feeling special

One of the many hats I wear is that of coach.  As part of this,  I do business coaching for micro-businesses (that's the little ácorn' businesses of just one or two people)

I've been doing this for almost 15 years, and worked with literally hundreds of people with great ideas, lots of passion, often plenty of drive and commitment and usually not much money.
Many businesses have done well, and many haven't.
There are just a handful of reasons, I think, why some manage to stay (more than afloat) and go on to become successful.
- the first is that the business owner has a real vision of where they want to be with their business.
- the second is that they have a commitment to that success.  including down the boundaries for what they will and will not do to make this happen.
- the third is they really understand where their skills, and passion lie.

But one of the standout reasons that these businesses manage to keep their customers coming back time and time again?
They treat their customers like individuals.  As a small business they know that the personal touch is what separates them from the big corporates.  In fact that's often their only difference - the product, the margins and prices, even the service standards could well be the same.  But these people KNOW their customers.

They make friends of their customers, understanding them in a way that a large company just cannot do.
They listen, and act, (intentionally and wisely) on the feedback of their customers.  The customers believe that they are cared about and valued.

It can be difficult to maintain boundaries for small business owners - and this is a fine line, especially in a business centred on hospitality or wellbeing.  The successful businessowner finds and keeps this boundary, all the while embracing the unique position they play in the customers lives.  They go the extra mile, they consider each business decision in light of what is already working well in their business with their most consistent and loyal customers.

And, in turn, these customers will, and do, become loyal for life.  They will spend  more money, for a whole lot less effort than the owner might have to make to attract a new customer.  They will tell their friends.  They are often far more willing to offer feedback, both positive and negative, than the customer of a corporate.

They feel special.

the quest for simplicity

As you know, I'm all for keeping things simple.
That means having less stuff - physical stuff, mental stuff, emotional stuff, even spiritual stuff.
It also means being intentional about the things, people, experiences, that accumulate going forward.

But I wonder - can this go a step too far?

http://guynameddave.com/100-thing-challenge/ is all about really paring down your possessions.  But I think he's missed a pretty crucial point.
 Sure we only need one chair to sit on.  We only need a one-person sized bed.  We really only need one knife and fork for that matter.

The argument goes, according to Dave and his ilk, that when one lives a transitory life (the roving author, the travel guide et al), one can manage with the contents of their backpack.  So good so far.
But the reality is that for most of us, we need a place to call home.  We can't afford to live in hotels.  In fact we probably have no desire to do so.  So that even if we only own 100 things (and this guy takes some poetic licence with that concept), we are still going to need to use a whole lot more than that.

Which means, doesn't it, that we will need to borrow those things from someone else? Whether that be by way of renting them, making use of public ones (hardly likely in the event of a bed or dining table!), or using the ones currently owned by others, we still can't get away from the fact that someday, somewhere, we are going to need more than those 100 things.

And whilst the idea of 'where-ever I lay my hat'' may sound appealing I think it has left out one really REALLY important consideration.

And that is, what about people?  The best way to nurture those we love is to spend time with them.  Which mostly means real human contact - consistently and constantly.  Not so easy when you live out of a suitcase.  The novelty of perching on someones single bed, eating every meal out of the same bowl is going to wear off pretty quick (trust me, I've been there!).  I accept that hospitality is about people not places, but transit lounges and cafes are not sustainable when it comes to building trust and longevity into a relationship of any kind.


Sure, have as little 'stuff'as possible.  Strive to be kind to the earth.  Be responsible with money.  Think how much more time you will have with less things to be concerned about.  But don't make the mistake of paring your relationships down to the bare minimum too.  Because they really can't survive on next to nothing.

count your blessings

I applied for another job this week.  The upside - a better career path, more variety, more income.  the downside, more hours, more compromise on family, more time in the car.  So why did I apply? Not because I don't like what I do now, not because I am eager to pursue a new career. No, it is because the lure of more money is very attractive.  Now that's not to say that I wouldn't spend that money wisely, but the reality is that the extra income would most likely end up being largely redirected into the 'more of' category.


I heard this today:
Counting blessings helps us want less


One of the themes I keep coming back to in this blog is definitely simplicity, and so this really resounded with me.

It is so easy to want more, to be forever looking for more stuff, more experiences, more satisfaction...which of course is largely a fruitless exercise.  but not so easy to find a real (and simple) antidote to all this want.

I think there's nothing wrong with aspiring for a 'better'life, for having goals and dreams and ambitions.  The problem comes when we lose sight of the important things that we already have.   I'm talking about more than those basic first world commodities like clean water and medical care.  Starting by simply thinking about all the abundance in our lives - our families, friends, assets, depth of experience, reminds us that really, we want for little.  And, by and large, we have everything we need.


It's about the richness that our lives offer - the music, the books, the ease of access to the outdoors, the amazing technology that allows us to so easily connect to the rest of the world.  The relationships we start, grow, and nourish.  The small pleasures of each day spent with the people we value most.

It takes conscious effort that's for sure.  sometimes it's hard! I am the first to admit I get twingey when I see friends with things, experiences, relationships, that I want for myself.

And so back i need to go to my list.

Count your blessings, and want for less.  Yes, that works for me.

was it something I said?

I've got an underdeveloped skill of not taking things personally.
Yep, I'm the one that hears a comment and spends way too much time analysing it.
I'm the one who feels wounded when it had nothing to do with me.


So when I make a new friend and then the friendship kind of...dwindles...i can't help but think...is it me?

The logical response, is of course: don't be ridiculous. that person is probably busy/distracted/oblivious.

So far so good.

But then it happens again.

Manners maketh the man (or woman...)...let's see...

And then last week I had a particularly unpleasant exchange with a stranger. Which included, the second time I met her, me saying, oh I'm SURE I know you, you look so familiar.  And her responding: Well I certainly don't know YOU and last time I saw you no one bothered to introduce us so I just thought I wouldn't bother talking to you.

Which I didn't take personally - I mean, good grief, is that about me? I don't think so!

Until...

Tonight.

A woman whom I know slightly.  I say hello.  Offer a boring time of day greeting.  Compliment her on an event I attended that she had run.  She responds with, yes well I'm very pleased for you. Really I am.   I look flummoxed.   She walks off.
I notice she is rubbing her temples.  When I get the chance I go to her, say, oh are you ok, do you have a headache.  She response with a laugh.  Looks directly at me and says No! No I do not! Why would you think that!?  Explain about temples.  She responds: and what if I did, what would you be likely to do about it. I say, oh, maybe offer you a panadol?  She responds again: Well, I think I am quite capable to bringing my own thanks.  AND I am not here to chat you know. I have had a hard week.'' (((me, thinking ffs it's Monday!!!!))).

