kind of guy, and we talked a lot about ''that kind of stuff''. In fact, we got onto the subject of touch, as he is a healer, but in particular where it fits when you're around people not well known to you.
I mentioned that although part of work takes me into "corporate world" it is not uncommon for me to hug the people I meet. He works in a trade, and says he often hugs his customers as he leaves his house.
Now this might sound kind of strange to the less tactile among us, but I reflected on the idea of touch further today and decided that it had become part of the way I do things - and how much I wish more people connected in this way. I understand that there are places, and times, and people where it's not appropriate - but for me, touch is an important way of communicating. And too many people are starved on safe, non-sexual touch.
I'll admit it. I love hugs. I love being enveloped by someone I feel safe with. I love being able to hug my friends. Touch is not my primary love language (more on that here) but it sure rates up there! (Cuddles are great too...but that's not what I'm talking about here.:))
In a busy world there is often little chance to even to stop and talk, let alone take the time to physically - and by association, spiritually or emotionally - connect with the people we come across. Imagine what a changed world we would live in if this were done differently.
Idealistic? Probably. A bit kooky? Possibly. Life-changing? Definitely.
Friday, February 03, 2012
the power of choice
My eldest child is extremely strong-willed. There's no getting away from it, or prettying it up - she's liked being in charge, and getting her own way. Believe me it causes some challenges and some grief - not least because her mother is kind of the same....
She understands that I'm the head of the house (well, most of the time she does...) and she accepts that there are going to be decisions made that she's not necessarily going to like. But one of the things I've learned over the past few years (the hard way, mostly) is that things go a whole lot more smoothly in our house when she feels like she has some control over the things going on in her life. She's barely 9, but I am conscious that she is wanting to feel some independence.
So I have started allowing her some choice. She can choose what to wear - made easier because I decide what is in her wardrobe in the first place so there's nothing inappropriate. This is a biggie as at times she would happily wear a fur coat in summer and a t-shirt in winter. Sometimes I have to bite my tongue... :) She can choose what to eat for lunch, as long as I vet the lunchbox before it goes in the school bag. She can choose where to sit at the dinner table. Whether to bike or walk to school. Whether to read or draw before bed. How her hair is done and when it gets washed (my only requirement is once a week, she picks when).
I've also starting allowing some small freedoms. Choosing lights-out time (within reason). Going for a bike ride on her own. Using the phone. Some screen time playing games she wants to play rather than for homework.
It seems like small stuff - in fact it IS small stuff, but it has gone a long way to making her feel like she is part of the decision making in our house.
And that has made for a happier household.
She understands that I'm the head of the house (well, most of the time she does...) and she accepts that there are going to be decisions made that she's not necessarily going to like. But one of the things I've learned over the past few years (the hard way, mostly) is that things go a whole lot more smoothly in our house when she feels like she has some control over the things going on in her life. She's barely 9, but I am conscious that she is wanting to feel some independence.
So I have started allowing her some choice. She can choose what to wear - made easier because I decide what is in her wardrobe in the first place so there's nothing inappropriate. This is a biggie as at times she would happily wear a fur coat in summer and a t-shirt in winter. Sometimes I have to bite my tongue... :) She can choose what to eat for lunch, as long as I vet the lunchbox before it goes in the school bag. She can choose where to sit at the dinner table. Whether to bike or walk to school. Whether to read or draw before bed. How her hair is done and when it gets washed (my only requirement is once a week, she picks when).
I've also starting allowing some small freedoms. Choosing lights-out time (within reason). Going for a bike ride on her own. Using the phone. Some screen time playing games she wants to play rather than for homework.
It seems like small stuff - in fact it IS small stuff, but it has gone a long way to making her feel like she is part of the decision making in our house.
And that has made for a happier household.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)