I know I shouldn't let it bother me.  I know it's about her.
But honestly?
It's put me off ever returning to that place.  I don't need to be around that kind of rubbish.
And twice in a week.
Forget it.

the window in my diary

I applied for another job yesterday.
It's just part time, like the others. It will probably pay pretty badly, like the others.  It will no doubt require a fair amount of juggling and creativity to get completed, much like the others.

But, it's also during term time. It's working with kids.  It's flexible hours.  It involves me getting out and about (rather than stuck in the office as oft I am).  And so I reckon there's a few small windows in my diary that could easily be filled with income earning, productive activity.

When I updated my C.V. I was almost surprised to read that I'm actually probably quite an attractive candidate (sheesh pity the boys out there couldn't see that aye!)...I have the skills and experience that's required -although not the formal qualifications - and already have good industry contacts and connections.

So, you may ask, why am I mad enough to take on yet more work, when it would appear that my days are already full to bursting?

Well, the fact is, that I can't afford not to.  And while it really is tempting to dump ALL of these part time bits and go find one, simple, wellpaying, full time job, I just can't see how I could get any quality of life from that.  I want to be home for the children after school each day. I don't want to be arriving home at 5.30 on a cold and dark winter's night and then having to start dinner.  I don't want to be spending 90 minutes a day travelling to and from work.  I don't want to have to go and upgrade my wardrobe for office friendly clothes (let alone the extra time it takes to get ready in the morning).

I certainly don't want, at least while the children are young, to have to work through every school holiday, find care for them when they're sick, and miss all their important milestones and events at school.

Yes, it's a juggle with the $$$, and the time - to make sure every bit gets done well - but the payoffs are enormous.

From the outside my life appears to be already pretty frantic with work and family and those other commitments that eat up all the tape on my answerphone message, but actually I could easily fit a few more hours of something in.

I guess another upside of being disgustingly organised at home is that I spend a minimal amount of time on a 'to do around the house' list.  I get to spend lots of times doing the things I love.  

Besides, what would I do if I wasn't busy?

I'm in charge

Reflections on the benefits of working for myself....

- I get to decide when I start and stop work
- Because my office is at home I can wear my slippers to work
- I get to choose when my coffee break is
- the harder I work, the more I earn
- I get to fit my job around my life, rather than my life around my job
- I get to do the things I really love - reading, writing, meeting people, helping, advising, organising (!)
- If I need a day off, I can just take it (although it means working twice as hard the next day)
- I'm a great boss:)

the best fun you can have with your clothes on

This week I have been going to dancing lessons for 6 months.

I've been to 7 dance parties. One champs.  One workshop.  A couple of privates. About 35 group lessons at 3 different levels.

I've spent goodness-knows-how-much on i-tunes getting all the songs I love dancing to (ouch! and there's still more I want!)

I've been spun, dipped, dropped and seduced.  Lifted, twirled, draped and cuddled.
I can even look at the list of moves being taught and recognise some of them!
I have quite a collection of swirly skirts, and light, dancer friendly tops.  I've had a couple of errors of judgement - the dress that kept falling down (no more halter necks for this kid) and the one that turned out to be completely see through if I was too near the spotlights...
I've had the pleasure of dancing with most of the men I have wanted to dance with - and the dubious honour of a couple I was less than enthusiastic about.  There's still a couple on the list of 'dance with me's!' but I'm even getting brave enough to do the asking myself now.  I've even danced with some of the best in the country (poor things!)

I've danced with the shortest, the tallest, the slimmest, the fattest, the sweatiest, the best smelling and the cutest men ever to be found in one room.
I've been told to use more pressure, less pressure, go slower, go faster, concentrate more, concentrate less, get closer, move back, hang on and let go.
I've woken up aching all over.
I've found some wonderful new friends, both men and women,  from all walks of life, and got way better at small talk.
I've introduced my children to a new way of socialising, exercising and having fun,  and they too can't wait to learn.

I hear the music, see the lights, and my heart sings.



the best fun you can have with your clothes on

crossing the line

I've never been very good with boundaries.

Not that I'm one for pushing them, oh no, far from it.  But I do seem to have a special gift for letting others trample over mine.

I think I have an idea why too, and it's all to do with Gary Chapman.  I've talked before of his ideas about 'love languages' and how i believe that we can give in one language but prefer to receive in another.

I did his checklist again recently and my NO 1 language for receiving 'love'is words of affirmation.  I was kind of surprised by this - I mean, I thought I would much rather have had a cuddle....or a box of chocolates:).  But, there it is, and on reflection, I think it's probably accurate. (And it's also accurate that I'm not very good at giving those words back - much easier to offer a cuddle or a box of chocolates!)

So, I think that maybe this is related to my underdeveloped skill's of maintaining boundaries.  

Let me explain:

I'm not one who is used to getting compliments.  I find upward feedback, appraisals, performance reviews, and so on, excruciating.  although that's mainly because I dread the 'formative feedback'(or whatever other rubbish title we use to mask criticism).  You see, as much as I love getting words of affirmation, I loathe getting criticised.  Nothing makes me feel crappier than a casually tossed critique of my clothes/cooking/personality/parenting style.  And so obviously, nothing makes me sparkle more than a positive comment, a warm remark, a generous compliment.  Note carefully - nowhere is the word honest mentioned here.  Why? because I am, frankly, a bit gullible....I like those affirmations so much I have a terrible habit of tending to overlook their credibility or authenticity.  and in the same way that those unkind words can reduce me to a shiver, the kind ones can make me excuse or rationalise all kinds of behaviours!

Now, I'm not saying for a minute that I think people are switched on to this, and deliberately try to praise others for ill gotten gains.  I think most of us are genuine when we say good things about another.

I also don't think that putting up deliberate roadblocks is good either - way to easy to become cynical that way!

But, it's just way too easy to hear some good words, bask in the warmth of them, and then as a result see one's boundaries melt away into a murky puddle of good intention and vague regret.

How do you maintain boundaries? and what tempts you to push them - or let others over them?

Life is beautiful

Today was a great day. This week has been a great week. It has, in fact, been a great month.

I've been busy.  Reconnected with some old friends.  made some new ones.

I've worked hard, studied a little less.  Played, a lot.  Discovered some new things. Shared some triumphs and confidences, celebrated some milestones, set and even met some goals.

And now, I am on holiday. I am staying with family, spent time with one of my closest friends today, and this week have had some awesome time, and fantastic conversations, with some of my favourite people

I cooked an amazing dinner tonight (if i do say so myself!) and there was literally not even a breadcrumb left in the dish - everything demolished with gusto by those I prepared it for.

Today I walked on a beautiful beach, marvelled at the crazy waves and wind, collected shells with my children.  Drank good coffee.  Bought a new dress.  Completed a crossword.  Took a long and uninterrupted shower.  Watched comedy and laughed.  Watched a documentary and discussed it.

The 'bug'i was fighting is nearly gone.

I have even had a a couple of good nights sleep in the past two weeks.

Tomorrow I plan to go dancing.  And the next night (why not make it 4 times in one week I say!).

Life is good.

the straight line of life

I grew up with a certain expectation of how life was going to turn out - or at least how it OUGHT to be...

- be diligent at school, discover something i really liked doing and was good at

- make some nice friends, stay on the 'straight and narrow'in order to avoid the perceived dangers in the world

- get a good job, have a couple of nice hobbies

- travel a little, maybe live in a different culture

- fall in love, get married, buy a house, maybe have some children, live happily ever after

Well, I was pretty diligent at school, a bit of a geek who hung out in the music department and was hopeless at sports.  I had NICE friends who went to church every weekend, dated from within the youth group, and mostly, married their first love.

I got a great job, that paid well, (no university for this chick, way too scary!), and started travelling overseas on my own at only 16.

I had a nice boyfriend, a nice car, a nice job.

Life looked pretty good.  But I was BORED...stifled, sure there was some excitement to be had.

I went overseas again.  Had a couple of disastrous relationships with the 'wrong kind'' of  boys.  did some more travelling.  Fell in love.  Got a good job.  Got married.  Had a career.  Travelled some more. Moved to a gorgeous house in the country.   Had children.  

My marriage ended.  Hang on, that wasn't in the plan! 

This weekend marks three years for me of living in my own house, parenting alone.   the childrens father now has a very active part in their lives and is a great dad.  In fact he brought dinner here last night and we shared it together with the children.  In some ways we get on better, even parent more effectively, than when we were married.   the children were so young when it ended - only 1 and 4 at the time.  

In the past three years I have developed some wonderful friendships, thrown myself into my community,  found a job I love, settled into my life.  But most of what i did revolved around the children (as well it should).  I ventured into the mad world of second-time dating and relationships with spectacular non-success (I met some great people, even had my heart bruised a bit,  but no soul mate...yet!).  This year I started to step outside of my own life and try some new things.  It's made me more confident in myself, and helped me, in some ways, to re-find myself.  I've done some things that are completely out of my comfort zone, had totally new experiences, and tested some boundaries that I know now I have no wish to test again!

I feel like I know myself better than I ever have.  The stuff that's important, the values I want to hold on to, the kind of people and experiences I want to embrace.  My deal breakers.  (Ask me another time...)

This really isn't what i signed up for.  But even thought the line of of my life is rather more wiggly than lineal, I am managing to stay on it.  Mostly. 

“What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from.”

T.S. Eliot quotes (American born English Editor, Playwright, Poet and Critic, 1888-1965)

four seasons in one day

The weather has been incredible here over the past couple of weeks.

Fine one day, stormy the next, warm, cold, unpredictable.  

An early afternoon of sunshiney promise fast turning into a night of excitement - thunder, lightening and hail, and then, a nondescript who-knows kind of morning to follow.

Oh there were warning signs - that ominous grey cloud overhead, the uncanny stillness that often precedes a spectacular storm, the teasing rays of sun poking through the clouds each day, only to disappear in a flurry of rain, or wild wind.

And the aftermath?  Another weird combination of the inevitable and the unexpected.  The things I would expect be most damaged appear, on the surface at least, to have survived relatively unscathed.  The frost tender plants I am nurturing for spring have not been harmed at all.   The garden I look at everyday is worse for wear, but  will, no doubt, 'weather the storm', and in a few weeks be back to normal.  The longer lasting effects of such mad weather remain to be realised.

  

Seems to me the weather is like people...or is it that people are like the weather....subject to change, vulnerable to outside influences, and yet, at heart, both predictable and cyclic.

incentive based play

Stole an idea from a friend yesterday.
Went to the $2 shop and bought a bag of marbles.  put them in a jar in a visible spot in the kitchen.
Labelled two clear drinking glasses, one for each child.
Announced that for each time they did something on the FIRST ASK, WITHOUT COMPLAINING they would receive a marble in their glass.
Each marble is worth 10 cents.
At the end of each week the jar of marbles will be exchanged for real money.
so far so good, never had so many chores completed with so little fuss.
watch this space:)

quickeasycheaphealthy

http://quickeasycheaphealthy.com/2011/07/guest-post-the-herb-garden/

Today I'm guesting over here...go check it out!!!

free your mind! (and the rest will follow...)

I couldn't believe it - there in my news feed today, a blog I read has a post on simple thought (http://mnmlist.com/) - the very topic for this, part 3 of the 'stuff it!'series.

I made a decision about 10 years ago to stop drinking instant coffee. There were several reasons - one, I felt I was drinking too much coffee and figured if I cut out instant it would be more effort, and therefore less frequent, to drink espresso.  Secondly, it doesn't actually taste very nice. And thirdly, it quite appealed to me to have just that one option when it came to coffee.   I've refined that even more now and only ever drink plunger coffee at home, and a simple flat white when I'm out.  

I agree that it is good to try new things, and that there is pleasure and adventure in experimenting with new thoughts, tastes, experiences, - and that it is easy to get 'stuck' when doing the same things day in day out.  But the appeal of the simplicity of narrow choice holds great appeal for me too.  Again, not at the cost of being boring, or inflexible, but certainly for the freedom it affords.

For example, by just only ever drinking one kind of coffee, I like that I know what I'm going to get, I like that i don't have to umm and ahh in a shop.  I am scarcely an alcohol drinker, but invariably choose Pinot Noir - it goes with most things, I know what I'm getting, it takes away the umming and aahing!

I've simplified lots of things from the 'çonsumable"" part of my life (which of course still leaves plenty of room for adventure and experimentation elsewhere!).   The same brands of certain foods over and over again.  Makes for a quick shop!  The same petrol station, ditto.  I follow '"Trinny and Susannahs'" ( rules when shopping for clothes - boy does that make life simpler! http://www.bbc.co.uk/lifestyle/tv_and_radio/what_not_to_wear/whattowear_index.shtml

It's about being smart.  taking the boring, mind cluttering stuff away so that your time, thoughts and energies can be focused on the things you love.

Some other ideas I've heard of - always buying the same colour towels.  Deliberately avoiding newspapers and  (especially) glossy circulars - a right royal source of TMI if ever there was one!  Get rid of all your cookbooks bar the one or two you actually use all the time.  Put all bills on automatic payment/direct debit so that's one more thing that doesn't have to be thought about.  Paying everything by the week or fortnight can work too - as well as being able to budget better, there's no worrying about massive annual insurance or rates bills.

I've long held to the view (and obviously Oprah heard it from me...) that if you have lots of stuff in your physical life, it can be representative of the stuff in your spiritual/emotion life that needs sorting.  Conversely, having a sorted head (metaphorically speaking) may well show itself  as an orderly outer life.  (Yes this is a broad generalisation but I'm just putting it out there....)

And so, the fewer unnecessary decisions we need to make about trivial things on a day to day basis, the better i reckon!

I like mnmlist.  I love the idea of living simply.  I do my best and I reckon I'm doing an OK job (although there's always room for improvement...just keep away from my sock drawer....).

stuff it - part two

If you do a google search on 'clutter', there's something like 33 million results.'Tidy' brings up 52 million, and 'simplicity' a staggering 107 million.
So to write a blog myself on these very things, seems kind of...superfluous - almost like adding something else to the overloaded and excessive list that is already available.
But, here I am.
Today I visited a friend.  The house is like mine - ordered, calm, and although not large, is spacious feeling. It was lovely!
I reckon it has to be easier to live in space not stuff.  And yes, it takes time to keep my place the way it is, but I am convinced that it is LESS time than what it would take to clean a house that has double the furniture, double (or more)  the toys, and had piles (however neat) where ever I looked.
I can clean my house, top to bottom in a little over an hour.  That's vacuuming, dusting, cleaning the bathroom and kitchen,  changing bedlinen and towels.  I follow, kind of, www.flylady.net, although I was doing it before I discovered her (and I don't put out a new tea towel every day...).

So, due to popular demand (of at least, oh, one reader of this blog...) here is my list of tips for keeping the house clutter free and looking calm and orderly

10.  make the beds, right away, every day.  Drawing curtains, ditto.
9. make a rule about clothes - all things go in the laundry basket or are put away, right away, every day
8. there's a kid rule in this house: if it's found on the floor it is confiscated.  For ever. Only ever had to do it once.
7. do the dishes, right away, every day
6. use the same routine on cleaning day.  start in the same place each time, moving round the house in the same direction, every time.  this not only feels more efficient, it quickly becomes a rhythm. Clean every room in the same session, otherwise it will feel like it never gets done.  try and have a regular day or timeslot for cleaning. Have a cleaning box always ready so you're not rummaging for products, cloths etc.
5. Have regular purges (as per previous post).  Aim to do each room at least once a year. So in an average house that means a room is getting looked at every 8 weeks or so. Count the pantry, the linen cupboard and the garage as rooms too.
4. for every one thing that comes in to the house, something goes out.  whether it's clothes, linen, kitchen stuff, whatever
3. get in the habit of recycling, upcycling and donating.  Often.  I always have a box on the go!
2. have one, or two, designated dump spots in the house. Ideally not in regular view (IE not the kitchen bench or your dressing table!).  I have a table in the laundry where everything left by other people, or things to be taken out of the house, are always put.  I also have a 'safe place' - mine is a small kete on a shelf in the kitchen.  All little bits go in there - spare wheels from toy cars, extra keys, spare pens, anything very little that i find when I...
1. Do 'sweeps' around the house.  I was doing this long before i discovered it had a fancy name.  I do it about 3 times a day.  This is how it works:
- I always start in the same place, as per cleaning day. Moving through each room I pick up everything that's not in it's rightful place.  If it is out of place in the room it's put back.If it's from somewhere else - like say a hairbrush left on the kitchen bench, I pick it up and take it with me. By the time I've moved right round the houseI might have 7 or 8 things that all need returning elsewhere. Rarely is it more than this as I adhere to the other principals as much as I can during the day. And it's not difficult or time-consuming -   it takes 2 or 3 minutes tops each time.
I always always do a sweep before bed so that I come out to a tidy house in the morning.
And (almost) always before I leave the house each morning so I return to order too.

Now, these things might sound a bit detailed, pedantic, maybe even rather hard work, but this is how it works for me.  I've got the children in the habit,(although I do have to nag a bit about shoes around the place and toys left out!) and they too like being in tidy and ordered environments.

For me, I need the order in order to function! I simply can't concentrate or relax when there is chaos around me.  When I have a house full, which is often, I am happy to have things out of place of course. When the kids have friends over it often looks like the place has imploded.  But as soon as everyone is gone - yep I'm straight back into it!

Oh, and like the cartoon...just stop buying stuff....

virtually virtuous

I've been thinking about virtues this week.
There's been some discussion at the children's school about the value of 'religious education' (RE) during class time.  I've also been doing some reading about inclusive belief systems.
Seems to me that the bottom line here is that most people want their children to learn 'good values' - be that in the context of a belief system (IE religion), or as a more humanistic set of virtues.
When it comes to crisis, it doesn't seem to matter which set of spiritual beliefs, if any, that a person holds on to - what counts is the things they value - kindness, transparency, honesty, fairness, justice etc.

There's a whole programme being delivered in schools around the world, based on this (virtues project) and I really like the idea.  Now I am not against RE per Se' - how could I be, when some of the work I do is in ministry - but I tire of the concept of my kids learning 'bible stories' ad nauseum, rather than learning about things at a deeper level - and I do believe that even the youngest children have a sense of spirituality and we don't give them enough credit for this.

So, that brings me to this question: what really matters to me? is it a set of rules, a code of conduct, a belief in a particular dogma, or is it in fact, more about feeling a kinship to like minded people who subscribe to similar beliefs and values as me - all the while maintaining a real sense of what it is that I believe and stand by.

I have to be honest and say that my own 'belief structure' - for want of a better expression - does not fit within traditional boundaries.  I recently completed an absolutely fascinating on-line questionnaire at www.belief.net (BeliefOMatic) which sounds lighthearted but was actually a really challenging and revealing exercise.  I did it with a group and it really brought around some great discussion.

Above all, I value and honour.....truth and honesty -  always in love not judgement!, kindness and humility, fairness and ownership, and social responsibility.  I think that these things do fit into the 'spiritual' category even though they sound more like virtues.  Being aware of ones actions and reactions  means (or should mean) we can become more real, more authentic, more honest.

I fail miserably, a lot of the time, (i'm not nearly as virtuous as I appear to be:))...in fact I don't even want to call it failing - maybe it would be better to say it's all part of the succeeding!!!.  One day at a time. (just as well really!).    Living each moment fully but always with one eye on the future and watching to see where this path is taking me.

 

boys and girls come out to play

The dancing queen has a new best friend.  And that best friend happens to be a boy.  They draw together, play on the trampoline, make up dance routines, perform 'shows' - all the things one might expect of any kid of 8 or 9.

Sadly for her though, thanks to the ever growing pressure on children to become adults, they is getting rather a lot of stick from the rest of her class - ooh you have a boyfriend!  have you kissed yet? and other less than savoury, clearly misunderstood, and obviously uneducated guesses at what might be transpiring between them.

We've talked at length about this, her and I.  She is upset, somewhat confused about what the questions all mean, but also curious, knows that there is 'something' involved in this.  To start with they were almost amused by the attention shown by the other children, but now it has become a source of angst - and is causing some ripples in the classroom.  Apparently it's all about 'liking' and 'hating'.  Ick, what horrible language for children to be using in the first place!

I want to put an end to the teasing but understand it is just kids being kids.  I want to protect her from knowing 'too much' about boy/girl relationships, but get that just having a friend is probably the very early stages of understanding the differences between the genders.

I've taken the line that, when the others are teasing them, and asking such questions, they are only using language that is 'inappropriate for their age' (she likes this), and that it is just fine to walk away or tell them to stop.  I've told her I'm really glad that she has friends who are girls AND boys, and that this is a really great way to get to know all kinds of people and have good relationships as she grows older.  We talked about how important it is to keep the other friends, and not abandon them just for this new one.

I'm sure that when I was young there were similar situations - but at 8 years old? surely not!

I am becoming more and more sceptical about this modern culture of technology and easy access to knowledge that we live in.  .  It's bad enough that puberty is coming 3 or 5 years early than it did 30 years ago.

I want my children to enjoy being children for as long as they can

financial dyslexia

The term 'financial literacy' has been bounced around for at least 10 years that I can think of - and recently was in the headlines again when MP Simon Power made the hardly-surprising announcement that the financial literacy programmes, supposed to be delivered by the Min of Ed, appeared to be either not working, or not even being delivered.

My last blog was about how couples can achieve financial compatibility when they have different money languages.  But consider this - if so many people are actually financially illiterate, then their chances of even having a money language are severely limited.

Moreover, I believe that many NZ'ers are not only illiterate when it comes to matters financial, they are actually dyslexic.

By this, I mean that despite the (admittedly minimal) education that have had about budgeting and managing money, and possibly the fact that they grew up in a house with what could be considered good financial habits, thanks to the influx of 'easy money' and our consumer based culture, the are now faced with completely skewed, even incomprehensible messages from the finance industry.

Where one person will see a dodgy finance company, or be able to understand the high risk/high return concept, many others will simply see the lure of a high interest rate and consequent (they hope) increased income.

Where one will see that a hire purchase is simply a fools game, many many more will gladly take on loans for consumables with  outrageous interest rates, all the while seduced by the mentality of 'have it now' and 'low monthly payments'.

In fact the value of money has, in my view, diminished.  Consumers want more, and want it now, and the finance companies are only too happy to oblige them with online loans, no-application credit cards, and seductive lines like 'buy now, pay later' or, the deceptive 'no payments for 18 months'.  So, the financially gullible purchaser (and that means most of us), is programmed to stop thinking about the long term, and simply  enjoy the short term pleasure of owning a new gadget, or car, or entertainment system.

The irony is of course that the value of the goods decreases at almost the same alarming rate that the interest cost of that good increases.  But as the clever marketing people remind us, that thanks to the considerate and flexible terms of the financier, we do not even need to  think about the fact that the $1000 TV is in fact going to cost us not $20 a week but more like $2000 or more, over the next two years - by which time we will want to upgrade again and start the cycle, again.  The consumer literally cannot, or will not, see this anomaly as the financial education they are receiving is cleverly, and frighteningly, packaged in the 'whats in it for me' wrapping paper that we all love to look at and open.

So, how do we change a culture?  Is it even possible to change the way consumers view their saving/spending habits - and therefore can decipher their own financial dyslexia?

To begin with, there just has to be some changes in regulations.  

- Firstly, make it compulsory for financial institutions to supply   true costs of borrowing - total credit card interest and so on..  The government is working on this.  That will scare some people.  But not all

- Secondly, there needs to be true income testing for borrowers.  It's just way too easy to get money.  No more complimentary credit cards, no more application free loans.  As a country we simply can't afford it.

- Thirdly, introduce financial education at the earliest age.  Even a 5 year old can learn about money in/money out at it's most basic.  And this needs to be a core part of education for all children, right through school.

Finally, and this is the hard one - we need to each make a conscious decision about our spending and saving.  The best way to teach is to model behaviour.  That doesn't necessarily mean having a budget pinned to the fridge (although it might do), or only buying groceries on special (although that's a good idea!), or going without some of life's pleasures.  

But it does mean a total change in attitude - as long as we continue to be a patron of consumerism, it will continue to try to own us.  

10 simple steps to deciphering money and becoming financially literate

1. Know where your money is coming from and going.  Take the time to write a budget (there's a great template at www.sorted.org.nz

2. Write a list of goals - especially those that are going to require a financial investment

3. Put a no-circulars sign on your letter box - no pamphlets, less temptation

4. for 3 months, keep every bill, invoice and account.  At the end, look at exactly where your money went. Does it match your budget? What needs to change?

5. Chop up your credit card.   NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER (did i mention NEVER) purchase something on HP.  The only exception to this is a health/employment crisis

6. Open a second bank account and start saving. Even if it's only an automatic payment of $5 a week, it's a good habit to get into.

7. Make some rules - what are you NOT prepared to give up/go without?  What will have to change to make this happen? What are you going to say goodbye/not now/maybe later to?

8. Tell others.  lobby your kids school/your work place/your place of study to include some financial education in their day to day schedule.

9. Apply all the above to your children (as appropriate).  Even the very young can understand about money coming in (pocket money) and how they are going to spend it

10.  .If you're struggling get help.  Seriously.  Budget advice.  Bank.  Online coaching.  Do it now.

the age old question...are we compatible?

When forming a new relationship, particularly with a significant other (in comparison to with a friend), there is much to be said about finding areas of compatibility.  When the stars have faded a little, and the soft focus has turned more to a blur (or possibly a frighteningly sharp focus), I think it's important to have some things to work from and towards.

The experts say that having a similar IQ is important.  That ones emotional intelligence should also be on the same wavelength. perhaps some shared interests and hobbies, congruency in goals and dreams.  Similar spiritual thoughts or values.  Sexual compatibility.

How about this one:  financial compatibility.

Now, compatibility, by it's own definition does not mean that both sides have to be the same, but it does mean that they have to CONGRUOUS...be able to fit together, not create disharmony.

I would suggest that this is one of the most important things of all, especially for those people on 'second time round', and in particular when the two partners enter the relationship with different levels of asset and liabilities (and spending/saving habits!).  Yes, there can be events outside of our control that lead us to be in a particular set of fiscal circumstances, but I am talking here about those base values and habits that make up our financial personality.

Where one is a spender, and one is a saver - or one believes in speculation and the other in accumulation, the issue is not then who comes with what, or even which path they will follow as a couple (assuming they choose a joint financial path) but how they will manage the differences.  Yes there is the issue of financial literacy - it plays a huge part of course, but I'll save that for another blog, and assume here, that both parties have some sense of what this is.   

A saver, for example, may bring up their children to, or have been brought up in a family who, respect money for it's cumulative effect.  Possibly be a cautious spender, favour a regular job over self-employment and see owning a house as a priority or goal.  The spender may live in the now, not feel the same need to be tied to a particular career, or location - see the freedom in never 'owning a mortgage' and prefer to enjoy their money in the short term.

I believe that where there are extremes of these differences, a relationship is already on a precarious path.  It is certainly true that money is a major cause of divorce - but I think it's deeper than that.  It's about where each person puts priority and value, more than how each dollar is actually spent.  For simplicity, I have referred to each end of this spectrum as a 'saver' and a 'spender'.

For example, when, as a saver, you see your loved one - be it partner, sibling or child - treating money in a different way to how you think it 'should' be treated, it can be tempting to see them as wrong, or misguided, or just plain irresponsible.  Similarly the spender could see the saver as over cautious, conservative or mean.

So, what to do?

Firstly, I think it's about recognising that one persons 'value' of money (possessions/assets/liabilities/spending and saving) is not necessarily the same as the others.  And in fact, working on the principal that perception equals reality, one or the other is neither wrong nor right, except to the believer.  Note thought, that this can be particularly tricky when it's someone you already have a strong emotional connection to.

Secondly, identifying where you sit on the money continuum - what is your style?

Thirdly, deciding which things are 'no go' areas, or deal breakers in a relationship, when it comes to money - and believe me, there will be some.  High personal debt and little in assets is likely to be just as offputting to the saver as a huge mortgage is to the spender.

Finally, discovering together,which areas of 'finance' are manageable, adaptable, or have potential for developing. - that's the compatibility being tested.  It's going to be challenging, it might mean making some hard decisions, but the payoff  will be worth it's weight in gold:)

be prepared!

Last Sunday I was part of the investiture of NZ's newest scouting group.  Keas, cubs and 4 new leaders had their investiture and were presented with their scarves.  It was a really interesting ceremony, including promises, laws salutes and handshakes.

It's a whole new world, this Scouting one.  I had no idea there was so much formality, so many rituals (wolf yell anyone?)  and tradition.  It was so terrific to see so many families connecting and commiting to what on the surface essentially appears to be a rather old fashioned (or at least old school!) way of bringing kids together.

The leaders all took on names (bird names in the case of ours).  I am yet to decide on a name - as I am not a nickname person - don't even like being called a derivative of my OWN name! - I am struggling with this a bit!

Especially considering that on arriving at the investiture I offhandedly mentioned to the organisers that I 'probably should have been invested today, just so there is another person warranted' - and ended up being invested as Group Leader - responsible for the whole shebang!

I'm a bit nervous about that - just how much extra work is this going to entail for me?  I often already feel a bit stretched and do not want to do a half hearted job.  However I am really excited about seeing this group get well established, and it is a great opportunity to be there from the beginning, so with that in mind I will approach this with an open mind (and a can-do attitude...very Scouting!)

Besides, what else would I do with all that time I am awake in the night!!?

you can see more about what we will be up to at www.scouts.org.nz

luxury weekend retreat in the wottifs

I have come to realise that I spend way too much time worrying - no, make that, visiting the past, and wondering about the things that might have been.

Sometimes it's a visit to regret...

What if I had said 'yes' to a particular job/invitation/business proposition
What if I had been tougher and said 'no' to other jobs/invitations/business propositions!

Sometimes it's a visit to relief...

What if I HADN'T said yes...or said no...

Yes I know it's not very healthy to spend lots of time pontificating over what might have been, but I think if we are honest, every does it, at least a little bit.  In some ways there can be a real pleasure in reliving an 'almost' moment - especially if it were one that held great promise.  And it can also be liberating to be able to look back and be just a little self-congratulatory about the excellent choices we made in the past!

The best part about looking back though?

The luxury of being able to go there when I want - but also knowing it's just a fleeting visit - and I'll be back in reality in the blink of an eye.

the bathroom amnesty

my latest idea for decluttering/simplifying and cost cutting is happening in the bathroom.

Tidying out the cupboard one day under the vanity (yeah yeah I know I need to get out more), I was amazed at how many sample size/travel sized and half used bottles and packets of things there were - perfume, deo, talc, fancy little soaps, sachets of shampoo, you name it.  Out of curiousity I checked my handbag, overnight bag, toilet bag, makeup bag - and those of my daughters.  Even more!   I decided I was spending way too much money on soap, shampoo, air freshener, deodorant and so on and so on and so on and it was time to use what I had.

I got a small washing basket - one that would fit in the cabinet, and put everything in there.  I figured I had enough stuff to last at least 6 weeks.

Now, I am not a hoarder as many of you know - but my goodness. I have not bought anything in the toiletry aisle for over 3 months.  And I'm not even half way through it all.

I'm being creative - using the spray deos and perfume i'm not so keen on for air freshener...bits of shampoo for bubble bath for the kids.  Using two-in-one shampoo for body wash.  So far no one is complaining - and I reckon I saved myself heaps of $$ - and got an organised bathroom cabinet in to the bargain!  My vision is to have ONE of everything - how much better will the bathroom look then!?

Next, the cleaning products - I mean, seriously, do we really need 10 different products when bleach, vinegar and baking soda, do most things?

the sound of silence

After a busy morning of work, I stopped in town for groceries, a spot of shopping and some lunch.  As usual wanted quick and easy and chose the golden arches.

I walked round to the (quite nice) cafe-y bit with my tray and a book.  At the next table were an elderly couple.  As I passed them to get to my  table I noticed they were both sitting a little apart and not saying anything, but didn't have any food in front of them.  

I ate my lunch, and read my book - stayed there for probably 20 minutes.

In that whole time, the couple did not speak to each other.  They didn't have books, they didn't even have a cup of coffee, they just sat, looking around, but not at each other.

Now, it's possible that one - or both- have a hearing problem. It's possible they had just had an argument.  It's possible that this is the first time they have not engaged in conversation in a long time. It might even be that they truly enjoy companionable silence.

But what struck me was that, maybe, maybe it wasn't.  And (stretching the truth and probably reality for the purpose of a good yarn here...), what if this is what their life is now? Being together, but not ever talking.  In fact, possibly being together but having run out of conversation.

Maybe it's the full moon, or maybe it was low blood sugar...but it made me feel quite sad.  How awful, that one could get to the end of life, having spent it with the person who made you happiest - or at least that made you feel the best you could be - when you met them, and now have literally nothing to say to each other.

 I always feel a bit 'thingie' when I see elderly couples helping each other across the road, or holding hands in a park, or doing the groceries together.

I heard a Henry Cloud talk yesterday about marriage and intimacy.  He reckons the biggest aphrodisiac is time spent talking and listening to each other.

I think he's right.    Perish the thought that I (in the event of growing old with someone) will reach a point of not having anything to talk about with my spouse. Then, it really is done and dusted.

I think I'll try and take a positive spin on it...maybe that old couple are so completely happy and content with each other, they can spend hours together without the need for words.  Sound better?

my first guest blog

I was recently invited to guest blog at http://quickeasycheaphealthy.com/
  You can also find them on facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/quickeasycheaphealthy

This is an awesome blog with excellent recipes and ideas and some gorgeous food photos too.

Without further ado:  my post:)

THE HERB GARDEN

I have a core list of recipes that are sure fire winners in my house.  There's one adult and two (relatively palate-adventureous) children, and I endeavour to get something green into them every day.  My maxim is: prepare and present in 30 minutes or less, aim for 5+ a day (veges/fruit), no leftovers on the plate

On the particular busy nights, - scouts, dancing, playdates - I often have soup, made with a pumpkin and what ever other veges come to hand.  Pureed smooth with my stick mixer - seriously the best gadget in the house - I can usually get the kids to eat at least a couple of mugfuls, soaked up with some home made bread.

But when pumpkins (and time)  are not so plentiful, I tend to fall back on my micro-garden.  My entire vegetable garden is only about 4 square foot, but along with a number of fruit trees, it keeps us in the fresh '5+ a day' way for most of the year.  The easier and faster to grow the better, and so I have given over around half of the garden space to herbs.  Parsley, mint, basil-mint, chives, dill, rocket, thyme and shallot.  These all grow with hardly any effort and care and easily transform something bland into something  grand with minimum effort.

Whilst I can see the benefits of adding vege purees to food to top up on vitamins, I have been reluctant to do that too much, as I really want the children to get a taste for individual flavours, and also to appreciate the texture and colour that the 'whole' variety offers.

Here's two of my kid's favourites:

Surprise pie.  This is absolutely a cheaters recipe but the children (and me...) love it.

Make up enough instant mash for however many you are serving. I use milk to make it, and then add a slosh of olive oil:

Heat the milk, then quickly beat in the flakes.  When it's at a smoothand stiff consistency, add:

one grated carrot

a few florets of broccoli finely sliced.

2 - 3  tablespoons of finely chopped herbs (i use parsley and chives most)

half a cup or so of grated cheese.

mix that all through with a spoon.

Put it into a greased pie dish and then stick in the microwave for 3 or 4 minutes - this will reheat the potato, melt the cheese and par-cook the carrot and broccoli.

When it's piping hot, sprinkle with some more cheese and a bit of olive oil and  flash under the grill til the top is browned.

It will firm up and easily then be scooped out.  Sometimes for variety I put shredded deli ham on the top and grill that too.

My kids like it with gravy and a piece of bread to mop up the edges.

The kids will devour a whole plate of this- it's quick, easy and contains 3 veges. good for all!

PASTA in SAUCE

in a frying pan, cook one finely chopped onion in a little olive oil. Add a chopped clove of garlic or 1/2 tsp of garlic powder.

Add two tins of chopped tomatoes.

Add at least three tablespoons of chopped herbs (parsley, thyme, chives)

I also add some chopped olives as my kids love them.

Grate in a carrot.

Thicken with tomato paste.

cover and Leave to simmer about 10 minutes whilst you cook short pasta.

Drain pasta and combine with the sauce.

Dinner!

purging,splurging and emerging

are those not some of the most evocative words you've ever heard? (or heard today...)

Purging - the want of many, the obsession of few.  In this instance I'm referring to stuff-purging, which I have written about before.  I am almost there! There is almost nothing left in my house that I do not believe to be useful or beautiful (thanks you William Morris!).  It's a great feeling.  I can clean the house in an hour if I'm quick, less than two if I'm careful.  I've decreased my weekly spending heaps too - just by using up everything that's about the place (currently the bathroom, home of samples and half empty bottles).  The garage is almost finished, just a few odd things to re-home, and then it can become a relatively safe outside playspace for the kids for winter.
The pantry - well that's a work in progress, but I am slowly weaning myself off my appliance/gadget addiction, and unhealthy habit of buying interesting but largely unpalatable condiments.

But ah the splurging! For what would life be without a little mad money!  Right now, my splurging is shoes (duh!) and dresses.  I reckon there's a real gap in the market for a vintage/preloved shop just selling dressy clothes.  I can't bring myself to spend $100 on a dress and so I've been lurking on TradeMe - and wow are there some bargains to be had there.  There must be a whole community of women who wear high end clothes once and then put them up for sale.  Principals, Mei Mei, Trelise, all a steal!

I was selling stuff on Trade Me too, but I've tended lately to go down the 'give it away' route.  I figure that people are so generous to me, especially with kids stuff, that the least I can do is give away some of the things I no longer have a use for.

I'm particularly fond of the 'Pay it Forward' idea - whilst not really a karma kind of girl, i think there's real merit in doing a good turn in gratitude for one done to you.

I'm trying to teach my children the same principals....purge those things (physical or otherwise) that we don't need, want, or care for any more.  occasionally, splurge on something fabulous.  And in the meantime, continue to show intentional honour to those whose paths we cross, which can only make us better people.

dream weaving

I fear my post on nightmares may have been a self prophecy.

After 9 months of being nightmare-free (give or take), at least my insomnia was manageable.

But suddenly the weirdo, help my kids are missing type of dreams are back.

The suckiest thing about being single? waking up from a bad dream alone.

I did have one REALLY weird one last week too....read at your own risk!

I am dancing.  I am really enjoying it, lots of twirling and spinning.

I have a great dance partner, who is delighting in spinning me around.

The dance partner morphs into a Bolivian folk singer called Fonterra, and is now my boyfriend.  He has long black hair, a flashing smile and a shark tooth earring.  He is short.  (I have danced in real life with someone who kind of looks like this).

I look across to ask another man to dance.  I really want to dance with the other guy. It's someone I know in real life.    But in the dream he has become a Hare Krishna.  He's jumping around with his drum, having a great time, extolling the virtues of his newfound passion, with such fervour that he is oblivious to all that is happening around him. Then he's dancing right in front of me and saying, 'soon, later, I just want to finish this dance first'.  
Fonterra keeps pulling me away, but because he is so short I can see the other guy over his head.

I wake up feeling exhausted and discombobulated.

It's was so vivid I can can still recall the details of it, 10 days later.

I've described this dream to a couple of people, the interpretations are extraordinary.  What do you think it means?

the next best thing

I have a special gift for coming second.

I think maybe it's because I peaked too early...first born of four children.  First to make the front page of the paper at age 1.  And again at age 4.  First on the stage at 5.  Won my first ever piano competition at 8.  It was all downhill from there...

I have the dubious honour of being picked not once, not even twice, but actually three times for UNDERSTUDY in the school play.

I was an excellent straight-B student.

In the school orchestra I was always honoured with playing second flute.  And being the subsitute piano player.  Oh and singing alto - but never in the first row, always just behind.

It was my second car (ah the Nissan 180B) that was the cool one - till I wrote it off.

Once I got a speeding ticket for going 90 in a 50 km zone.  I was pretty proud of that, in a weird kind of way - I was late for church.  When I got there, I announced my feat - too late, someone else had got one just before me, going even faster.

I recently met up with a boy I had a secret crush on when I was a teenager.  He married my friend.  

Without exception, every boy I went out with before I got married myself, married their next girlfriend (actually does that make me second or first???).  I often heard 'oh you are just the girl I would like to marry...if I actually WANTED to get married...which I don't...'

Sheesh even when I contracted meningitis in 2004 and was whisked off in an ambulance I arrived at hospital to learn my mother had already been diagnosed and admitted with it!

Maybe I'm just better at following trends than setting them?

I console myself with this:  coming second ACTUALLY means, coming last...First!

grumpy old bag

I want to be one of those loving positive mothers I really do.  When my kids are fractious, I want to be the one who says, 'oh, let's blow bubbles' or 'aha, what you need is to come and cook with me'..

But, the truth is, I'm not that person.  Yes, mostly I'm positive, but I sometimes find myself saying NO almost as an automatic reaction to my kids requests before I've even digested the question.  Can I have a - NO! Mum, will you - NO! Can I go to - NO

I saw the shorts for a movie, called The Boys are Back.  In it, the actor says, Just Say Yes.  It's about parenting alone, it makes sense to me, kind of.

http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi3531014681/

We rob ourselves, and our kids, of such simple joys, all in the name of calm, order, quiet and minimising mess.


I resolve to say YES more and NO less.

shut up

ten thousand spoons, when all you need is a knife...

Somewhat ironic to be using a blog - the home of opinion and freedom to express - to pontificate on the benefits of shutting up, but there it is...

I often joke, semi-seriously, that my maxim for life is that it is easier to seek forgiveness than to ask permission.  I have to say, that mostly, that works for me.  Mainly because I have this annoying habit - oops, I mean underdeveloped skill - of saying or doing what comes to me, rather than spending a whole lot of time planning and thinking before acting.  On the other hand, I truly excel at looking back in retrospect and agonising with great embarrassment over why I did or said something!  (this is usually followed by afore mentioned seeking of forgiveness, or even more rash act as vain attempt to assuage guilt for first rash act!).

And I talk for a living, pretty much, so I've well and truly got in the habit of sharing what's in my head and heart. (Although don't be decieved..I might be noisy but I am still a pretty private person).

So, what's to be done about it.  I think the realisation I've come to is that rather than jumping in boots and all - and consequently coming across as scary redhead girl, I probably just need to learn to shut up more.

Which brings me to the second irony...people tell me stuff.  I delight in sharing peoples trials and tribulations.  And I know things that I wish I didn't.  There are husbands of friends that I can't look in the eye.  Damn, there are FRIENDS I sometimes can't look in the eye!!! That said,  I love that people feel safe to tell me things. And know that they won't go any further than me.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  So, I figure that at least some of the time I must be good at listening - ergo, good at shutting up.

So how come, when zipping it is most crucial, I can't help but share?  Yep, I can wear my heart on my sleeve - it will probably be to my eternal detriment that I'm not a game player...I'm told that this is the way of the world and most people like a little challenge, especially in the male/female relationship arena.  I also have a loathing of broken relationship - I truly cannot bear being on the wrong side of a friend, or having unresolved conflict - hence my tendency to over analyse and often be the first to seek restitution (sometimes before the dust is even settled).  

What's the right course of action here?  Should we be honest...transparent...and forthright...or is it sometimes better to be reticent and even taciturn at times?

Should I just learn to shut up?

boys and girls come out to play

The conversation turned, as oft it does in the company of single men and women, to the ins and outs (or more specifically highs and lows...) of relationships.
It meandered through the usual semi-serious desparaging remarks about our qualities and attractiveness, post 40.  We laughed at some insights, compared war stories, made broad generalisations on the state of male/female relationships.
The question arose: could men have women for friends without benefits...or without the complications of growing/continued emotional attachment? Could women in vice versa?
Opinions were sharply divided.  Interestly, one woman said, absolutely not - either the ones you wanted to grow potential never did, or the ones you weren't interested in made unwelcome moves.

Another said, yes it's possible.  The man in the group said, yes, of course, many of my friends are women.

I've had this conversation with so many people.  It occurred to me that in my immediate circle of friends (not counting those of new acquaintance), I am the only single.  in the wider 'single friends' group, there is pretty much men only (in fact just one other female friend).  Which says to me, yes, men and women CAN be friends.  The spark that's needed to grow and enjoy friendship doesn't necessarily have to translate into anything more...even though sometimes that is nice, and desirable.

I am glad my kids see me having friendship with both men and women.  They love my male friends - possibly more than the 'mummy' friends actually (so much more fun, less growling, more play).

I really enjoy male company - it's a different dynamic to time with the girls...

What do you think?